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  #41  
Old 01-29-2010, 12:23 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Thanks for your long post Midnight.
Thank you for all the thought you put into your own life and then again for telling us about it all.
It sounds like you have come into a new time in your life and are at the cusp of something big for yourself and your family.
I think you should feel very proud of yourself for the effort you have decided to put in.

sending much love your way and a big hug
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  #42  
Old 01-29-2010, 12:38 AM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Thanks for your long post Midnight.
Thank you for all the thought you put into your own life and then again for telling us about it all.
I'd like to echo this. I'm glad that this place could be of some help to you - this is why I love forums and communities like this.
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  #43  
Old 01-29-2010, 02:31 AM
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
The 'conflict' that exists is the taking on of a belief that sexuality MUST be limited to a setting of deep love, bonding etc when in fact life will continue to present opportunities to test & invalidate that belief.
I'm going to call BS here.

The only test I am seeing here is of the OP's ability to take whatever her husband dishes out. Even with my limited knowledge of BDSM, I understand that's very different from arriving at a change of heart on one's own.

This is reading awfully like, "Well, you were raped, and you're having a hard time dealing, so you're going to have to start seeing rape as a legitimate form of sex."
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  #44  
Old 01-29-2010, 09:37 PM
quila quila is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
But in my opinion and experience it's every bit as ethical (and desirable) to offer someone sexual pleasure when in need as it is to offer them food when hungry. Society in general does NOT hold that view. We all get to make that individual choice.
I don't hold that view either, I guess one of the few views I hold with "society in general."

Provided you have enough to avoid starving, you don't sacrifice anything by giving away food. But when's the last time you went down to the local hooker corner to "feed" the "hungry" Johns?

In MS's case, "giving away" sex when she doesn't feel a bond to someone is tantamount to feeding her arm to a starving man. She loses a part of herself.

I'm submissive too and I derive pleasure from helping people, but not when it causes me harm. It would most definitely not be pleasurable to amputate my leg in order to transplant it into someone that lost theirs in an accident. Why would it be any more pleasurable for MS to emotionally amputate herself by having sex with someone with whom she felt no connection?
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  #45  
Old 01-31-2010, 04:19 PM
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Stewy Stewy is offline
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Default So here I am.

Ive been aware of the labels, the judgements passed and all of the diagnoses handed down and directed at myself. While I am thankful for some of the input, to some of you I must say your hypocritical at best. Being able to pin point the the impact of the first bb out of a shotgun blast at the side of the barn and convincing the masses that you can prove your theories is simply amazing.
This is my first post, and may very well be my last. Im not the greatest at writing my thoughts, telling anyone how I feel at times, my wife included. But I will tell you all one thing, I love my wife with all of my soul.... with all of my being and would lay anything and everything Ive ever had to offer at her feet if she were to ask. Ive given sweat, blood and many tears to this relationship and to this marriage as well.... Thats not to say in any way that I am PERFECT because I AM NOT . I will stand here and say that theres not anyone here that can claim to be perfect but if you layed out your transgressions and bones from your closets that I wouldnt stand over you and and scream from the rooftops that you should be stoned either.
Words can be very destructive, probably more destructive to some than they can to be a positive. You people need to think about that before you throw some of them out there, I thought that a community like this would be about help for both sides, for individuals involved in relationships poly or not. Guess I was mistaken.
I dont feel that theres any help to be had by those who label for the sake of labeling . Damage has been done yes, for my part I will live the rest of my life for the purpose of righting my wrongs and repaying my wife if SHE will allow me ,for what I have done to her and to our family. I owe the majority of you people NOTHING. For those of you and you know who you are , I will be forever greatfull for your help, honesty and all of your genuine insight into this.
With this I will leave you, have a great day.
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  #46  
Old 01-31-2010, 07:56 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Stewy View Post
I I will stand here and say that theres not anyone here that can claim to be perfect but if you layed out your transgressions and bones from your closets that I wouldnt stand over you and and scream from the rooftops that you should be stoned either.

Maybe I missed something, but who said they were perfect, and where did they say that you should be "stoned"?

(I think EVERYONE should be "stoned" but not in the "biblical" sense of the word)
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  #47  
Old 01-31-2010, 08:15 PM
quila quila is offline
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I don't think anyone meant to attack you Stewy. There was a lot of strong response from people who have had experience with D/s who saw how your wife felt about what happened. At the time, from the tone of her post, it sounded like you made her have sex with someone that she didn't want to. She asked for advice and opinions and that's exactly what she was given.

