Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-03-2010, 06:14 AM
Seasnail's Avatar
Seasnail Seasnail is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 77
Default Polyfidelity

Given that polyfidelity is the goal, what are the steps you might take to introduce new relationships?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-03-2010, 02:20 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

I think the answer to this question very much depends on the rules and boundaries that are set up in your individual group relationship. If you don't have any, then I would suggest you discuss it with your partners first, and work out what would be considered the "right way" to do it for you.

Since my brand of poly tends to be more towards the polyfi end we have discussed this. Essentially, the prospective new person gets to meet the group before any sort of emotional investment is made. Since the expectation is that they will be a lot closer with the group, the intention is that everyone have a chance to get to know the person, and express their feelings about the person.

The dating process is also a little different in that it's not just the one person doing the "getting to know you" part, but that everyone takes part in at least the social aspect of the thing. For us, we really want to have a functioning friendship with the others, at the very least, so that has to be something with which everyone feels comfortable.

In a polyfi relationship, a mutual trust is even more vital so that has to be established.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-03-2010, 04:31 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seasnail View Post
Given that polyfidelity is the goal, what are the steps you might take to introduce new relationships?
Hi Seasnail,

Could you possibly clarify that question some ? Introduce ????

Are you talking about how you might meet prospective loves, how you would explain your lovestyle & desires to them, or what ?

Thanks

GS
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-03-2010, 06:40 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seasnail View Post
Given that polyfidelity is the goal, what are the steps you might take to introduce new relationships?
Hi Seasnail,

I'm with GS on this one as far as needing clarification. I'm thinking that your personnel goal is polyfidelity? Keeping in mind there are a few different ideas of what that implies. One is as follows: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1720

Polyfidelity n : a group in which all partners are primary to all other partners and sexual fidelity is to the group; shared intent of a lifelong run together. More primary partners can be added with everyone's consent. The term was coined by the Kerista commune.

Mono
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-03-2010, 07:08 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Oops, maybe I jumped the gun and answered the question that I thought was being asked...
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-03-2010, 08:41 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,815
Default

Definitely need to identify what poly-fi means to you.

For us-we're a V-so we don't fit the "every partner being equally involved with one another" as both maca and gg are straight.

But we do have the understanding that we require another person to be close friends with all of us at the very least.

If/when someone comes along who is potential for that (friendship with all of us and romantically involved with at least one of us) then we would require that the person be willing/able to spend time with all of us to build up those relationships with each of us before being allowed to become part of our family..
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 02-04-2010, 01:29 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 77
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Definitely need to identify what poly-fi means to you.

For us-we're a V-so we don't fit the "every partner being equally involved with one another" as both maca and gg are straight.

But we do have the understanding that we require another person to be close friends with all of us at the very least.

If/when someone comes along who is potential for that (friendship with all of us and romantically involved with at least one of us) then we would require that the person be willing/able to spend time with all of us to build up those relationships with each of us before being allowed to become part of our family..
Would any new partner be required to also be poly-fi? For example, if one of the guys was interested in a poly woman who was already in a relationship, what would happen?
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 02-04-2010, 02:30 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,815
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
Would any new partner be required to also be poly-fi? For example, if one of the guys was interested in a poly woman who was already in a relationship, what would happen?
No idea what the requirements will be, as for what would happen, that I can answer.

If either of the guys (or myself as I am bi)
was interested in a poly (or mono)
woman (or man) who was
in (or not) a relationship outside of our circle,
we would all sit down to talk (as usual) and make arrangements to get to know that person.

The bottom line is connection-if we feel that the person can fit into our family dynamic, if we can be friends and we have a common comfort with them and they with us
-it doesn't matter what the "layout" is.
I know that a lot of people have "rules" about what type of form their family takes, but the problem with that (at least in my view) is that you could get the form, by putting a group of jerks together, to have a good family you have to accept the people who "fit" together, not fit people to a design...
I am not speaking in clear terms, I apologize-I'm not sure what terms would clearly say what I mean.
But I'm happy to answer more specific questions if I was TOO confusing!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 02-04-2010, 04:45 AM
Seasnail's Avatar
Seasnail Seasnail is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 77
Default

I mostly ask because I don't know, and I was having a hard time formulating ANYTHING other than that, but I needed to start somewhere.

So far, it's my husband and I, and we've agreed that for now, casual non-sex dating is fine, though we generally ask for approval if possible. We agree that for someone to join our family & be included in sex with one or both of us, either in a "hey, let's move in together" kind of way, or as an extended/live out familly member, that we both need to agree.

My HB thinks it's cool to just ask someone out on a date, and then tell her about me, and that she and I would meet some time in the future. He's a bit non-committal about when that might be. He says a date is no big deal, and often they don't work out, (we've been mono for 13 years, so dating is kinda new!) so he doesn't see the point in us meeting until he knows if they "click".

I would prefer to be able to meet her right up-front. I am uncomfortable waiting until there's some kind of bond to meet her and decide if I think she could be part of her family. I feel like it sets up a lot of pressure for a first meeting to go well, and makes me seem unreasonable if I think it's not workable.

We have a big enough social network that there are lots of women he can meet & date that I wouldn't need to "meet" in any particular way because I'm likely to know her from sports or parties, or wherever: I'm just thinking of people who are strangers to me but that he knows from school or work... it feels very uneven, because he already has a basis for knowing if it would work for him, and whether they would likely "click", but I don't. I'm not trying to be picky, I really want to know that she'll respect me, come to care for me, and have good communication skills. That last one is something HB doesn't tend to look for... and I think it will make a huge difference.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 02-04-2010, 05:00 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,815
Default

sea-I think it's important to really delve into the reasons each person wants any given right/rule in these situations.

We changed our boundary list dozens of times just writing it. It's been 2 months-no major change in dynamics and no new prospects, but we're ready to rewrite our boundary list because there have been so many amazing insites between the three of us-that some of the rules/rights are no longer valid in light of "who we are".

Have you two discussed your (and his) reasons for wanting/not the meet first or "whenever"?

I know for us we made the agreement that new prospects would be told ON THE FIRST DATE about each of us and our dynamic and that as of the first date any one of us has the RIGHT to ask to meet the other person at any time-therefore we must let the "date" know that after date one, they will be meeting the 'others' sometime soon.
However-that may or may not happen prior to the second date, depends on availability, time, etc. Not a big deal. BUT we also agreed that we won't take a relationship to a sexual level (knowing we all three tend to get emotionally attached and involved-so if we're going to sex we're going for relationships) without having met. So if there isn't a chance for "date" to meet us before date 2,3,4,5 etc, there also is no sex with them....

BUT -this is a VERY personal choice and every person/couple/family has to decide for themself what works for them.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:55 PM.