mono gf offering me poly but dreading it...

[nllswing]

Just a piece of advice: if you are going to do something (with others), do it in a way that interferes the least with the day-to-day routing you and your mono partner have. If there are times when you are alone and she is busy - use these times. Don't make her feel like sitting alone and being neglected. Be very thoughtful about making feel loved and important to you.

If you start seeing others on your "own" time, without taking away what you and your partner have as "we time," chances are that it will be easier on her and she will trust you even more.

[nicraq]

thanks Nllswing, good advice I'll take it on board

[laughingowl]

Remember also...

She is doing you a favor, since she does care about you and wants you to be happy.

It would be appropriate, (and nice), if for every 'date' you have, you do something 'just for her'.

My advise, don't just use 'your time' for the extra date... also find a bit of 'your' time to give to your existing significant other.

Whether dating another person, or going to a ball-game, or going to a knitting show... A person often does something for their other, because they care...

When they do you that favor, return it in kind. Make her dinner, make time to watch a movie of her choice (and perhaps give her a nice massage during).

Let her know (through direct action, not just words), that you APPRECIATE HER for what she is willing to do for you!

[Josie]

I very much agree with laughing owl.

Just over a year ago I was in a similar situation to your girlfriend, I wasn't sure about having a poly relationship at all - in fact it really scared me - and sometimes I'd get lots of irrational or resentfult thoughts like 'I'm putting in this effort and making a sacrifice, why shouldn't he?'

Which was obviously the insecurity talking and whilst I'm not always entirely comfortable now, in many ways I've come to really enjoy being in a poly relationship.

Laughing owl points out an excellent way to help get rid of any resentment that might build up in a partner. It definatley worked for me. The more my partner showed me that I was loved and appreciated no matter whether he was seeing someone else or not, the more comfortable I became.

Hopefully, if she feels loved and secure, she will come to see the merits of being in a poly relationship aswell

[nicraq]

Laughing Owl & Josie, Hi. That sounds both good, to use 'my time' to do something nice for her, both to help the transition and just it'll be nice to show my appreciation as well.
We've got a session tomorrow to look at what we want/boundaries etc- a big day for both of us! It's very new and both daunting and exciting to plan this together...

[laughingowl]

Good luck and best wishes

[nicraq]

Laughing Owl, thanks again (great name btw!)

Josie, I'd be really interested in your thoughts/feelings as that happened: how did it start; how were things between you; what helped you come to 'enjoy the merits of poly'? Are you still mono yourself? etc...

We're taking it very slow at the moment, exploring the idea with a therapist. Basically it's not something my gf wants but has suggested because of her v low sex drive (& my pretty high one) I'd be much easier if she wanted the same herself or at least enjoyed my desire. I have been kind of poly in the past and really liked it, but wasn't with a full-time 'primary' partner then, this feels much harder to negotiate.
Also I'm not sure quite what I want, definitely not a purely sexual fuckbuddy, that's probably the main thing right now but it has to feel like a meaningful connection as well. Another big element for me is just the idea of monogamy has always made me feel trapped, unfree, somehow less fully myself.