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  #111  
Old 07-08-2012, 08:55 PM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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Getting off the original subject here but thought after reading off the website that was suggested above someone might have some input on what im about to say. My relationship began with this couple, after i ended a 24 year relationship with my husband, i was 16 when i met him. My new poly relationship started out as just for fun, my gf being the main instigater, she was infatuated by me. But her husband made no secret in letting us know his feelings, he was falling in love with me. This couple have participated in swinging before but never actual poly relationships. So u could kinda say they seeked me out to have some sexual poly fun, which very quickly turned into a serious loving relationship. The problem being that gf was surprised hubby fell for me. She didnt expect that and it brought with it a huge range of emotions, she has worked hard on, but still struggling. Her main issue is she finds it hard to deal with the fact that hubby loves us equally. He is dedicated to her and their children and would never leave her, i understand this and respect it and wouldnt want it any other way.

Certain things cause her jealousy, she says he made it clear yesrs ago hes not that much into kissing during sex, yet him and me kiss heaps. She says he has changed alot since i came into their lives, changing some behaviours she had been trying to get him to change for years, ie, he has mellowed out more, talks about his feelings more. She is pleased but i understand also confused about this.

So the crux of this is, she wanted me, she was infatuated by me, but dudnt look ahead, she thought she could keep me in a little box and just be part of a threesome, and not have an individual relationship with her hubby. Its thrown her, and weve been struggling ever since. But it is a relationship worth the effort we are putting in. Thankyou for listening, and input would be appreciated.
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  #112  
Old 07-09-2012, 05:19 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Just keep talking and keep negotiating and making sure you know exactly where everyone else stands. She's probably terrified that her husband will want you more (someone has to chime in here about all that NRE business) and for a time he might. But, if you're committed to being with both of them, your actions regarding that commitment should speak for themselves and hopefully things will mellow.

There are a lot of things we do now very comfortably that I never thought would come about in my MFM triad, mostly because I didn't think T would get to the point of relaxing enough to know that I'm not going to run off with E. But, E would likely say that he spent a lot of the first few months of us being together sleeping alone and feeling a little less than equal until the balance came.

I think the secret is to communicate, communicate, communicate and make your eventual intentions known through statements like, "Ultimately, I'd like it if we could all (whatever)." That's what E did, T noticed and we got to a point where we all started moving forward, together.
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  #113  
Old 07-09-2012, 05:28 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Something for her to think about concerning the changes of her husband:

1. You are a different person around each and everyone you interact with on a more intimate level. Not drastically different, but there are some personal interactions that are just caused by that 'couple-dynamic' (works with friends as well); sparked by the special traits each person has. General statements like "I am not that into kissing." may sounded universal back then, but in a monogamous structure they basically meant "I am not that into kissing with you." It just wasn't their thing. Totally valid point, there will be different things they like, but the statement doesn't have to apply in regard to other partners automatically.

