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Old 09-07-2011, 09:02 AM
sugarhigh980 sugarhigh980 is offline
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Unhappy Am I even poly?

...or am I just selfish? ...or bored? I came to this forum looking for answers and identified with so many of the threads that I jumped to the easy assumption that what I'm feeling is polyamory. But after further introspection, I'm wondering if I was just passing the buck, so to speak.

For some background: I've been lurking for a while, posted a few times, but mostly read lots of threads. I am in a closed marriage of 5 (happy) years. A few years back, I fell head over heels for a married coworker. The feeling was mutual. We are both social animals and both of our SO's are a bit reclusive. So we found ourselves spending time together with coworkers at bars after work on Fridays, etc. I would usually offer him a ride home because i enjoyed his company so much. I'm not proud, but we ended up kissing a few times. This was totally avoidable on both our parts but it felt so right. We were so comfortable with each other. We would end up holding hands and just sitting quietly together. Anyway, that ended and I figured it was just a one time deal, so I would do my best to just move on with my life. But lately I find myself thinking fondly on those times and wishing to rekindle what we had. I honestly feel having him in my life could make me complete. (yes, lately I have been feeling less complete, like something is lacking)

Now, I know what I did was wrong, and I am not looking to make the same mistakes again. But I brought up the concept of polyamory with my husband today and he said in no uncertain terms that he would not be ok with me being with another man. I know we could work on this and possibly make it work (or maybe not). But I'm actually wondering if I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it too? Is it worth pursuing something that could put a strain on my marriage just because it could buy me some happiness? And what if it doesn't? What if this other man isn't willing to open his marriage or his wife isn't? It seems like there are so many odds stacked against me that I should just throw in the towel. Or maybe that I'm even just looking for permission to cheat? Weird thing is, I don't even want to have sex with this man. I just want to date him. Sigh.

Sorry for the novel, but I really needed to write out my feelings. Give insight if you can, but I just ask that you don't pass judgement on my past actions. I have to live with the decisions I have made and will deal with them when and however I best can. Thanks for reading and hopefully you can help me gain some perspective.
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Old 09-07-2011, 03:37 PM
Zenferno Zenferno is offline
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Why can't you have your cake and eat it too? Life is much, much too short not to live it.

I would say if you found yourself in love with two people at the same time, that's polyamory. If you try to keep that part of yourself under wraps it'll just spring up again as unexpected as the first time.
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Old 09-07-2011, 07:17 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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If you have been thinking about this and it has stuck with you then it sounds like you might be better off pursuing it. Why not reach for more happiness if this is how to achieve that. If you could go one way or another on this why not chose to see what happens.

Life's too short if you ask me. Boredom equals depression and lack of life's richness. Proceeding with love and respect for boundaries is important. If there is resistance and you could loose what you have or anyone else has and its not worth it, then drop it if its not that important. Otherwise why not explore.

I have a boyfriend I don't have sex with. Who ways you have to have sex. If it works it works. If it helps you feel like your life is good, doesn't hurt others and brings you closer to everyone in your life, then why not?
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Old 09-08-2011, 04:17 AM
sugarhigh980 sugarhigh980 is offline
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Thanks you guys! I just needed a boost to keep myself moving forward. I will keep having discussions with the hubby to get to the bottom of this and hopefully come up with a mutually beneficial solution.
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