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  #1  
Old 01-08-2012, 11:41 AM
ShatteredReality ShatteredReality is offline
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Default Thank you all, I know no matter what...I'll survive

Wife told me 13 hours ago about her poly feelings...we talked for 5 hours, and I thought we came to an agreement on "no".
She pushed a little for 2 hours after and i felt close to saying "yes but couldn't.
She went to her favorite bar to hang out with her friends like always.
Three hours ago I looked to the net for advice.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't stop my hands from shaking.

I don't want to keep her from being her and I see from all these replies that it would be terrible selfish and....for lack of a better term...abusive if i did.
I want to let her love freely but only love me.
I'm going numb....almost dieing inside at the thought.
Becuse of this website I know she'll not love me less.
I know its not a dissistion she 'just' came up with and she's felt this way for years (5 out of the 6 we've been married)
I understand the level of comunication in any relationship is key.
But I'm affraid I can't see her with others...but i can't see me holding her back.

And i'm not trying to offend with this word...I HATE myself for thinking she'll just go behind my back.
I hate me for not being abile to understand even after all this advice and online liturature.

....but....

After an hour of deleting post after post...and rereading this thread...I know no matter what...I'll survive.
We'll love one-another no matter what.
Thank you all for being so open, kind and carring to each-other and without knowing it....me.
I'm turning a page in my life as soon as she gets home and that page will see the end of abusive X's lies and childish fears i've been pinned to myself.

I might be back to tell you how it turns out.

"I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you." -Valerie from the movie "V for Vendetta"
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  #2  
Old 01-08-2012, 12:02 PM
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Shattered Reality,

I'm glad you found us and I hope it gets easier for you, but that will depend on your wife as much as on you. Coming to terms with this kind of thing is a joint exercise in loving at a level most people never consider. it's a level where you both walk a very narrow strip between hurting yourself and hurting the person you love most in the world. It can be done but it takes compromise on both sides and it takes time, a lot of time.

Don't be so hard on yourself with words such as "Hate". You are dealing with a lot and if you are to succeed you will need to learn how to nurture and protect yourself just as well as you will have to learn how to keep loving your wife even though there is a part of her that will keep hurting you (however unintentionally), for some time to come, if not for ever.

Let me know if there is anything specific you need in terms of support. Otherwise remember that you are not alone, others have travelled the same difficult path ahead of you and will be thinking of you. Please let us know how you go.

Sage
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Old 01-08-2012, 06:38 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShatteredReality View Post

I don't want to keep her from being her and I see from all these replies that it would be terrible selfish and....for lack of a better term...abusive if i did.
I just want to comment on this idea.
It would not be even a little selfish and definitely NOT abusive. It would be being true to yourself. Her wanting other relationships would seem terribly selfish and abusive to other mono people...but it is only being true to herself.

What you need to do is see if there is a way for you each to be true to yourselves and have the type of connectiona and commitment you both expect. Once you figure that out then you need to see if you possess the strength to follow through on the outcome.
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  #4  
Old 01-08-2012, 07:28 PM
ShatteredReality ShatteredReality is offline
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Default Hand in hand

Dear Sage,
And everyone else reading this,

First let me say that the talk last night went really well...better than we both had hoped. We both agreed that we can't stop or change each-other's hopes and fears but we can talk openly, honestly, hold hands and walk each other thru it.

Secondly...

I know I'm being hard on myself, its nothing but decades of growing in uncaring, unhealty relationships. I need to drop all this mental baggage and finnaly allow myself to grow as an individual, and inturn let my wife get to know who 'I' am...once i know who that is. Anna's (my wife.."POLY-Anna"...lol @ myself, i'm so clever) decision to open up to me mixed with this thread has done what years of depression therapy couldn't, I don't want to hide under my dirty laundry anymore..I want to run head first into this new and frightening world and with me I have the support of Anna and Polyamory.com.

Lastly (for now)

This truly is the support I need right now. Last night I had no one to turn to...then I hit-up Google and within hours I see that a woman from the opposite side of the planet wants to talk about monos (like me) openly and without judgement. With the knowlage of what other monos feel and what they are going thru I can try to build a more stable mental foundation in preperation of the feelings that i might come across. I don't feel alone anymore. My hands have stoped shaking. I've noticed that the fear of Anna leaving me is joined with the fear she'll hold herself back in loving others, and because of this thread I understand that's not a weird or uncommon feeling. Its a feeling thats going to be another one of those "let's hold hands and walk each other thru this" talks.

Other than Anna, the only people who won't look down at me in disgust for this mutual agreement...is here.
Sage...you didn't know it but a year and a half ago you started rolling a ball that would save the sanity of a shattered husk of a man.

Thank you Sage.
Thank you To EVERYONE whos posted here.
Thank you so much

"Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine." -Rick from Casablanca
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Old 01-08-2012, 07:54 PM
ShatteredReality ShatteredReality is offline
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To MonoVCPHG,
Anna did say something last night that was very simular to what you are talking about.
But if she didn't your reply would be that saveing grace i needed.

This has got to be the best support group I've ever had.


"A wise man once said: 'There are no perfect men in the world; only perfect intentions.'" Azeem from Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.
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  #6  
Old 01-09-2012, 06:55 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Shattered reality,

I am so glad you are finding what you need here. There are some incredible people here for sure. Lots of support to be had, and lots to give.

Please consider writing a thread or a blog of your own at some point. Your story and process could help others also. Have a look in the search engine in the tool bar for the tag section and see how many stories their are of people who have been here. Do a search for "mono/poly" or the like and there are many that come up.

Good luck and cheers to the wife.
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Old 01-09-2012, 12:52 PM
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Shattered Reality

I'm pleased I could be of so much help, but I am only giving back a little of what others offered me when I was going through similar feelings.

Take care

Sage
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  #8  
Old 01-10-2012, 05:27 AM
ShatteredReality ShatteredReality is offline
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Sage,
I hope i didn't embarress you with what i said, i guess i should have just stuck to thanking everyone for their posts

Redpepper,
A blog is a really good idea, my posts do tend to get a little long-winded
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  #9  
Old 01-10-2012, 11:31 AM
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SH,
Not at all, I was touched and flattered but I've been around long enough to know that so many others who spend a lot more time helping than I do, especially the moderators on the forum.

I used to help a lot more but since I've truly sorted my own relationship I'm not as motivated. I'm also studying so I don't have much spare time . This thread and a few blogs are all that I subscribe to now so it's good that you posted here otherwise I would have missed your post altogether.

I hope things are still going well for you, it can be a bit of a roller coaster ride early on but hang in there if you truly believe your relationship is worth it.

Smiles

Sage
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  #10  
Old 01-12-2012, 04:51 AM
ShatteredReality ShatteredReality is offline
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Default I did not know that about myself

Hi All,
It's really strange to watch me type this...but...Anna and I are now poly.
Also our communication has drastically improved as a couple.
But the strangest part…..

....I’m pursuing a love interest myself.

Anna wanted me to try and find a girlfriend and I said “whatever…never going to happen”
Then I texted Pixy
Now I’m taking it slow, trying not to hurt anyone and have a wing-wife (doesn’t sound right to call Anna a wingman)


So....
Can't say I'm a stuggling mono anymore.
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