2. He may have changed due to the special kind of relationship structure you all are involved in. I observed this in my husband's case as well. He was never one to talk that much about relationship stuff, problems, things bothering him and so on. In this new vee dynamic, he is forced to do so. It wouldn't work otherwise. We still struggle with his caginess, but he became a lot more open. I don't think that this is mainly caused by my boyfriend, it is caused by the new dynamic and basic requirements of the situation at hand. Yes, my boyfriend or in your case you brought that change about, but her husband as well as mine are just reacting accordingly. As she and you and everyone involved as well. This isn't 'your fault' or 'your accomplishment' solely.
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  #114  
Old 07-09-2012, 10:20 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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Yes, i beleive u are right about him changing becos of the special kind of relationship structure. It definately changes a persons way of thinking. I beleive it takes alot of personal work and growing up. The main thing i have noticed for me, going from a 24 year monomangous relationship with a very possesive, jealous husband, i feel more independant BUT have struggled with not being number 1. I was so used to having someone who only thought of me and only cared for me, in fact he claims he put me on a pedestal. Sadly i didnt feel any desire at all for him anymore and hadnt for a few years, i loved him only as a close brother. In some ways tho its nice to not have the demands of being number 1.
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  #115  
Old 07-09-2012, 10:23 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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I think i am learning to rely on myself more rather than others. That doesnt mean i dont deserve a fair share of time and intimacy and love though.
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  #116  
Old 07-12-2012, 06:20 AM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
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While ive been away on holiday, without my partners ive communicated with my girlfriend about my needs. She seems alot more open to helping me. Ive said that at times i feel lonely and vunerable and on the outer of this relationship and often worried i am intruding on their relationship. I have said that i could seek new relationships outside our triad to help fillfull my needs and be less needy of them. My bf does not want it that way, he feels that becos of the love we have for each other he would find it too hard. So my gf is willing to make important changes to help me feel like an equal, rather than a secondary. Now i need help from any of you with what to ask for. What i want is to feel as important to both of them as they are to me. I want to be able to rely on them when i need them. I dont want my bf feeling guilty when i with him alone. I just want to feel needed as well as loved and its hard to feel needed when i know they have each other to meet each others needs. If anyone can understand what i am saying i could really do with some help with the right words to say to my gf
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  #117  
Old 07-12-2012, 01:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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well, you sound like you are in the ballpark, but break it down.

HOW would they show you are needed?

You want to be included in decision making for the household?

Have sharing of confidences first sometimes instead of second?

Get assigned chores in the house so you feel like it is your house too? And you aren't on "permanent guest?"

Have your scheduled time alone with each of them actually scheduled, and then honored without the other one butting in (shy of 911 emergency)?

WHAT?

Keep going. You sound like you are on the right track.

GL!
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  #118  
Old 07-12-2012, 05:36 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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You may not want to hear these questions, but they are what persist in my head after reading through this thread:

You say it's your gf who keeps not wanting you to move out. With the challenges she seems to have, why is that? What is she getting out of you living there? I worry that, with 4 kids, she's found someone to help with the house and kids, keep her company if she's at home during the day, etc.

Also, this:
Quote:
My bf does not want it that way, he feels that becos of the love we have for each other he would find it too hard.
is a red flag to me. If I knew him I might be calling bullshit. I know there are closed triads, of course, but I find it interesting that in the current dynamics you and she seem to be sharing him more than anything. From what you've told us I get an impression of more a V with him at the hinge than a triad. This quote sounds pretty hypocritical to me, that you can be "brought in" to their relationship but can't have any relationships of your own outside of them.
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  #119  
Old 07-18-2012, 11:13 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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The main question that I found coming up for me as I read this was -- why a closed triad? If you're going to be in this inherently unequal situation where you're a secret from family and friends and you don't get the comfort of your partner with you at night -- why on earth can't you see somebody or somebodies on the side to fill the gap? It's really not cool for her to talk about you and him always wanting more when the structure that's been set up prohibits you from having anything else. Whose idea was that, anyway? It seems to me that to some degree she's still stuck in the mindset of thinking you are somehow not going to be a full person with your own set of real and important needs. Maybe that sounds harsh, and as you know there are things in my own situation that I am dissatisfied with, but at least my partners give me the freedom and equality to get my needs met where I can.
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  #120  
Old 07-18-2012, 11:19 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Whoops, just saw your post about it being your bf's idea to be closed, not sure how I missed that. Still, I'm going to leave my post up because I think it's worth noting for the record that I think he's being really unfair here. Why does he get two partners and you get only one (well, sort of one and a half, since it sounds like your relationship with your gf is much different from your relationship with him)? Because he loves you too much to share you? Well, you and his wife obviously love him very much and yet you are having to figure out how to share him. Would he really break if forced to do the same?

In your position, if I were going to ask for one thing it would be not to be a secret. That can really wear on someone as time goes on. You deserve the freedom to live openly, plenty of other people with kids manage to be out of the closet about poly. It's one thing to be closeted if you only have secondary partners, but when you have two primaries I think it's just too much to ask for one to live a lie.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 07-18-2012 at 11:22 PM.
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