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  #31  
Old 02-05-2012, 06:33 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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aww big hug.
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  #32  
Old 02-05-2012, 01:13 PM
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Well, hon, I think the biggest mistakes you guys made was all that frickin' togetherness. I think it is always good to have autonomy and independence in relationships (whether poly or mono), and it would probably have worked out much better if they hadn't spent so much time together - right up in your face the whole time. I bet you could handle your hubs having a gf if they only saw each other once or twice a week and went off and did their own things, respecting your need for time alone and dates with him by yourself. Breathing room. Maybe you can renegotiate it that way, and you might want to make yourself available to meet someone else for you to date separately.
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  #33  
Old 02-05-2012, 09:31 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
Unfortunately, I just don't think that I want to keep going with this. Does still make me feel crappy, as I know that it's going to ruin it for everyone, but i just cant keep fooling myself that time will make it go away. Not going to constantly give up my own sanity for the sake of trying to make everyone else happy - i know how much my man is into her, and i know that he isn't willing to have an independent relationship with her, so if i'm not into it.... it's over. Too much freakin responsibility, but if I cant handle being around the two of them, i wonder if i'm just not cut out for this whole thing. y'know? I like the idea, but now that i'm in the middle of it i seem to just be the lamest ever at this.

Sigh. Big sigh. Double sigh. I'm on a break right now, taking space, hubby is stressing about whether he should take space (doesn't want to, jsut wants to keep on hookin' up, y'know, but he's a good guy, and doesn't want to mess me up, is just in love and can't really help how he's feeling trapped too.)
Do you just not want to keep going with poly, or to be involved much in the current relationship with your husband and this woman?

That doesn't make you not cut out for anything - I think the worst thing in group dating is it's so awkward for one person to want to un-entangle themselves form the situation - I'd just look at it like if you were dating the person and single...if you didn't want to date them, you'd stop dating them, and if you didn't want to hang out with them all the time after you broke up, you'd stop hanging out with them.

I do hope your husband will take a bit of a break if that is what you want. A bit of time to really be able to talk without distractions, to be able to be clear on what you each want from the situation, and negotiating how everybody can move forward in a healthy way wouldn't go amiss.

Er wait...why won't he have an independent relationship with her? That's really his problem, his choice? I think that'd be the second I refused to be intimate with her again from what you've said. My ex used to feel guilty if he smoked pot and I didn't, he wanted me to SHARE the experience with him, so even though I said I wasn't interested in doing it more than once a week he'd peer pressure me to smoke much more often than I'd stated my boundaries were at, which caused a lot of stress and irritation on my part.
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  #34  
Old 02-05-2012, 10:02 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Right, and right again.

Nycindie - you are SO RIGHT. I know for a fact that if we hadn't had spent so much time together, that it would have progressed at more reasonable speed, and it wouldn't have slipped away from comfort zones so fast. How could we not screw it up with us being around all the time and not having a clue how to balance out what everyone was feeling, etc. Plus, I'm a girl who needs some serious alone time, y'know? Their just wasn't enough of that, and i think it started screwing with my head.

Anne: I think on some level he would go for a oneonone relationship with our gf, but a) he would prefer for us to all work it out b) he worries that it'll mess me up even more. And yah! I tote felt that peer pressure when we were all together. I like hot sexin', don't get me wrong, but multiple times in a day/weekend gets to be a bit much for me when i'm not the one in nre. I want to hang and do other things, but the pressure is ALWAYS THERE and it made me irritable and resentful that i had to go along with it so that they could get what they wanted. i did start pressuring them to just hook up on their own, but don't even think that i was emotionally ready for that - just didn't know what to do (squirrel trappe din a sex cage aaaaaahhhh!!!)

i wonder how much of this stems from bein jelous. That i don't share that same za-za-zoo that they do, and that it irks me. i want to be ready to just let them have their own thing, but i'm torn cuz i really LIKED us all being together. i don't know what to do. taking a break seems like the best option for me right now, cuz when I act from a place of instability, i just can't get clear about myself.

trying to do all of the internal work that i need to do, trying to be honest about where this is all coming form inside of me and what i can actually deal with.

it's not that i don't want to be poly anymore, i just never expected it to be so intense, and feel like i'm ruining everything. Panicky.
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  #35  
Old 02-05-2012, 10:48 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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It doesn't sound like you are ruining anything. And you may be feeling jealous but that certainly doesn't seem to be something that's really coming across in your posts, more that you're focusing on trying to figure out how to create boundaries to give yourself the space you need, and keep from being swamped with others NRE.

