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Old 01-14-2012, 12:28 PM
scaredofmyheart scaredofmyheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3
Unhappy any words of wisdom??? please???

Hi, I've been with my partner for 9 years and am deeply in love with and committed to him.

I always thought I was straight, but realised two years ago that my feelings of 'love' for another woman were not just platonic.

Yeah. Major denial.

I've been in love with her since I was about 14, we met at school - and just had this really, really intense friendship. We haven't seen each other since I started going out with my partner.

I told him a year ago that I love her, and he went nuts. He tried to break up with me, then got back together with me, then broke up, back together, broke up, back together.

Now he doesn't want to talk to me at all. He read my diary so he knows exactly how deeply I feel about this other person. I tried to give her up for him because I just didn't want to lose our relationship. But now I've told him definitively that I cannot pretend not to love her, and I want to see if I can get in touch with her again. I've tried hard to explain how important this is, and to be flexible and discuss his needs/my needs, possible boundaries, how we could support each other better etc. But he doesn't want to listen or engage in a dialogue about it. He just wants me to "choose".

Is there anything I can do to help us get through this? I know I would feel SOOOO jealous if he said he was in love with another woman. So I understand how he feels, and why he doesn't want to be with me. And I feel REALLY guilty because it seems I'm being so hypocritical, expecting him to accept something I would absolutely struggle with.

Now I don't know what to do, because either way, it breaks my heart.

Does anyone have any advice about this? All of my friends say I should either forget about him and move on, or forget about her and move on. Neither of which has really helped much .

I know that my partner loves me deeply, and he was open to me having other relationships when we first started dating (it was a condition I set down straight away, because he's much older than me and I didn't want to regret not having other sexual experiences) - but now he's totally against it.

He encourages me not to say anything about this other woman, but then criticises me for not being honest and breaking his trust.

I don't know what to do...
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Old 01-14-2012, 03:50 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,171


You are in a difficult spot and have my sympathy. That said, you are not alone. Many people come here seeking advice about falling in love with another but want to keep their current relationship. And it's not uncommon that a woman falls for another woman but wants to stay involved with a husband or boyfriend.

Check out the poly relationship corner - lots of threads similar to your own. Search tags/keywords like jealousy and mono/poly. Other folks may suggest further ideas to search.

I do want to mention one more point. Jealousy is often how one's insecurities about one's self are expressed. Having a strong relationship, IMHO, requires a willingness to face and manage insecurity - I think this is true for all relationships but is critical for ethical non-monogamy. Nothing will push one's buttons like a partner's potential partners. You've experienced this when you acknowledge you feel very uncomfortable about your boyfriend seeing another woman. This is a really normal reaction. And it sounds like your boyfriend is experiencing similar insecurity and jealousy.

It is possible to work toward a mono/poly relationship where you see others and where your boyfriend is monogamous to you, assuming that would be his preference. But both of you have to be willing to deal with painful feelings and much uncertainty.
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Old 01-14-2012, 05:49 PM
newguy newguy is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: U. S. A.
Posts: 49


I just got the new of my fiance’ (Polykat on here) wants another relationship also…our situation is very similar to yours…with the exception of her not have anyone in mind, hers may include dudes, and I didn’t leave or give an ultimatum….also, I’m not threaten by another female…so, I know how he feels regarding that issue.

My question to you is that you suppressed this for so long, why now? Did your feelings ever go away or just got stronger over time? Could you ever just say “Ok, I’m going to forget about that part of my feelings to be with my man.” or do you think that it will happen eventually?

Just questions because I’m trying to understand my fiance’ and if this (her feelings) is something that she can live without…we are staying together until she (or if she ever) decide that the feeling is more stronger than our realationship.

I know you came here for help and didn’t expect to help others…but I would appreciate you help in this matter.

As for your situation, does your friend know about your feelings? If not, this may be all for nothing…if she does know, does she feel the same? To me, it seems like he is faced with something that may never even happen. I think that you should involve her in this process…another question, if she does not feel that same, does that mean you suppress your feelings again or find another to explore these feelings with?

