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  #81  
Old 01-26-2011, 12:19 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Senga View Post
So how is everything turning out for them now then?
They are still together, in counseling, a lot of the same issues remain unresolved.
Maybe since you brought the thread back to life they'll answer?

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Originally Posted by Senga View Post
I was wondering if there is anyone who would talk to me on the phone about a certain subject that is about our past poly experience, but is affecting our relationship (not in a particular good or bad way) but I don't think Ryan wants it posted in a forum. But I think a third persons view would be helpful. Or maybe I should just give a call to my local poly therapist...har har
You could use Private messaging.
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  #82  
Old 01-27-2011, 02:17 PM
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Well, to whomever brought this thread back to the surface, I thank you. Your timing couldn't have been better. It was a wake up call for me, something I definitely needed to read.
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  #83  
Old 01-27-2011, 09:41 PM
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LOL Wow! I remember this thread! I'm still wishing them success.
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  #84  
Old 01-31-2011, 04:04 PM
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I just want to say how impressed I am with both of you for resisting the urge to deny responsiblity for your own feelings or actions. That is so rare in this world, and here are two people living it. I wish you both the best.
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  #85  
Old 09-05-2011, 06:59 PM
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Well, it's been a long time since we were here and since I posted anything on the poly board. It's good to know that people have kept us in their thoughts and care enough to check on us. We have both done a lot of soul searching and a lot of growing in the past couple of years. I thought I'd post an update since it may help others out there struggling with similar issues.

I'm going to put each topic into it's own separate post to make it easier to read and respond to if anyone chooses to post comments or questions.
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  #86  
Old 09-05-2011, 07:07 PM
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COUNSELING

Counseling has definitely helped both of us. The catch 22 we ran into was that the problems in our marriage centered around past experiences we each had prior to starting with a relationship together. So, I felt like we needed to each do individual counseling to address our own issues and resolve those prior to doing any "couples" counseling together.

My DH didn't see it that way. All he could see was our relationship was struggling so obviously we needed "relationship" counseling. I decided to lead by example and started seeing a counselor on my own. The counselor I saw was awesome and we were making a lot of progress using a form of hypnotism to break down the barriers that were keeping me emotionally disconnected from my DH. However, since my DH wasn't seeing a counselor for the issues that caused him to hurt me (unintentionally) with his behaviors it was counterproductive... I was making myself vulnerable again and he was still hurting me on a regular basis.

Last year he finally started seeing a counselor by himself, but he seems to have a lot of trouble opening up. I did go to some sessions with him to help the counselor figure out how best to help him. I will post some of the things that came of the sessions under their own topics.
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  #87  
Old 09-05-2011, 07:19 PM
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SABOTAGING YOUR OWN HAPPINESS

One of the things that seemed to be a repeated issue in our attempts at opening our marriage was that my DH would do something really bone-headed at some point close to the beginning of a potential relationship to irreversibly damage it. He did it in EVERY single one that HE initiated and pursued.

He works around equipment so he can't wear a wedding ring most of the time and met his first "girl friend" while at a work camp. She didn't know he was married and he was afraid he'd "scare her off" if he told her. Since our boundaries required that she know about our marriage and (at the time) required that I be present for the initial sexual interaction between the two of them, it was inevitable that he'd have to tell her at some point. But once he'd begun the deception he didn't know how to un-do it. I eventually helped him resolve it and things went well when he was simply honest and up-front.

The next issue arose when he was pushing me to talk to a potential partner via chat and I was busy and unwilling to do it when he needed me to. She was refusing to proceed in their "getting to know each other" stage until talking to me to verify that he had my permission. I've found that to be common and it makes me wonder if people have been lied to about open marriages or poly situations or if they're just naturally suspicious! LOL! In any case, in his impatience he actually got on my chat program and pretended to be me. It was a REALLY bone-headed maneuver because I am rather OCD about grammar, punctuation, spelling etc. and I use words like "epiphany" and "proclivity" on a regular basis. It's obvious to just about anyone the difference in how we write. I made him confess what he did to his new potential partner and she forgave him but the damage was done.

