NEWGUY's BLOG Thoughts....about all things....

[NovemberRain]

Originally Posted by newguy

I'm not sure what to think about your post...at first, you say that I'm not shit because of how I feel and then you say give her what she wants...

Gotta admit, I'm failing to see where she said you were 'shit'. ?

Originally Posted by newguy

....the rest of you "opinion" sucks...but that's just my 'opinion'.

You might want to evaluate your receptiveness to opinions. If you want to continue receiving opinions, and you did ask for them, you might want to note that you will receive many you don't like or agree with. Doesn't mean they weren't offered in the spirit in which you requested them. If everyone agreed with you off the top, you might as well not ask, right?
YMMV (and probably will)

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by newguy

... I know it may seem abrasive (because I really meant it that way), but when I get 'attack' for my beleives/feelings, I go straight into defensive mode...it must be the Alpha in me.

Um, hello? Nobody attacked you. Where'd you get that idea?

If someone tells you they think it's unfair for you to require PK to be with women when she really doesn't have an interest in women and would rather be with men, that is called offering you an opinion, or another viewpoint you may not have considered. If this is any indication of how you "listen"... no wonder there are communication issues in your relationship and she brought the idea of poly up in a text message. She probably didn't want to deal with the fallout of your reaction.

AND I can tell you that being called unfair will probably be the general consensus here - forcing someone you love to be with people she doesn't want to be with because of your insecurities... ugh. The idea of the "Alpha male" is meaningless and inconsequential here. That is no way to treat someone you care about.

[km34]

Originally Posted by newguy

PK can have long term, emotional relationships with whomever she wants (male or female) but the romantic sexual aspect of relationships is what I was refering too in this statement...sorry for confusion.

So she can have an emotional relationship with a man, but if she falls in love, she's in trouble? In other words, she'd be able to have a close friendship with a guy but if she ever has romantic thoughts, it would be crossing a line? That's what I'm understanding, please correct me if I'm wrong.

This clarification seemed to fit in with what is going on in this thread more so than the one it originated in (Text Message: "I'm Poly..." WTF?!?!?!").

[newguy]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

First off - your not shit because of how you feel, but neither is she for how she feels.

Second - I never said give her what she wants, but that doesn't mean the discussion has to be off the table.

SNeacail,

I need to apologize for the harsh tone I used in my first response...I should not have let my emotions get away and lashed out at you. I can't or won't apologize for what I said for those are my thoughts and the way that I feel and I can't apologize for being me. But when you (and other poly women) label a guy (like me) that won't 'conform' to your way of thinking as unconsidered, traditional, old fashion, insecure, selfish, pigheaded, Neanderthal, controlling, insensitive, and unfair … or that guys like me consider women as property and that we have ownership over them. You see I have been called all of these on this site because I won’t change my feelings on the matter. PK was even told that she should run and get away from me as fast as she could.

Granted, the ownership one was said before they knew I was PKs fiance’ but all of the rest were directed to me in posts and emails. So when I saw “Yeah, so I get to eat steak and any other meat I want, but you have to be vegetarian, because I'm the Alpha and declare it to be so. In all fairness, you should be looking for a boyfriend and stay away from other girls.”, again (in my opinion) another form of attack, I lost it and for that, I apologize.

Please accept my sincere apology.

Originally Posted by DredlockScarlet

From reading what you have been posting about PK and yourself....your relationship and your thoughts....You say in one post you are NOT ok with being in a polyamorous relationship and that she must choose between you or him...

Sorry for the confusion...I'm not ok with her being in a sexual relationship with a man and if she ever wanted to pursue then it be either me or him (there is no current him) she would have to make that choice at that time...from what I have read, if a woman have a long term loving, intimate relationship with a woman and me, then they are all in a polyamorous relationship...am I wrong? This type of relationship I can handle.

Originally Posted by DredlockScarlet

From what i have read in your posts....I think you need more time to think about what you want and i think that you need to talk more to PK about how you feel....Communication is everything! talking about what you're ok with and what you feel is not ok...Your limits and your feelings are important! she should respect what you want and how you are feeling!

Thank you...I believe that is where we are at now.

Originally Posted by SourGirl

A tiny suggestion : If you want people to accept your blunt words, then accept other's blunt words. If they are posting, its because they are trying to help.
Set aside your alpha-big-dog theories, and just be a human being, looking to receive various outlooks. You'll learn more that way.

I agree with what you...I have learned a lot from this forum about Poly, PK, and myself...

Originally Posted by NovemberRain

You might want to evaluate your receptiveness to opinions. If you want to continue receiving opinions, and you did ask for them, you might want to note that you will receive many you don't like or agree with. Doesn't mean they weren't offered in the spirit in which you requested them. If everyone agreed with you off the top, you might as well not ask, right?