Last thing, I feel his issue is that he is an alpha mono and don’t want you with anyone…mine is that I’m an alpha mono and don’t want her with another dude (Kat asks what the difference in the sex…I’m not sure, but there is a difference for me…I’m not threaten by another female).

Good luck in you situation….
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Old 01-15-2012, 04:04 PM
scaredofmyheart scaredofmyheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3
Red face

Hi guys, thanks for the advice. Especially the stuff about jealousy opalescent - that's definitely something I need to work on. So really appreciate bringing the focus back to that, it'll help a lot if I can figure it out more, and work on my own insecurities

Yeah, newguy, it's really complicated.

I tried to forget about her. I really, really tried. And even when I thought I'd forgotten about her, I'd suddenly have a dream and it'd all come rushing back.

I just literally could not get her out of my mind. And I love him, I loved him, and we had a great relationship - but part of me was always suppressed. And I wasn't truly happy. I knew I wasn't truly happy, but I couldn't figure out why.

When I finally told him about my feelings for her, I felt happy for the first time in a very long time. Like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

It was about acceptance. I needed him to accept that she was part of me. Even if I never see her again, I need to be able to talk about her, and have him love the part of me that loves her - does that make sense?

Obviously, he doesn't want to do that. And I can well understand!

For me it's that I'm deeply in love with this other woman, and if it's not her, then there's nobody else I'll go with. But in a way I reckon that makes it worse.

I dunno - I think maybe if I were you I'd be trying to explore a bit more why your girlfriend really feels she needs to do this.

What I can say is that when I felt my man accepted, then I wanted to stay with him. Him giving me freedom actually made me want to be with him more.

Like when we started going out and he said, yeah, you can sleep with whom you like. That made me not want to go out and sleep with other people, because I felt so free!

I think that communication, as much communication as humanly possible is best. At least that way, you will know how she feels, and she will know how you feel, and then you'll be on the same page, whatever page that is.

Don't know if that helps, but thanks for your comment anyway!
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Old 01-15-2012, 04:15 PM
scaredofmyheart scaredofmyheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3

Hi guys, thanks so much for the help. Great advice about the jealousy thing opalescent - I definitely need to work on that. If I can figure out my own insecurities more, maybe I can get through this better.

Hey new guy - I'm afraid no, my feelings were always there, and I tried really, really hard to let go, or move on from them, but I just couldn't.

It was kind of like trying to cut a part out of myself. And I wanted him to love and accept that part, except like you say, he's an alpha male - he wants me to be his.

And being an alpha female - I also want him to be mine!!!

So it's really hard. For me it was not so much about the sexual freedom, it was that I'm in love with her...and yes, she's started calling me and hanging up, because I emailed telling her that. So I think there is something left between us...

When my bf first told me that I could have sexual freedom, it was absolutely necessary to me. And that's hard, because I could have found someone else. I think, the thing is it can work both ways:

You can find out that what you have is so much better than what you think is out there. (which is what I discovered with the few guys I played around with while being with my man). Or you can use 'sexual freedom' as an excuse to look for someone else while being in a relationship. So enjoying the security while looking around. Which I also did, I'm really ashamed to say.

There is a chance she's genuinely poly, which would mean that if you say no, she's not going to let it go.

The only thing I can really say is that COMMUNICATION is the key. If my man had actually talked with me, and talked with me more and really let me tell him how I felt instead of running away, or trying to shut me up, or telling me he didn't want to hear about my feelings...

Maybe we wouldn't be in this situation now. But it's so hard to hear, I know.

But if you know, I mean, really know how she feels, why she wants to do this, really come to a deep understanding, then maybe it will help you both. At the very least it will be a good way to know each other better. And to explore what the relationship you have truly is - and find more respect for each other.

Does she really know why she wants to do this? Do you know why?

I hope you guys figure it out. All the best to you!
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