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Old 01-29-2012, 12:37 AM
maxavs maxavs is offline
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Question odd dillema?

Hello,
Although I am not new to poly I am new to this forum, mostly because I have created an odd catch 22 of sorts. My wife and I have been together for 4 yrs, we were each others first loves and after 26 years of not even seeing each other reconected. 2 yrs ago we opened our relationship to others, at the time we were very strong as a couple and were very intimate with each other making love almost every day of the week and sometimes more than a couple times a day. At first things were going awesome with being open. We both communicated about our others and we had a 3some with one of her boyfriends. Usually after comming home from spending time with her boyfriends it seemed she wanted me even more. I made the mistake of hiding a 3some with a gf and a bf I had and we started pulling apart a little. After 6 months of being open I was craving more time with her because even though my others were fun and I enjoyed them none of them could replace the time I needed with her. I told her that I was going to stop seeing others because it was taking time I wanted with her.

She stated she was angry with me for starting the poly thing in the first place and wasn't going to stop seeing her others, which I was ok with as I was not going to be seeing anyone and would be able to spend more time with her..... Well since stopping the poly thing she has become very much less interested in the sexual aspect of our relationship now we only have sex once or twice a month. She still has contact with her others although she sayes she hasnt been with them since I "closed" my part of the relationship.They tell each other often how much they miss time with each other and she hasn't stopped loving them. Although there is no one else I have ever been with that makes me feel the way she does I am craving the passion and sexuality i am now missing. I would rather be with her than anyone but I am no longer able to be with her in the same way we were.

Thinking that her lack of sexual desire is because she cant have her others I have told her she should see her others and have thought about inviting one of them over as a surprise for a night of fun to possibly kick her desire back into gear.

I guess I dont know what to do. I need and crave her, I miss sex and am thinking about others againg to fill the missing space. I am cool with her being with others, especially if she wants me... I am loooking for ideas and am at my last wit, confused and frustrated.
any help would be appreciated

Thanks
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  #2  
Old 01-29-2012, 12:56 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Thinking that her lack of sexual desire is because she cant have her others I have told her she should see her others and have thought about inviting one of them over as a surprise for a night of fun to possibly kick her desire back into gear.
This is not a good idea I don't think. If I were her I would be very angry if someone did that to me. It would make things worse rather than better. I am not a sexual object that has to be convinced to have sex. I either want it or I don't. I think I would feel as if I wasn't considered at all in a decision like that. Blah, total turn off, lol.

I feel for you. My husband is bearing the brunt of something similar. I love him dearly and sex with him is great, but I only want it every now and then. Maybe once a month? I am okay with this, but I know he isn't. I spent some time just doing it anyway and that made me resentful, so now I only have sex with him if I want to. He prefers that also as he didn't want to feel I was doing it for him.

Its tricky; I have other partners that I have sex with too and that is part of it. Really though, to me sexual appetite comes and goes and I just go with it. My husband knows he is free to find other lovers and is avidly doing so, but nothing has come up that is interesting yet. He took a year off of looking for another partner and is back at it again.

We have been poly our whole relationship of 14 years. I know that things cycle. There have been times when he is only interested in men and I am not interesting to him (and visa versa), there have been times where we only want to play together, there have been times when he is deep in NRE with a gf and I sit and just go along with it, there have been times such as now where I have lots of loves and he has none and he is not getting laid as much. We keep checking in to see how we are doing and as long as the love is there and the happiness in our family we don't worry about it too much.

For us its usually related to lack of connection and getting on spending time together. Maybe you should think of doing some nice things for her that she would like. Make some nice date nights or something. Follow her love language (see the tag for that) and get on showing her you love her and see where that gets you rather than planning sex play that coerces her into having sex with you.
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Old 01-29-2012, 01:13 AM
maxavs maxavs is offline
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Default showing love

Well I do show her I love her every day, and I think I hit most of the love languages, I wake her up telling her how much I love her and make and bring coffee to her every morning ( i dont drinnk coffee lol) and send texts and note telling her often. I do everything I can to make our home happy including cleaning and the wash fairly often, I massage her feet most every night (shes on them all day), I love to touch and caress her even when I know it wont lead to sex. One of the main reasons I closed my side of the relationship is so I could spend more quality time with her.....

Right now our relationship is closed on both sides ..... I am missing sex terribly and needing passionate attention..... how would I or should I bring up the idea of opening up our relationship again without hurting her?
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Old 01-29-2012, 01:29 AM
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Right now our relationship is closed on both sides ..... I am missing sex terribly and needing passionate attention..... how would I or should I bring up the idea of opening up our relationship again without hurting her?
I think your focus is misplaced. Instead of asking her to open up your relationship again, talk to her about how you miss the physical intimacy and ask her what you can do that could possibly rekindle what you had before, or how to bring something new. Ask her if she wants to be open again, or is there something else she might want - maybe more dates with you, or going to therapy together, or even just you remaining patient because her seeming lack of desire might not have anything to do with you or your marriage being open. Women can tend to have a very mental connection to their sex lives; we think alot, and sometimes when our minds are preoccupied, or we are stressed, we just don't want sex. You seem very intent finding out how she can meet your needs, but if I were you, I would just try to open a dialogue with her and see what she needs. You can also ask her if she wouldn't mind being there with you while you pleasure yourself, even if she doesn't want to participate. She could embrace you while you jerk off and that can be very intimate.
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Old 01-29-2012, 03:07 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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I agree with both RP and NYC (while also recognizing that this situation is hard for you, since my husband has had to deal with similar issues). Pushing her is likely to backfire. Of course you can acknowledge what you want/need, but she is not obligated to fill that need, and pressure is likely to make her feel resentful.

I was struck by your statement "thinking that her lack of desire is because..." in that it seemed like you might not have actually asked what's behind the change. Seems like this is a good place to start a conversation. Also the idea of "angry about the starting the poly thing in the first place"; have you two resolved this? How good is your communication and trust right now? Are there more walls up and less openness than there used to be, on either or both sides?
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