I hear you but I don't think it was a receptiveness issue...and although I said I would read all comments on my thoughts, I didn't ask for their opinion nor would I accept being (in my opinion) attacked...I have already apologize for my rudeness to SNeacail.

Originally Posted by nycindie

If someone tells you they think it's unfair for you to require PK to be with women when she really doesn't have an interest in women and would rather be with men, that is called offering you an opinion, or another viewpoint you may not have considered. .

I have never nor would I ever required PK to be with women…she is pursuing her interest on her own…

Originally Posted by nycindie

If this is any indication of how you "listen"... no wonder there are communication issues in your relationship and she brought the idea of poly up in a text message. She probably didn't want to deal with the fallout of your reaction. .

Communication WAS an issue with us because I have been openly communicating with her since the beginning (3 years ago)…she just started communicating with me this month…

Originally Posted by nycindie

AND I can tell you that being called unfair will probably be the general consensus here - forcing someone you love to be with people she doesn't want to be with because of your insecurities... ugh. The idea of the "Alpha male" is meaningless and inconsequential here. That is no way to treat someone you care about.

I'm sorry but this is exactly what I'm talking about...she also beleives that most poly females here think I'm not being fair...take a closer look, I got called unfair and accused of be insecure…oh wait, there is a new one I’m now meaningless and inconsequential…I got to add those to my list....


ALL….

I really don’t mean to be…well me!!! But this is my blog about my thoughts…I had no idea that I would get this type of reaction…I mean really, I have an issue with the way anyone lives their sexual lives…nor would I ever pass judgment on them because they didn’t see things my way! I expect this type of activity from non-poly community but this community is full of all types…bi-male/female, gays, lesbians, and (most important) poly…the last thing I expected was to be told that I’m unfair and meaningless for having my feelings…

Last thing, for the record (again)…I never tried or will try to stop PK from having a loving intimate relationship with another man…I just can’t be a part of that situation! I never tried or even asked PK to be with women...that choice was all hers!

I can only hope I didn’t offend anyone but…these are my thoughts

[Scott]

Originally Posted by newguy

No...the question is not to personal...I'm not sure what your question is...but I'll tell you why I asked her not to comment on here...if she wants to discuss what I wrote then we (me and her) will discuss. What I don't want is her either defending me or trying to explain what I meant. If this didn't answer your question, please reask.

That answered my question, thanks :-)

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by newguy

oh wait, there is a new one I’m now meaningless and inconsequential…I got to add those to my list....

Please don't put words in my mouth. I didn't say you were meaningless and inconsequential. I said the idea of an Alpha male is meaningless and inconsequential, in terms of what you wrote about it. Since you seem to misunderstand and misinterpret alot of what people say here, I'm not sure I can re-word it so you'll know what I mean, but... basically you had blamed the fact that you will not "allow" PK to be with other men on you supposedly being an Alpha male, which pays lip service to some idea about being male instead of owning up to what's really behind it, like an insecurity, fear, or belief system in you. What I'm trying to say is that concept of being Alpha (which is just a concept) is no excuse for behavior that is unfair to a partner. It is known in poly lingo as a "One Penis Policy" or OPP. Do a search on that, and you will find lots of threads debating its validity.

What is really happening is not that you have allowed her to do something or not; in reality, she made a choice not to partake in activities she knows you will be unhappy with. But it is her choice -- you're not the boss of her life. She could be with men or anyone she wants, it isn't up to you what she does. The only choice you have is to stay or go. You each make your lives what you want. So, don't think that she is "obeying you as the Alpha Male" who will or will not "allow" her to do this or that. She is choosing your happiness over her own, but she doesn't have to do that.

[newguy]

MY THOUGHTS

Ok…so tonight, I spent three hours reading and responding to posts on my blog of what I was thinking…I missed my chat time with PK to do this….

I now think, “Is it worth it?”

I have been called inconsiderate, traditional, old fashion, insecure, selfish, pigheaded, Neanderthal, controlling, insensitive, possessive, Dom, unreasonable, and unfair…I was told that I’m PK owner and I treat her like property and that my thoughts are meaningless and inconsequential.

Now I know that you may think that I took these statements/comments out of context or that I’m taking this too personal; but I don’t think so…in fact, some of them I agree with..