This is an online community of every day people, not a group counselling session with trained professionals. You have to expect that people are going to respond from the heart based on their own live's experiences.

I have experience in the BDSM lifestyle and have seen so many people come on the scene claiming to be Dom/mes, who have no experience and think it's all about boosting their egos, and don't realize the incredible responsibility that a Dom/me has to their sub. It's not about making the sub do things they don't want to do, either by direct order or by complaining that the sub isn't doing what they want until the sub feels forced forced to do it in order to please the Dom/me (which is what it appears has happened here.) In some ways, I feel that this passive approach is even worse than a direct order, because it eats away at the sub. A direct order to do something you don't want to do is a lot easier to recognize as an attempt at manipulation.

I'm sorry that you feel attacked, but it's a reality that you took on something big without educating yourself on the possible effects. I'm glad to hear that you and your wife are ending the D/s side of your relationship until you can both become educated on your responsibilities in a D/s relationship. I also urge you to get some serious counselling regarding your abusive relationship with your ex-wife in order to recognize those abusive patterns in yourself and do the hard work required to change that behaviour.
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  #48  
Old 02-01-2010, 02:15 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Wow. So many topics on these boards are such sensitive subjects to everyone that threads can get out of hand fast. And there are some people here that really feel the need to get very preachy with very limited info. I' sure I'm not innnocent on that count, but I will say that I read the first 3 pages of this thread, skimmed the 4th, and skipped the 5th until I saw that Stewy had posted. What I had read up until then was somewhat heartwaarming, as I always love the flood of support this board always has to offer and the helpful intent behind it, but also shocked and even a little angry at the judgmentalism that has also, I'm sad to say, become a staple of this site.

Stewy is right to be mad if he read this whole thing.

Like so many others, I'm going to have to finish difesting a lot before I really post here, but right away - helping someone on a message board shouldn't involve personal judgments unless you know for sure that somehow (good luck with this) the person/people asking for input and/or help have managed to convey every aspect and both points of view that pertain to the situation. Shame on those who stand behind a conviction based on nothing but a few sub-1,000 word posts for a foundation!
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  #49  
Old 02-01-2010, 03:06 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
And there are some people here that really feel the need to get very preachy with very limited info. I' sure I'm not innnocent on that count,
You're being "preachy" right now.

What are people supposed to do when someone comes on and asks for feedback? Say "Thanks for sharing your story, but I can't give you my opinion until I know everything there is to know from all points of view of everyone involved?" It's as if you're saying that no one can say ANYTHING unless they have something "nice" to say. I can't think of anyone on this forum who gave a "judgment" that wouldn't revise their take on a situation if they were provided with more information and/or another party's perspective.

It comes down to when it's something you want to hear, it's "support". When it's something you don't want to hear, it's "judgment". It's ALL "support" AND it's ALL "judgment". If you don't want the neighbors to comment on the stains in your underwear, don't hang your laundry where it can be seen by everyone. (That's the general "you", not "you" as in particular individuals on this forum.)
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  #50  
Old 02-01-2010, 04:44 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Wow. So many topics on these boards are such sensitive subjects to everyone that threads can get out of hand fast. And there are some people here that really feel the need to get very preachy with very limited info. I' sure I'm not innnocent on that count, but I will say that I read the first 3 pages of this thread, skimmed the 4th, and skipped the 5th until I saw that Stewy had posted. What I had read up until then was somewhat heartwaarming, as I always love the flood of support this board always has to offer and the helpful intent behind it, but also shocked and even a little angry at the judgmentalism that has also, I'm sad to say, become a staple of this site.

Stewy is right to be mad if he read this whole thing.

Like so many others, I'm going to have to finish difesting a lot before I really post here, but right away - helping someone on a message board shouldn't involve personal judgments unless you know for sure that somehow (good luck with this) the person/people asking for input and/or help have managed to convey every aspect and both points of view that pertain to the situation. Shame on those who stand behind a conviction based on nothing but a few sub-1,000 word posts for a foundation!
I was 100% (and remain so) confident that I absolutely do know what I was talking about. I am equally certain I know both sides of the story-as I've been talking one on one with BOTH of them individually and together.
I know both of them and I stand by every word I said-100% in my post.
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