You seem to be doing an admirable job, just keep not having sex if you don't want to have sex, hopefully your husband can understand that's going to cause more resentment than not being included in hanging out with them all the time. And I know it's hard to say NO, but don't pressure them to be together without you if you're not ready for it either. You didn't know just what you were signing up for, neither did they, and it is OK to take a breath and figure things out. I betcha a dollar neither of them are going to die from not having sex every single time they are in the mood
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  #36  
Old 02-06-2012, 03:46 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Is "Admirable Job" and "Spazzing Out" interchangable?

Hey Anne. Thanks for yer words of encourgament. I don't know if i'm doing an admirable job exactly. I've had two really public meltdowns in front of my partners, and basically hid away in another room twice (they were fine, gave me my space). Maybe most of my torturous emotions are inside, but i know that they're affecting my man and GF too - in a negative way. They're great about me saying no too, say that it makes it hotter when it happens.

I guess I just feel bad that i'm not perfect. That I spazzed out. That I've written long angsty letters about what's wrong for me and feel like a big baby. Wish I could just relax and not be such a stress case about everything not being like it was, but I *DO* feel responsible, and wish like crazy that I could put my finger on the pulse of what's bugging me so much.

how do you know when you're ready for your partner to vee off? What do you do when you're super uncomfortable around two people, but are supposed to be having the time of your life? How can it go from so great to so frickin' complicated? I know when it started - we kinda had a no touchy-rule for when we're all apart, and then I came home early from work and found 'em nekkid in bed together. They weren't doing it or anything, but it frickin' ruined me. I panicked. I totally took off fer hours. Didn't even want to come home, was so upset and mad. They've both apologized about it soooo many times, and have been "trying really hard to be good" ever since. I don't even know if it should have bugged me, I guess i just figured that would happen eventually, but wasn't expecting it SMACK IN MY FACE OUT OF THE BLUE. Ever since then my trust is just messed with and i feel unsafe and rushed. Cry noise.
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  #37  
Old 02-06-2012, 04:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
Hey Anne. Thanks for yer words of encourgament. I don't know if i'm doing an admirable job exactly. I've had two really public meltdowns in front of my partners, and basically hid away in another room twice (they were fine, gave me my space). Maybe most of my torturous emotions are inside, but i know that they're affecting my man and GF too - in a negative way. They're great about me saying no too, say that it makes it hotter when it happens.
How much time are you still spending together? Do you get your time for you and your husband alone at least a few days a week still? A day or two for yourself? Does them saying it's "hotter" when it happens make you feel more pressured, because it would me.

Lots of people have meltdowns early on in poly, you are not alone, and that isn't abnormal. You have a lot of unexpected junk to deal with, so I still think you are doing a good job from what you say so far _except_ with your own boundaries I think.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
I guess I just feel bad that i'm not perfect. That I spazzed out. That I've written long angsty letters about what's wrong for me and feel like a big baby. Wish I could just relax and not be such a stress case about everything not being like it was, but I *DO* feel responsible, and wish like crazy that I could put my finger on the pulse of what's bugging me so much.
Is it possible this goes back to boundaries? Have you read some of the books on poly? I find getting a lot of viewpoints on the different ways people do poly helps give me permission to have my own wants and needs, and to realize others have their own. Is your definition of perfect really that you and your husband and gf all want each other equally, and that you all want to have sex at the same time no matter what? If so, I'd redefine my definition. I think MY partners are perfect when I say what I want, they say what they want, and then we compromise if they dont match. In fact I cannot say what a turn on it is to have my husband say "no". If you read various forums you'll see time and time again people who do things they don't really want to asking for help with the situation, but instead of being upfront and honest with their partners, they aren't, and they regret it, and it can slowly poison their relationships.

I am still muddled on how clear you are about what you want from your relationship with your gf. Taking your husband out of the situation, do you really think you know how you would like that to be going? Would you still be dating her if he wasn't interested in her? Are your desires and your actions conflicting? (i.e. are you participating in sex when you don't want to?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
how do you know when you're ready for your partner to vee off? What do you do when you're super uncomfortable around two people, but are supposed to be having the time of your life? How can it go from so great to so frickin' complicated? I know when it started - we kinda had a no touchy-rule for when we're all apart, and then I came home early from work and found 'em nekkid in bed together. They weren't doing it or anything, but it frickin' ruined me. I panicked. I totally took off fer hours. Didn't even want to come home, was so upset and mad. They've both apologized about it soooo many times, and have been "trying really hard to be good" ever since. I don't even know if it should have bugged me, I guess i just figured that would happen eventually, but wasn't expecting it SMACK IN MY FACE OUT OF THE BLUE. Ever since then my trust is just messed with and i feel unsafe and rushed. Cry noise.
I've never shared a partner, so to me it seems alien not to date separately, so I have no advice for that. Do you have interest in dating her alone some? Do you have interest in dating somebody else if you don't want to be immersed in a triad? Is it too soon for you to figure that out?

