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Old 01-25-2012, 06:26 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Entredeux, thank you so much for your post, and please keep posting more to the forum. There are definitely things I can so totally relate to.

Originally Posted by entredeux View Post
ultimately, i have had to give up my idea that some eventual co-habitation would be the best arrangement. we've had many discussion about this idea, but it wasn't until i encountered a description about all the different arrangements that work for people that i started to feel less pressure (and i think its really interesting how many people hold the cohabitation thing up as some kind of goal, which i certainly was doing). that said, i think its great people can do that. my only point is that for a while this kind of narrow thinking really made it hard for me to think about our specific situation, desires, goals ...
I agree with this. I think for me the unquestioned goal of living together wasn't so much "what I think poly should be like" but "what I think serious relationships should be like". That is, if I love somebody and am in a committed relationship, isn't it obvious that I will live with them?

It was only after the practical reality got in the way of that assumption that I started to question if it is even what I would most like myself. I mean I like my space and I sometimes feel I don't get enough of it, even though I live with only one partner, and I have such a flexible schedule with studies that I can spend ridiculous amounts of time alone at home during the day. So would it really be greatest idea for me to live with two partners and a metamour..?

Also, for me what I enjoy the most is intimate, one-on-one time with my partner. Group time can be fun, but for me alone time is what the relationship is about and group time comes in addition to that. I feel that co-habitation may not be the best way to accommodate that (even though it can be done).

Originally Posted by entredeux View Post
i also wanted to say that i appreciated the comments about "alone time" (for me this is nearly impossible). i find that i value the time with each of my partners so much (and miss them when i'm in another place) that i tend to forget to take time for myself (aside from work and traveling). i really struggle with that - and sometimes i think i get pretty emotionally and physically worn out - but i haven't yet found ways to really take that time. its especially difficult with my gf since that relationship is newer and we have never lived together full time. we simply haven't had that kind of down time that comes with living together everyday and that makes it difficult for both of us to develop habits independent of each other when we are together. i imagine i'm not alone in this....
Maybe we should start a separate discussion about alone time... Though I very much don't mind if that's talked about here, since it definitely relates to the topic for me. But maybe there would be other experiences, too. It is somehow comforting (strangely enough) that you would still struggle with alone time that far into the relationship. Or maybe it should be discomforting...

It's just that it shows me that I maybe..sometimes..have a little too high expectations of myself. In most situations I'm good at implementing change when I regard it necessary. We are on a learning curve about how I balance my time when Mya is visiting here and I have two full-time partners with me. The first visit was heaven, but I was so tired afterwards coming off the high. We made some changes so that the second visit would be less draining, and mostly I did stick to the decisions (I studied more and slept more) but I didn't spend much alone time even though I planned to. It's just such a temptation, because it's so nice to see Mya and connect with her, and I do want to spend time with Alec, as well, and there's the eating and the studying and the sleeping and all the sex... Not that I want to sound ungrateful. But I do think it is important to prioritise and learn to balance all of that, and still take care of our own needs.

Originally Posted by Pretzels View Post
Perhaps you should all be looking for jobs up in Northeast Pennsylvania...houses like that, "doubles," are a dime a dozen up that way. Literally. They sell for around $50k in some cities and towns and that includes both halves....
Haha, that is practically free. Too bad we're in Europe, and pretty specific about the city we wish to end up living in (and unfortunately not cheap at all...).

Last edited by rory; 01-25-2012 at 06:29 AM.
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Old 01-26-2012, 02:35 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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For the past 4 years MC and I have been sharing a house with a roommate in order to save money. Because of that experience (which is about to end) I can consider living with TGIB a tad bit more realistically than some people might who want to live with all their partners. For instance, I already know:

- Finances will not be shared beyond how much everyone contributes for rent and utilities.
- MC and I decide what to buy/cook for ourselves and our kids. If TGIB wants to join us, he's always welcome. There will always be plenty. If he wants anything different, he's on his own.
- We can help with each other's kids (when asked) but we are NOT parents to each other's children.
- There will be certain minimums for cleanliness (no attracting wildlife!) in bedrooms but those are mostly personal space. "Take care of your own stuff" along with a written chore-chart will be the rule for the common rooms.

