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Old 08-19-2014, 12:41 AM
newpoli newpoli is offline
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Default Am I Threatening?

A bit about me first. I am 33, female, single (meaning in this case not married) and exploring poly. I am in my 2nd poly relationship and in both instances have dated men who are married. I fully realize that my experience is extremely limited and so I have a question for those who are more experienced.

If your married or long term partner starts dating someone who is unmarried and not in a significant long term relationship, do you feel more threatened or uncomfortable about your partners involvement with that person?

I ask that because in each of my relationships (again, I understand I have limited experience) the wives were fully open to poly and in fact these couple both had been poly (together or with other people) for 4-6 years, but after about a month of me dating their husbands they were "not comfortable with us dating." Now admittedly in relationship 1 the couple had been together for less than a year and in relationship 2 this is really his first relationship outside of their marriage.

In relationship 1 the wife told me flat out she was afraid that I would get to marry him and have a legal tie to him before she could (she was already legally married, but considered my boyfriend her husband). In relationship 2 my boyfriends wife said that she was afraid he was trying to replace her with me (they have been married 13 years). I fully realize this could just be a case of insecurities on their parts, but I just wondered that since I am not legally married and in fact not seeing anyone else (not for lack of trying, just haven't found anyone else I'm interested in at this time) somehow makes me more threatening.

Sorry, for the long explanation, just trying to answer certain questions before they're asked! Appreciate any insight.
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  #2  
Old 08-19-2014, 12:57 AM
maxnsue maxnsue is offline
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Jealousy is a strong and powerful emotion. Very useful for ensuring that a couple stays together to raise any offspring. In any poly relationship, like any relationship, someone will be prettier, funnier, more caring, more sex, etc. . The problem arises when insecurity rears it's ugly head. Complicating a relationship does not help either bit it can work.

My wife and i shared her best girlfriend who was married to someone who did not want to join us. Our g/f was wife number one in her marriage and wife number two in ours. She had her own room in our home and a condo of her own. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that my wife and I are a match that will last forever. That is one reason why our girlfriend got married. She needed to be someone's primary love. We all were primary and secondary lovers so it worked out for us over about 38 years. My wife and I swapped with some friends and we both hated having sex with someone that we did not have an emotional bond with. Problem was that we had no desire to form a bond with anyone but ourselves and our girlfriend. Kind of old fashioned but sometimes the old ways work best.
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Old 08-19-2014, 01:10 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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All of mates ladies have been single. They aren't a threat to me. It's better for him to be with a single person since we can't really host. I also don't date people with live in partners.
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Old 08-19-2014, 02:08 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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This is an extremely common scenario, unfortunately. Do a site search here and you'll find lots of stories of exactly this. It's one reason that many of the single poly women I know won't date people who are married or in live-in relationships. Generally, it seems it's usually a single woman who gets totally shafted by "veto" power from a wife/LT girlfriend (at least anecdotally, since there's no actual science I am aware of on this).

I am currently not looking for additional partners, but when I was, and if I ever do again, it's unlikely I'll date anyone with a live-in or legally committed partner. I won't say "never," because there's always a chance, but it's unlikely given how often I've been on the receiving end of veto power (even when there wasn't supposed to be veto power, it turns out there almost always is, because the wife can, and did, make both my partner's life and mine so shitty that it just wasn't maintainable).

Sorry, I know that's not heartening, but it seems a fairly common thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newpoli View Post
A bit about me first. I am 33, female, single (meaning in this case not married) and exploring poly. I am in my 2nd poly relationship and in both instances have dated men who are married. I fully realize that my experience is extremely limited and so I have a question for those who are more experienced.

If your married or long term partner starts dating someone who is unmarried and not in a significant long term relationship, do you feel more threatened or uncomfortable about your partners involvement with that person?

I ask that because in each of my relationships (again, I understand I have limited experience) the wives were fully open to poly and in fact these couple both had been poly (together or with other people) for 4-6 years, but after about a month of me dating their husbands they were "not comfortable with us dating." Now admittedly in relationship 1 the couple had been together for less than a year and in relationship 2 this is really his first relationship outside of their marriage.

In relationship 1 the wife told me flat out she was afraid that I would get to marry him and have a legal tie to him before she could (she was already legally married, but considered my boyfriend her husband). In relationship 2 my boyfriends wife said that she was afraid he was trying to replace her with me (they have been married 13 years). I fully realize this could just be a case of insecurities on their parts, but I just wondered that since I am not legally married and in fact not seeing anyone else (not for lack of trying, just haven't found anyone else I'm interested in at this time) somehow makes me more threatening.

Sorry, for the long explanation, just trying to answer certain questions before they're asked! Appreciate any insight.
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Old 08-19-2014, 03:26 AM
maxnsue maxnsue is offline
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Our girlfriend took a chance with us and it lasted for 38 years. Love is a funny thing but it seems that to some, it us more sex than love and to me that is more of an open relationship than a poly one where all partners share their life, even the mundane daily stuff that all couples have to take care of.