However, I don't see why you think you shouldn't be upset. I wonder about this a lot. Do you think that since you initiated this grand adventure that you owe people something?

If I had an agreed boundary with two partners in a triad while I was new to poly, to not touch in a sexy way while we weren't all together, I would find it a clear violation of that mutually agreed upon boundary to be in bed naked. I don't know how I could feel safe or valued in that situation. I don't expect that agreements I make with people will just fly out the window at any point without a prior discussion. I would find it hard not to see it as two people who were supposed to care about me caring more about self gratification than keeping to our agreements, and if they really had to "try to be good" instead of maturely negotiating something that would work better for all of you, I would probably be livid, and I would feel ganged up on too probably. So kudos again to you for trying to let it go, but I take my kudos back if you feel that since you started the ball rolling, but don't want to be in bed with them anytime they want to have sex, you deserve that your boundaries be walked on

Some people would recommend you take a hard line and ask your husband to stop seeing her (or that the two of you stop) seeing her as more than a friend until you feel the trust has been re-established. Some people may give you much different advice. I think when you are new to poly you need to give yourself permission to take care of yourself. In your place I would probably ask that things slow down after such a violation of trust, but you should do what feels right to you. Just don't think that you don't have the right to ask for what you need. If you'd worked past the feeling of broken trust I probably wouldn't suggest it, but it seems to still be affecting the relationship so I would say it would be helpful to stop and deal with this, but it's kind of hard when you don't have the space to do so. It seems a bit more important to take action sooner than later until you can "put your finger on the pulse of what's bugging you so much."
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  #38  
Old 02-06-2012, 06:46 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Wow Anne. I want to date YOU! (mostly joking, but wow, your brain is HOT!)

I think we were spending way too much time together. Up until my trust was stomped all over, we were spending about three days/two nights a week together. When they violated (good word, because that's how I felt, I was f'in PISSED!) my trust, I asked for a weekend off, and then suggested we go to once a week, but we ended up having three more long weekends together, none of which went very good because i was still, is this too dramatic a word?? TRAUMATIZED. i do understand why it happened, but that didn't mean that it didn't pulverize my heart/mind/body. EVen before that i was starting to feel pressured. i've been pretty vocal about the way that i feel , and mostly feel respected, but a lot of that is lip service in my opnion, and they really just want to get down to the sexin.

Thanks for helping me see that my meltdowns aren't abnormal. my husband has asked me a couple of times "do you really think you're poly?" since i've said, "That's it, i'm taking a frickin' break for a couple of weeks" I say that maybe in theory I am, but in actuality it's just too weird for me. i think that it's closer to the truth that their bad behaviour (that's not the only instance, to be clear) has made me feel unsafe, and like i'm a third wheel to the level of desire/nre that they share. I actually had to ask them to watch their pronouns, as they were using the words "us" and "we" so much that it was startin' to drive me nuts.

No, i would not date her on my own. i find her too reserved, too awkward and not feminine enough for my personal tastes. i also find the way that she gloms onto my husband physically, but barely touches me unless we're all in bed together (that could be jealoussssss though). I did think about dating someone else, as mags gave me the advice to get some of my own nre. I put up an ad, and found this rad guy, really down to earth and kind, went on a date, and then was like wtf am i doing? We got on so great, he's sexy, stable, in an open marriage looking for exactly what i would be... if i wasn't in such a sh*tty place right now. starting something now would NOT BE SMRT! and I don't want to complicate everything even more when i have some stuff to figure out first.

I don't know if i'd trust this whole situation enough to have my hubby see this lady on his own. They've already broken my trust, and that's kind of enough fro me on some level (have had some pretty dishonest partners in the past, and it makes me a little extra-knee-jerky when it comes to bs)

Yah, i think in some ways because i started this i feel like i should be all evolved, and have it figured out. like i should be navigating these shark-infested waters like a pro. INstead, i'm choking on saltwater and wondering why the hell my liferaft isn't working.

As for seeing her as a friend, she's said that she isn't capable of just being his friend as she finds him too sexy, but that she could be my friend as that's what she's used to. I don't want to be her friend though, to be honest - i'm too pissed right now to even want to see her. I feel like even though i've had all of these ish they think that it's just going to keep on going like normal. i think that's why I've been kind of trying to force myself to be okay with them vee-ing off, but really, it's not what i want.

i'm taking a solid break. like two, maybe three weeks, and kind of want my husband to do the same (is that unreasonable? like NO CONTACT no txting, no emailing, no fakebookin, no phone, NOTHING!) and have made an appt with our regular marriage counsellor (who knows nothing about poly, which sux, cuz i would REALLY like a poly counsellor who also does cognitive) I want to have some time with just the two of us, and re-evaluate if it's worth continuing to give it a shot.

