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  #11  
Old 01-22-2012, 04:48 AM
ThisIsBad ThisIsBad is offline
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I would have a more serious conversation with H, but it's hard when he says that there's nothing to talk about.

Bookbug, he attributes it to his own pesonal choice and nothing more. His gf is only seeing him and she says that she identifies herself as monogamous.

nycindie, I've spent time with his gf. She said that if I want her to, she'll discuss spending less time w/ H. But isn't it my H's responsibility to arrange something like this with his gf, and not the other way around?

When I say that he was never thrilled with the idea, I mean that my H was hesitant to be in a polyamorous relationship during our first few years. This is when I repeatedly asked if we should return to monogamy, and when I took a break with my bfs. He has never been crazy about the idea.

H has always been a planner. His gf is a longtime family friend and he brought it up out of the blue. Exit affair - "A spouse who has an exit affair may have been faithful throughout the marriage until being emotionally ready to leave the marriage. It is not difficult to find someone to have an affair with and the dynamics of the affair itself will provide the support the exiting spouse needs to pull away from the marriage."

I don't know if he has codependency issues. I do know that his parents taught him to always put other people first and that he takes those words seriously.

Could I just be overreacting? I can be neurotic sometimes.

Last edited by ThisIsBad; 01-22-2012 at 04:53 AM.
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  #12  
Old 01-22-2012, 08:57 AM
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rory rory is offline
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I wish there was some way to interpret his behaviour. It could be what you are afraid of but it could be that he's in NRE and inconsiderate. Or it could be something else. I think you can have some idea intuitively, since you know him; but then again, poly situation where he has another partner is new to you, so if you don't feel certain, you shouldn't make any rash decisions based on that feeling. However, there are limits to how much people here can help you to know what's going on. If he isn't telling you, that's a problem in itself.

Maybe you could shift your focus, though? What if, instead of trying to figure out what he wants and means and is thinking and not telling you, you focus on yourself. How do you feel? Where are your boundaries? What kind of treatment are you willing to accept? How inconsiderate is he towards you? If he has chosen to not talk to you (whatever the reason), what are you going to do with that?

You can't make him communicate, he has to want to. You should communicate to him that you take it very seriously when he cancels plans with you to spend time with gf. But if he still does it after you've done that, you can't make him stop, you can only decide how you react to that.

I think that if time and my attempts to communication didn't cause my partner to change their hurtful behaviour, and if he refused to communicate, I would take a step back emotionally. I wouldn't throw in the towel right away. But I would think about the issue in terms of if his behaviour is something I can live with or not. If not, I would choose a time, in my head, and say to myself "if things haven't changed in x amount of time I can no longer stay in this relationship".

His behaviour is, ultimately, in his control, you can only control yourself. You should decide where your boundaries are, i.e. what kind of treatment you will accept, and react accordingly.
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  #13  
Old 01-22-2012, 09:08 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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RP, thanks for the suggestion. You are correct I have no clue on how to find or post thread addresses. However I did locate it and post on it which should put with in a few threads on this page.

How did this start for you ...you said you fell in love. Was there an affair?

Was his staying for the kid or kids ever discussed?

Did you ever go to counseling?

Have the 2 of you used this site as a resource in the past?

On the topic of exit affairs ...It didn't make sense to me in the context of a poly dynamic.

Last edited by dingedheart; 01-22-2012 at 09:19 AM.
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  #14  
Old 01-23-2012, 02:01 AM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
RP, thanks for the suggestion. You are correct I have no clue on how to find or post thread addresses. However I did locate it and post on it which should put with in a few threads on this page.
I'll help you out here for others as well. Here's the thread
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  #15  
Old 01-24-2012, 08:38 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Thanks Mindful,

And as Rp said this will get lost over time...looks like another day or two.
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  #16  
Old 02-26-2012, 03:23 PM
ThisIsBad ThisIsBad is offline
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There wasn't an affair. H never discussed staying with the kids. We tried counselling but it didn't help. Never used this site before.

I think I need to build up my self-esteem and focus on myself, just like you suggested, rory. We hasd a big fight two weeks ago and he's been blowing off all out date nights to spend with his gf.
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  #17  
Old 02-26-2012, 06:14 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Usually people find counseling a tool to get communications started, or cleaned up (removing emotional triggers ) and or just generally improved with a train referee present. (fight nice kids) Also it opens up avenues to address past grievances and resentments.

When you say counseling didn't help I assume you to mean it didn't help him like or enjoy the concept of sharing you (body or time) with other guys.

Did you read the thread by kindapod???? Was your husband consistently sending you a similar message. Perhaps you didn't want to hear it so you ignored it? Perhaps his message was more subtle and it was in his actions and demeanor.

Has yourself-esteem ever been an issue in this. How many dates has he blown off. Is it the blowing off of the dates that's bothersome or the greater concept of him checking out of the marriage?

How bad do you want to be married or partners with him?

Has he read this thread?? If not it Could be a good way to start a conversation.
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