Here are the statements I made to earn some of these titles:

The thought of PK with another man turns my stomach (selfish)
I should have to be miserable so PK could obtain complete happiness (selfish)
I don’t want PK to have an intimate relationship with another man (possessive)
PK is my fiancé (ownership)
PK is my fiancé and I don’t want to share her with another man (ownership/selfish)
I don’t think I even want to try to be in that situation (pigheaded/unreasonable)
PK told me that I could be with another woman but she can’t be with another man (unfair)
PK is looking for a girlfriend (insecure/selfish) [I was lost with this one too]

I could go on but I think you get the point.

Things that I have contemplated/considered/learned in 2012. I offered a break up with PK so she could be have a chance at complete happiness with her poly lifestyle…she told me that she would rather be very happy with me than take a chance on complete happiness another.
I now understand that PK has had and will have these feelings forever…I now understand that I will have my feelings forever also.
PK lied to me when I asked her if she wanted another man…I really didn’t give her the option to tell me the truth then.
I falsely believe that during the last three years, we have had open communications…we still have a ways to go before I’ll believe that again.

I thought about the pros and cons of all of the things dealing with the poly lifestyle…in the way that we (PK and I) will make or not to our happy ever after…most importantly, I’m completing if I should end our relationship now (get the hurt over for us both) so we both can eventually have the chance at complete happiness.

CONS:
1) Anyway, from what I have learned about polyamorous, it’s a deep feeling within a person that they may (or may not) be able to suppress…
2) Even if PK does get a relationship with a woman and me, I feel that it won’t satisfy her poly needs…she will eventually want another man
3) I read that a lot of relationships ended after they started poly
4) I have been ridiculed (see list above) for my feelings on the matter
5) PK had been told to leave me
6) Poly people will always try to convince me that my thinking is wrong
7) In most of the poly relationship, someone crosses the set boundaries
8) Neither of us will ever have complete happiness

PROS:
1) PK is willing to honor my boundary (I only have one) because she loves me
2) I will honor PK’s boundaries because I love her
3) We both will be very happy together


I have weighed the pros and cons…it seems (from above)…the pros have it!!!! Yes, I can count but when I consider pro #2…the last three words…it makes sense to me. I love PK and I will always love her, even if we don’t make it…I will always be hers and long as she will have me!!!

MY THOUGHTS OVER….

[newguy]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Please don't put words in my mouth. I didn't say you were meaningless and inconsequential. I said the idea of an Alpha male is meaningless and inconsequential, in terms of what you wrote about it. Since you seem to misunderstand and misinterpret alot of what people say here, I'm not sure I can re-word it so you'll know what I mean, but... basically you had blamed the fact that you will not "allow" PK to be with other men on you supposedly being an Alpha male, which pays lip service to some idea about being male instead of owning up to what's really behind it, like an insecurity, fear, or belief system in you. What I'm trying to say is that concept of being Alpha (which is just a concept) is no excuse for behavior that is unfair to a partner. It is known in poly lingo as a "One Penis Policy" or OPP. Do a search on that, and you will find lots of threads debating its validity.

What is really happening is not that you have allowed her to do something or not; in reality, she made a choice not to partake in activities she knows you will be unhappy with. But it is her choice -- you're not the boss of her life. She could be with men or anyone she wants, it isn't up to you what she does. The only choice you have is to stay or go. You each make your lives what you want. So, don't think that she is "obeying you as the Alpha Male" who will or will not "allow" her to do this or that. She is choosing your happiness over her own, but she doesn't have to do that.

Ok...just to make sure I understand, out of all that I wrote, your point now is that I used Alpha Male wrongly and PK is choosing my happiness over her own...even though I was told that I was an Alpha Male by your peers (poly females), given that title based on my thinking...Alpha male is not a term that I coined for myself...it made since when it was explained to me by your peers so yes, I adobted it and wear it proudly...but again...all that I wrote, and you hit on that???

I'll accept that...and end with...."OK then"

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by newguy

Ok...just to make sure I understand...

No, you aren't really understanding anything I wrote. Sorry to have muddied up your blog with my input which I have somehow expressed in a way that has been misinterpreted. When I first posted, I somehow missed the fact that this is in the Life Stories and Blogs section, so I will stop adding to it. Good luck with everything.

[Phy]

To stick to the facts: I don't see the 'problem' being located with NewGuy alone. He said, he 'offered' to set her free and she didn't want that and stayed on his terms being set as basic rules. She accepted them, therefore I don't think that he is to blame for stating what he feels comfortable with or not, if she communicated that she would be fine with it.

We have talked about the whole mess you two are in already, NewGuy, I understand that you feel offended by many of the opinions voiced here, but please note that most are arguing based on concepts of equality for all. Those voices aren't purely female and they are not picking on you because of you being male and doing this. Anyone doing something this unbalanced to a partner would have received this answers.