She keeps saying she's willing to do the work. Willing to process. I can sense her impatience though, and don't like how much my husband defends her and sticks up for her after only knowing her for three months (frickin' NRE makes me want to strangle everyone involved right now!) All of it makes me feel heinously unsafe.

He keeps saying "Oh i fffed it up" in regards to the nekkid day. I keep saying no one person fffed it up, and that while i hold him accountable, i don't blame him, and neither should he - that it's a valuable learning lesson for the future, and that we need WAY better rulez that he'll actually frickin' respect.
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  #39  
Old 02-06-2012, 07:27 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Just when you think you can't handle more, poly hands you a little more.

Last night and this morning were good. Went to bed feeling more clear than I had in a long time, woke up feeling really positive about the future. We have tix to a show for the three of us in mid Feb, and my hubby had suggested that we make that our next "first date" where we set an intention for a lighter approach to re-establish trust and fun times. I had said, "Let's see how things unfold over the next couple of weeks." Last night when I was checking on the crock pot dinner, I saw the tickets, and knew that it was the right thing to do.

I wake up, start getting ready for work - making the bed, etc, and my husband comes in to say goodbye. i can tell from his face that something is wrong, and I touch him, asking what's up. Our GF has msged us and broken up with us. I digest, and he's already getting set to leave the house, going to be late for work. i *am* late for work, because I'm reading her msg on fb where i find out that she's been reading this forum, and is totally upset from my post last night and is done.

Well SCREW ME. So, all those feelings of being unsafe, and having things unstable and out of control, and having finally found a safe space to unload and get advice, turns around and BITES MY ASS even more. I have a counselling sesh on Tues line up, a rad poly life coach who has stepped up to help me with my ish, regular counselling set up, have been talking to my poly sister for advice and help, have been journalling, blogging, running 5km a day, deep processing with hubby, yoga, meditation, all to try and sort this out and..... DUMPED. And now my hubby's gunna be broken hearted and pissed at me for breaking it.

F*CK! Trying to concentrate at work, do my best, but I just feel like driving around in my car and sobbing my heart out. Worst? She says she thinks I'm not poly, and that she's some kind of f'in experiment. WHAT? WHATTT????? F*CK! So heartbroken and gutkicked right now. Wrote her back, from my heart, trying so hard to stay sane. Doubt there's any chance for reconciliation now.
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Old 02-06-2012, 07:57 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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WHOA, SLOW DOWN!!!

*deep breath* Okay? Okay. Let's take this one thing at a time, shall we? (Though I'm totally going out of order of your post)

1) You did not "break" anything. Trust was already broken, and not by you. If hubby is pissed at you, that's HIS problem.
2) I wouldn't worry about her thinking/saying you aren't poly. What does she know? Seems like she couldn't manage to respect a few fairly simple rules because SHE wanted everything to be fun and games, which ain't necessarily "poly" anyway.
3) Try not to see posting here as biting you in the ass. Maybe you weren't as careful as you would have been if you had known she was going to read your posts, but ultimately you're allowed to process and express your thoughts and feelings whether she likes it or not. And it may be that her finding your posts here have just hastened an ending that was already coming. You said yourself you wouldn't want to date her on your own, so is it really THAT BAD that she dumped you?
4) Speaking of her breaking up with you guys, that sure doesn't seem to me like someone who's willing to "put the effort in" to make this work. She find something that upsets her and the first thing she does, instead of talking to you about it, is end the relationship??
5) I feel like your feelings of being unsafe and the relationship being unstable and out of control have been totally validated. I know it's a shitty silver lining, but if this is how she deals with life, what was the point in trying to work out the relationship anyhow?
6) I hope you don't feel like all your work to get to this point has been wasted. Doing that journaling and meditation and everything- that was ultimately for YOU, not for either one of them. And you will benefit from it, because now you know yourself better than you did going into this situation.
7) If she truly feels like she was an experiment, then that's something to be sorry for, but I wonder if she's just saying that in the heat of anger to have something to accuse you of. Recently someone said that being poly was a little like being a Jedi- "Do, or do not. There is no try." but I'm not sure I agree with that. Going into a new situation takes courage and effort, but sometimes it just ends up being something you're not happy with, so you have to change your path. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you continue being clear and honest with yourself and the people around you.

*HUGS* I know it all feels awful right now, and I'm sorry you have to be at work during it. That just makes everything even harder (unless it distracts you).
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