And that's IF we're sharing living space in the same house! Honestly, that's not likely to happen anyway. TGIB does not want (at least for the moment) to live with anyone, so in a perfect world once he moves to CA he'll be able to get an apartment very close to our place. Once MC and I are able to move my ultimate goal will be a house big enough for me, MC, and our kids with an apartment over the garage or separate in-law quarters for TGIB, so he can be separate but very close, only walking-distance away.

I'm one of those people who would not deal well with trying to live in two places- occasional overnights at TGIB's would be fine, but I have 2 small children. I want to spend most of my time at home. I could see have a few toiletries and maybe a spare set of clothes at his place, but I would be a visitor in his space. I would not expect nor have equal say or responsibility in how the place is kept.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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Old 01-26-2012, 05:45 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I had a hard time with the commute to be with Mono in the early days. I didn't like leaving my son. He lives with us now and the commute is to his apartment downstairs

Alone time is hard to come by in my life, but I am getting better at advocating that I get some because I go a bit batty when I don't. Its a balancing act. ALL OF IT!

Mags, its great to hear your up date! Congrats. I haven't caught up on your life in awhile. Sounds like you are doing really well and are happy.

I like your house rory! looks cozy.
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Old 01-26-2012, 06:33 AM
riftara riftara is offline
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Ive had to re-think living arrangements recently.

I think that if things get very serious with John's new gf, we will have to have separate houses, that he would go between. I just know we couldn't afford to buy a house big enough for all the kids - 7 between both of us. We could add on to our house now, which I really want to do, if I can get permits and not for several years.

I also am unsure about the whole all living together thing being the ultimate, though I know John still wants it. I kinda do too, but not until a serious commitment has been made, living with my now ex-bf and being on a lease with him means I'm stuck for 10 more months... well at least until we buy the house, which should happen in June or July. I am glad I made the decision to move in to a place with him, but being stuck in a place with him, bc I need his part of rent and I'm not willing to give this place up since we will be buying it next year, is not as good. Luckily we still get along fine.
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Old 01-27-2012, 08:18 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I've never understood the fascination with poly tangles wanting to get all cozy and co-habitate in smallish places. The thought of sharing a bed with multiple people leaves me cold. I've also not heard a majority of the polyfolk I know speak of wanting such, so why it's regarded as a widely held dream or in higher regard than any other living arrangement, I've no idea.

I have long wanted to have a huge house (or a couple of acres with several houses clustered together) with many more rooms than people so that folks can come and stay as they needed or wanted. Partners could be included in the menagerie--if they wanted to come stay. The house is always imagined as large enough to provide everybody who wants it some private space, so it isn't like being all cozy with just the family. It's more like a non-commercial boarding house.

We're looking at sharing space with a friend of mine who's interested in dating my wife. When she moves back into the state, we'll be looking for a larger space that will accommodate all of us. I'm wondering if we're going to be able to find someplace that will offer enough room for complete comfort, or if we'll have to find additional space for personal retreats.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 01-27-2012, 08:31 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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We've always wanted to renovate an old Victorian... you know the kind that have been made into 3 family housing... this is something all three of us have wanted to do separately for years. In reality, it's not that simple.
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:09 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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The more I think about this, the more I realize we might have done this backwards.

The three of us have been good friends for years now, to the point where E and I went in on a big, rambling house 18 months ago. Nine months later is when the world shifted and things got to be physical.

As for the just sleeping together as three, we did it before everything "started" - usually on road trips where other accommodations weren't available. Back then, we got in the habit of talking about random things as we drifted off to sleep. We still do it now, a couple times a month, because it's like a sleepover with really good friends.

The only thing I have to watch out for is making sure I hit up the bathroom before I crawl into the middle. It's a pain getting in and out of that spot sometimes without completely messing up the blankets.
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living situations, living together, moving in, time management

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