As things progressed two things happened... #1: I began to wonder if I had married a trustworthy person. #2: I (incorrectly) assumed each time that he had "learned his lesson" and the problem wouldn't occur again.
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  #88  
Old 09-05-2011, 07:35 PM
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SABOTAGING YOUR OWN HAPPINESS PART II

We backed off from Poly/Open marriage and the D/S part of our marriage for quite some time to start working things out. During this time, my husband found and amazing, wise, sexy, funny, smart woman with whom he had tons in common and who connected with me instantly as well. He begged to begin a relationship with her. I agreed she was a rare find and believed (correctly) that she had much to teach him and could even help him on his path to deal with his issues. They began to get to know each other and so did she and I. Their relationship moved rather quickly (which is normal for both of them). Then through a series of misunderstandings there were 2 occasions on which we went to see her with me understanding that we were all 3 spending time together but instead the 2 of them took off together leaving me to hang out with her DH. I found myself feeling jealous and insecure... not of him... but of HER! I wanted to get to know HER too, she was cool and attractive and fun... and I was being left out. So, I did what comes naturally to me... I was honest and upfront with him about how I was feeling and asked him if they would slow down and give me time to get to know her. He was very understanding and agreed that would be best.

One day he told me he was going to an individual counseling appointment and then had some "errands" to run. I found out later he had met her for lunch and on another occasion was planning on having her come by our house when he knew I'd be gone. I was DEVASTATED. So was she, BTW. She had no idea he wasn't being honest with me about what he was doing. It didn't matter to me that nothing happened... it was the deception that crushed me. It nearly ended our marriage and it DID end their relationship. It even ended their friendship for a time. His only explanation was that he hadn't wanted to upset me.

Months later another issue arose when I found out he and another lady he had met online had started messaging each other. He had told me about her weeks before they started talking, but had said she lived too far away. Again, he hadn't wanted to upset me and was planning on telling me only if things seemed like they were "going somewhere" with her. Again... it destroyed his potential relationship with her and destroyed more of the trust between us.

After this last incident, I realized that he was sabotaging his relationship with me... even though he has "permission" to have relationships with other people, he still managed to find a way to be deceptive. THIS from a man who has NEVER cheated on me. EVER. Not even a shred of doubt in my mind!!! Secondly, every time it appeared he was going to succeed in starting a good relationship with someone, he sabotaged that too.
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  #89  
Old 09-05-2011, 07:43 PM
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THE EPIPHANY

It finally dawned on me to ask... "WHY do you feel, deep down, that you don't deserve to be happy or have something good in your life?" His answer STUNNED ME SILENT.

My dad and little brother (my only sibling) were killed in a car accident on our wedding night. I had never blamed losing my family on my relationship with my husband... but HE HAD! He had internalized it and viewed it as proof that he wasn't good enough for me and didn't deserve me because he had messed up my life.

Taking things one step further... he had an unhappy childhood and a miserable first marriage. When he met me and we were getting married and starting a family together he was ECSTATIC! It was the happiest he had ever been in his life. Moreover, he and my father connected in a way he and his own father never have AND he and my brother connected instantly in a way he and his own brother never have. When that ultimate happiness was wiped out in a single phone call, it was a sign to him that the universe is an ugly, cruel place and that life was out to get him. He'd never have anything good... he didn't deserve to have anything good.

He became negative, bitter and pessimistic and THAT nearly destroyed our marriage long before we even THOUGHT about opening our marriage. We had discovered the festering wound that had been infecting our relationship since the day we said our vows.
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  #90  
Old 09-05-2011, 07:55 PM
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EPIPHANY PART II

Within a month or so of the first epiphany, my DH's first love contacted him to say she'd be coming to town and wanted to see him. She's married now with kids of her own and after 20 years they had found each other and wanted to catch up on old times. He asked if she could stay with us while she was in town for some medical treatment. I was totally open to it and excited to meet her.

He was super-nervous when he went to pick her up and bring her to our house. According to them both, the first thing that came out of his mouth was, "Why did we fall apart?" He surprised himself with his directness (and me for that matter) but the question had nagged at him for 20 years!

I knew their story but had never connected the dots... they were in high school and in love. He wanted to marry her and thought they'd always be together. Her father was killed in an industrial accident and she pulled away from him. She left for college and they grew apart. Then she dumped him in a VERY cruel manner with no explanation. She finally explained to him after 20 years why it happened the way it did. There were tears, hugs and lots of apologies. It was SOOOOOOoooooo good for them both!!!

With the two of them sitting in our living room reliving the end of their relationship I finally saw the pattern... he falls in love with someone, is indescribably happy, part of their immediate family dies, and then she leaves him. The ONLY part of it that hadn't happened between us was that I hadn't left him... yet. But I could see all the years of our relationship where he had anticipated it... where it was obvious that he had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. The best part was that HE could see it too. We both had our eyes opened in so many ways.
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