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  #71  
Old 07-06-2012, 11:01 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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Sometimes i feel like my gf going to have to get used to sometimes sleeping alone, or they both maybe have to learn to live without me. But i dont like to pressure her
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  #72  
Old 07-06-2012, 11:16 AM
Narayume Narayume is offline
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I think you might want to revisit the subject with your partners. A triad is about everyone's needs being met, not just one persons and this seems very much as if your girlfriend is expecting everyone to put her needs first. I can sympathize with not wanting to sleep alone, but I am sure she can cope one or two nights a week.
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  #73  
Old 07-06-2012, 11:19 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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I think i am going to have to ask her to make this sacrifice for me, even if we start with one night a week. I guess it will all come down to how commited to our relationship she is. Thankyou for your advice
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  #74  
Old 07-06-2012, 11:25 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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I see...

Ok, I can absolutely see why you are upset.

I think you guys need to sit down and look at your relationship rules again.

Are you all meant to be equal, or are you seen as a secondary to the both of them? Do they love you, or do you only have a sexual relationship?

Sleeping together (regardless of sex) is an intimate act. If you have an intimate relationship, it's really only fair that you get that side of it too.

Is the wife trying to keep you in a box in her mind? Not fully sharing her husband with you? What's her deal there, I wonder?

Incidentally, I had the same issue with GF's hubby at first. Whenever she slept in my bed, he'd roam about the house all night, completely stressed out, not able to sleep, causing a bit of a fuss. After about three months, he slept like a baby and doesn't seem to mind.

That being said, because he seems so needy and I am stronger, I don't mind him 'having' her more than I 'get' her. I'm happy with a bit less. I just like a schedule.

Basically... if you're meant to be their other primary... if you have an intimate and not just sexual relationship... then you have the right to have all the elements of that. If she's willing to be poly, she has to be willing to compromise. It might do her some good. It's not healthy to depend on another person so much that you can't bear even two nights a week!

Not an easy position for BF to be in, either.

She's not going to die... to be blunt... she needs to suck it up a little and start playing fair.

----

Now that I've said this...

Also consider.. is there anything you might get more than she does? Is it possible that she feels you two have better sex than her and him? She may not be being vindictive... perhaps she feels that she's getting the short end of some other stick? Just a suggestion, I could be wrong.
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me: female, 29
GF: my primary girlfriend, 39

3 year, open poly V, long distance

Last edited by sparklepop; 07-06-2012 at 11:31 AM.
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  #75  
Old 07-06-2012, 03:27 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Our relationship has sure had its trials, jealousy being the main one.
In what area? Time management?

Quote:
Sometimes, becos of my shift work, it is my only opportunity to have close time with my boyfriend.
Are you guys working on this to accommodate your need to have close time with BF but deal with the work schedule? If you got close time elsewhere, would you be better able to let the sleeping arrangement thing go?

Quote:
But my girlfriend cant sleep with me in their bed, she tries, but cant.
Why?

Bed to small? Room too small to fit a larger size bed?

Someone snore? Sleep apnea? It gets hot with so many people? Strangled in blanket?

And is the need to be in the same bed or can you live with being in the same ROOM in another bed? Then just flip which bed you in? But all still in the same room?

Too much togetherness for her comfort level? It breaks into their pillow talk time?

Quote:
And so i am the one who waits downstairs, lonely, hoping he will come down to me.
Have you done your responsibility to the group to address the lonely? Spoken out your wants, needs and limits?

Is he not thinking/working/talking on this problem because he is not aware there a problem? Has a sleeping schedule been tried?

Just trying to think "out loud..."

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-06-2012 at 05:04 PM.
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  #76  
Old 07-06-2012, 05:19 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is online now
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I've never actually slept over night in the same bed with by boyfriend. He's slept here 3 nights this year and all of them on the couch. The most recent time was because our son was home for at least one of the nights, but the other two were because as much as my husband would like for me to be able to have that, he doesn't sleep well without me in the bed and our bed is not big enough for the three of us (we've tried even taking a nap before all three of us and it just doesn't work). It doesn't really bother me all that much, but some of my other poly friends find it weird. Maybe it would be different if we lived together, but that isn't likely to happen.

I'm sorry that you are not able to get that need met. Hopefully you will be able to come to a compromise with your partners. I like to think that my husband would be willing to give me one night, if I really felt I needed it to be happy.

Last edited by BrigidsDaughter; 07-06-2012 at 05:23 PM.
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  #77  
Old 07-06-2012, 07:50 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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I used to not be able to sleep alone... Then my husband started working nights and I had to get over it. It was hard, I went weeks without sleeping more than a few hours each night, but eventually I got over it and now have a fairly normal schedule. It is possible to adapt to new situations and when a relationship structure changes from including 2 people to including 3, it calls for some pretty big adjustments.

My husband having a commitment to work is no less important than your boyfriend and girlfriend having a commitment to you and your relationship. It should be a priority for them to learn how to adapt their habits in a way that allows them to share their lives with you. And I very much agree with sparklepop and nycindie that it sounds like your girlfriend needs to get over herself, grow up a bit, and recognize that other people have feelings and needs too.
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  #78  
Old 07-06-2012, 07:58 PM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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They are both aware of my thoughts and needs. Im a talker and ive tried realyy hard in this relationship to be honest and open.

Cant have another bed in their room becos too obvious for kids and other family who dont know about us. I am seen as a close friend to the outside world mainly to protect the kids.

Already got a super king size bed. I snore, which i understand is a big problem for gf. Bf doesnt care, he sleeps through anything. I know he wants to spend more time sleeping with me, but is torn.

Last night i broached the idea of bf sleeping with me even one whole night but gf got very agitated, i have brought it up before, but she thinks im just wanting more and more. She says the more she gives, the more we want.
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  #79  
Old 07-06-2012, 08:16 PM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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In reply to brigids daughter......i may be wrong about this, but maybe it doesnt bothet u too much becos u still have your hubby to sleep with. I sleep alone. I sometimes start off in their bed and sometimes bf comes down to me for a couple of hours but the rest of the time i alone
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  #80  
Old 07-06-2012, 08:55 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is online now
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As much as Runic Wolf can't sleep without me in bed, I don't seem to have that problem. Sure, when he was in the military and gone for months at a time, I'd miss having him to cuddle when I fell asleep, but I also enjoyed that I didn't have to fight over the covers or who gets how much space in the bed. I honestly would be happy with starting off in the bed cuddling and then moving to sleep alone. Especially when my back is acting up.
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