Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #121  
Old 07-12-2012, 01:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,213
Default

well, you sound like you are in the ballpark, but break it down.

HOW would they show you are needed?

You want to be included in decision making for the household?

Have sharing of confidences first sometimes instead of second?

Get assigned chores in the house so you feel like it is your house too? And you aren't on "permanent guest?"

Have your scheduled time alone with each of them actually scheduled, and then honored without the other one butting in (shy of 911 emergency)?

WHAT?

Keep going. You sound like you are on the right track.

GL!
GG
Reply With Quote
  #122  
Old 07-12-2012, 05:36 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

You may not want to hear these questions, but they are what persist in my head after reading through this thread:

You say it's your gf who keeps not wanting you to move out. With the challenges she seems to have, why is that? What is she getting out of you living there? I worry that, with 4 kids, she's found someone to help with the house and kids, keep her company if she's at home during the day, etc.

Also, this:
Quote:
My bf does not want it that way, he feels that becos of the love we have for each other he would find it too hard.
is a red flag to me. If I knew him I might be calling bullshit. I know there are closed triads, of course, but I find it interesting that in the current dynamics you and she seem to be sharing him more than anything. From what you've told us I get an impression of more a V with him at the hinge than a triad. This quote sounds pretty hypocritical to me, that you can be "brought in" to their relationship but can't have any relationships of your own outside of them.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote
  #123  
Old 07-18-2012, 11:13 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,238
Default

The main question that I found coming up for me as I read this was -- why a closed triad? If you're going to be in this inherently unequal situation where you're a secret from family and friends and you don't get the comfort of your partner with you at night -- why on earth can't you see somebody or somebodies on the side to fill the gap? It's really not cool for her to talk about you and him always wanting more when the structure that's been set up prohibits you from having anything else. Whose idea was that, anyway? It seems to me that to some degree she's still stuck in the mindset of thinking you are somehow not going to be a full person with your own set of real and important needs. Maybe that sounds harsh, and as you know there are things in my own situation that I am dissatisfied with, but at least my partners give me the freedom and equality to get my needs met where I can.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #124  
Old 07-18-2012, 11:19 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,238
Default

Whoops, just saw your post about it being your bf's idea to be closed, not sure how I missed that. Still, I'm going to leave my post up because I think it's worth noting for the record that I think he's being really unfair here. Why does he get two partners and you get only one (well, sort of one and a half, since it sounds like your relationship with your gf is much different from your relationship with him)? Because he loves you too much to share you? Well, you and his wife obviously love him very much and yet you are having to figure out how to share him. Would he really break if forced to do the same?

In your position, if I were going to ask for one thing it would be not to be a secret. That can really wear on someone as time goes on. You deserve the freedom to live openly, plenty of other people with kids manage to be out of the closet about poly. It's one thing to be closeted if you only have secondary partners, but when you have two primaries I think it's just too much to ask for one to live a lie.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 07-18-2012 at 11:22 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #125  
Old 07-18-2012, 11:34 PM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 104
Default

I'm going to play the devil's advocate here for just a sec...some people don't like to be defined by who they sleep with. Does it work well in today's society? Not usually, but it might make them feel better to believe that they haven't contributed to the problem.

Also? Some people do really stupid things when their worldview is threatened. There might be reasons within the OP's community why being out as poly isn't a great idea because of the cretins surrounding their household.

If the OP has had this forced upon her, then, yeah, not cool. However, as the partner of someone who volunteered to be the "underground" partner in our closed triad, some people don't want all of the trappings of a relationship in the public eye.

Last edited by Pretzels; 07-18-2012 at 11:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #126  
Old 07-18-2012, 11:48 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default Sleep Particulars

She can't sleep without him? That sounds... a little childish. We are grown ups, we are quite capable of sleeping alone, I assure you she will survive just fine.

Something to consider: I don't sleep very well in absolute quiet. If I don't have a fan or something creating steady white noise in the background my sleep suffers. I also like it cool, and rarely enjoy cuddling for more than a few minutes. Keep in mind that your partners are going to have their sleeping preferences, so to make things easier perhaps take a closer look at what they are and see if you can make your den of sin a bit more comfortable for them.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #127  
Old 07-19-2012, 12:08 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 36
Default

We keep it a secret to protect the kids. I wish i didnt have to be that way.
Reply With Quote
  #128  
Old 07-19-2012, 12:11 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 36
Default

But i do agree annabel, it is very hard for me to live a lie to my family and friends
Reply With Quote
  #129  
Old 07-19-2012, 01:17 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,238
Default

To protect the kids from what?
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #130  
Old 07-19-2012, 06:04 AM
BohemianMLHR81 BohemianMLHR81 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Eden, NC
Posts: 22
Default jaynine

thank you so much for posting this thread. this is exactly what I was referring to in my post about jealousy and the 3rd being the one who is cast aside. I have seen exactly this situation over and over in both the poly and the swinging lifestyles over the last 25 years. I feel for you honey. Everyone is right about speaking up. The wife needs to suck it up a deal with it or you my dear need to exit stage left. One thing to keep in mind they are legal man and wife period. as long as they are married she does have priority over you in every aspect in his life including finances regardless of who loves who. you will NEVER be an equal in their lives. to prove my point if he were to have a fatal accident tomorrow, his wife would collect death benefits you would get nothing and be left out in the wind alone. I wish the entire institution of marriage was done away with. they can make you feel like an equal by getting a king sized bed etc but in the end you are still the 3rd wheel. this fact is something that you have to suck it up and deal with. If you were somone who was more than a sexual partner who out of convienence lived with them then you would share their bed by their choice. as much as I would love to be a part of a triad this is the very thing that makes me skiddish as a single woman.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bed, beds, secondaries, secondary, sleeping arrangements, three in a bed, threesome, threesomes, triad, triads, unicorn, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:56 AM.