I read about dating but we never dated our girlfriend. She was a friend of both my wife and me who was visiting after her divorce. My wife knew that her g/f was bisexual and had been fantasizing about women a lot, which I did not know about. She simply invited her into our bed and we ended up being together for the next 38 years, even after our g/f got married.

It worked for us because out g/f went out of her way to make sure that she did not interfere with our marriage. She would ask my wife if she was OK with anything new sexually that we did. The ladies never had sex without me at least watching. Although my wife was fine with me having one on one sex with our g/f, my wife only did threesomes with us.

We did not have an open relationship. Neither my wife or I was OK with the other one dating anyone. We did wife swap together but it was always in the same room and quite frankly, we did not enjoy the sex with new partners as much as we used it as foreplay for later when we went home and had sex all night long.

I guess our brand of old fashioned poly life was more about living together as a family, even if our g/f split her time between us and her own marriage which also included her son. Half the time we did not have sex just like any married couple over time. It was always about the love and relationship with us. Sex was just a natural part of that.

I will admit that it takes a perfect storm of the right people to make what we have work but I think it is worth a shot unless you are just looking for sex and not a life partner to share with someone else.
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Old 08-19-2014, 03:29 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Interestingly the one I had a real issue with was married, lived with her husband, boyfriend and daughter. But she was demanding, arrogant and disrespectful.

The lady I adored, was unmarried, lived with her daughter, two boyfriends and a girlfriend. She was respectful, shared well, was friendly and kind-hearted and generally treated ALL of us well.

I think some people are more concerned that a single lady may turn out to be a cowgirl because they are more likely to than someone who already has a partner simply because someone who already has a partner is less likely to be mono (or they wouldn't be seeking ANOTHER partner).

However it sounds like in your situation(s) it was more an issue of insecurities arising due to the nature of the existing relationship, not an issue of concern about YOU in particular.

Whereas for me, the issues I had were directly a result of the other woman's behavior.
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Old 08-19-2014, 04:03 AM
maxnsue maxnsue is offline
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This is fascinating to me. We are children of the no internet/cable days. We had no idea that others lived as we did. I thought that our relationship with my wife, our married girlfriend and me, was complicated but some of what I read is much more complex that our simple lifestyle. May seem strange but we never visited sex sites on the internet. Never felt the urge or need. Our life was very good or as close to very good as you can get. We were three people in love who never had a single problem with our relationship. Our g/f still calls us and will someday rejoin us as her situation changes.

I do not know how I would have handled some of the complex relationships that some are in. We are a monogamous threesome. Each woman loves her husband, each woman loves her woman. Just us guys are not in love with each other.
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Old 08-19-2014, 05:29 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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It's funny you say that. I grew up without internet as well. I don't use dating sites etc. I met my husband as a girl in middle school over 25 years ago and I met my boyfriend when I was barely 18 over 20 years ago. Lol.

But things change, people change. I still have no interest in dating. I love who I love. But I don't seek love.
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Old 08-19-2014, 11:42 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I just got out of a relationship with a married man. It lasted 2 1/2 years. His wife was never ever a problem. They'd been together 40 years and met many of each others' needs, but she was not interested in the amount of sexual intimacy he needed. She also likes lots of alone time and personal space. So him being poly was totally fine with her.

Also, I am in a poly relationship with my gf, and we've been together 5 1/2 years. Both of us date guys. Neither of us would dream of vetoing the other's OSO. In fact, my sex drive is much higher than hers, and she *likes* when I have a bf. She enjoys sex more with me knowing the "pressure is off" for her to have to take care of all my needs in that regard.
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Old 08-19-2014, 04:10 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Guy and S2 are both single (Guy's divorced; S2 is in the process). Hubby doesn't have a problem with either of them, because he knows they understand that while I don't do hierarchy, I am legally married to and living with Hubby and that isn't changing.

When Hubby got together with our former friend "Betty" last year, I was a bit worried. Betty was single (sort of; I think one of the times she got together with Hubby, she was cheating on Best Friend, but my sense of the timeline is a bit shaky), and I was a little worried. Not so much that she would "steal" him, but that he would like her better.

But I brought up those concerns with *both* of them. Given the circumstances, I felt it was appropriate to talk to them both. And both assured me that while they liked each other, they both saw personality traits in each other that would drive them nuts in the long term. So there was no danger of it being anything more than fun.

If Hubby were to get involved with another woman, and she were single, I would probably feel some jealousy and insecurity. I know myself well enough to recognize that probability. But I would *talk* to them about it, not just say "Yeah, this isn't okay anymore, stop it."

As for dating sites... I met Hubby, Guy, and S2 (and Best Friend, for that matter) all on the same site.
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My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
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