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  #21  
Old 01-21-2010, 01:42 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by River View Post
Looking at the words I actually uttered, I think it is clear that I never said anything about anyone "completing" anyone at all.

Indeed, River. But it WAS mentioned in the original post when the OP said that his wife was looking for something that she was not getting from their marriage. True, he did not use the word "complete" either but the notion of "incompleteness" was implicit in that description, as well as being a concept that is repeatedly touched on throughout the forum.
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  #22  
Old 01-21-2010, 01:51 AM
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River River is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
Indeed, River. But it WAS mentioned in the original post when the OP said that his wife was looking for something that she was not getting from their marriage. True, he did not use the word "complete" either but the notion of "incompleteness" was implicit in that description, as well as being a concept that is repeatedly touched on throughout the forum.
Well, I think it's just wrong to imagine oneself as incomplete and in need of completion by another, or by several (or dozens) of others. I also think it is just wrong to think that one is "complete". None of us are aptly described in terms of incompleteness/completeness -- that's what I think.

What is sad and pathetic is that so many people are looking to be "completed" by particular relationships. Wholeness isn't identical with completeness. We're all whole in our relation with all of life, and not without it. Yet we are all in relation with all of life! -- broken and whole we are whole.
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  #23  
Old 01-21-2010, 03:51 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by River View Post
What is sad and pathetic is that so many people are looking to be "completed" by particular relationships. Wholeness isn't identical with completeness. We're all whole in our relation with all of life, and not without it. Yet we are all in relation with all of life! -- broken and whole we are whole.
Hey River,
Although I agree pretty much in total with what you "mean" when talking about this, I think part of this is just more of the same misuse of terms without explanation.

Like you, I feel sad for anyone who REALLY - in the literal meaning of the term - feels completion comes from somewhere outside. But I don't think that vast majority of people who discuss things of this nature are attached to that literal meaning. I think it's just their way of expressing that there are certain elements they want/enjoy in their life and that it's unrealistic to find all those elements in one place/person.

Maybe another worthwhile observation in a discussion like this would be to acknowledge that it's also unhealthy/unreasonable to expect from another person that THEY develop & embrace all the same beliefs and preferences that YOU do in order to please you ! A better understanding of different perspectives - i.e. a little horizontal movement - doesn't hurt any of us. But to be expected to redesign ourselves to fit someone else's model is totally unacceptable But that doesn't mean we won't have many - even a majority of those qualities that make for a nice fit.

GS
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  #24  
Old 01-21-2010, 04:52 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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I don't know, I know a number of people who really are looking for someone to "complete" them in the real literal sense. For what it's worth I don't think that entering into a relationship without feeling complete in yourself is a very good foundation. Looking for validation from outside without feeling like a whole person inside is not the best way to start anything.

Sorry to hijack Mr Mom!
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  #25  
Old 01-22-2010, 12:15 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by MrMom View Post
Some more info on my situation...

I've been reading some books that my wife has purchased, such as "Open" and "The Marriage Makeover". I'm honestly still on the fence about an open marriage and have certainly not ruled it out. But the way I see her relationship with this other man is that they were college boyfriend/girlfriend. She transferred to another school and they broke up. That was well over 15 years ago. Now they've reconnected (yeah, thanks alot stupid facebook) and I find out that he's not had another real woman in his life since my wife, and he's never gotten over her. From what I've seen, they are in love with each other, and she wants to carry on this relationship via an open marriage. I might be ok with us involving others in our sex life, but I don't think I'm OK with her having a separate life-partner where if I was out of the picture they'd probably end up getting married and having a monogamous life.

Is this a normal reaction on my behalf? Are there different levels of open marriage, as set by the rules that I keep reading must be set? What if either my wife or I don't like the third person?
yes your reaction is normal.
BUT-hers may be as well.
I am a polyamorous woman. I was born poly. I can honestly tell you that in my whole life I've always FELT love deeply with more than one person.
I kept it a secret because I was raised in a strict christian home and thought that I was "flawed".
I married my husband (maca is his login if you search it you can read his version).
I love him deeply and would do damn near to anything for him.
Including try my damnest to be a "good wife" as defined by the church and most of society.
BUT-I couldn't STOP my heart.
I also love my best friend (GG is his log in and he's rarely on here).
I had an affair.
Lots of drama etc.

I "came out" poly in September and sat down with maca.
The bottom line for me is that I AM inlove with BOTH of them, not some random "fuck". So it would be POINTLESS for Maca to "agree to an open marriage if I only fucked someone else".
First of all-it wouldn't change that I AM IN LOVE WITH GG ALSO. What it would do is create an atmosphere where I was again supposed to suppress that and pretend to be something I'm not for my husbands comfort.
Second of all-it wouldn't operate because I'm not interested in sleeping around. I'm interested in HONESTLY being MYSELF with my husband.
In order to TRULY be me-he has to accept ME for who I REALLY am.
Who I really am IS TRULY DEEPLY committed to him and in love with him and happy being with him
AND
TRULY DEEPLY committed to GG and in love with GG and happy being with GG.

That said-no one here knows your wife-so we can't say that SHE struggled through a mess like this one I did. She may have (certainly not unusual) or she may be using poly as an excuse.
ONLY deep, open, non-confrontational, accepting conversation is going to figure that out.

I do wish you luck. I know it's painful to deal with an affair and it's difficult to decide to change a major dynamic in a relationship. Together can be hell.

The good news is that it CAN be done.

Feel free to PM myself or Maca if you would like to talk.
God knows we've been there before, but coming out has been well worth it. EVEN if we divorced now (not happening, just saying) what we have each learned about ourselves, our needs, our requirements in relationships..... just not replaceable. I truly don't know how we managed at all before.

*fyi-we are 34 and 38 yrs old. So we do grasp the highschool thing. GG and I have been friends since he was 17 (he's 33 now).
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  #26  
Old 01-29-2010, 10:27 PM
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anon4now anon4now is offline
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Originally Posted by MrMom View Post
First off, if any of my questions are not appropriate or not within the focus of this community (i.e. more for a counselor than a bunch of strangers on the internet) I apologize and feel free to move on.

My wife just told me she's been having an affair for a while with another man. She blames this on needing to find something that's been lacking in our relationship. She want to be able to continue seeing this person and move our relationship into polyamory.

Here's my concern: I told her that with some time I may consider an open marriage to a degree, but that I'm not comfortable with the person she's with. She says that she doesn't want to be with anyone else besides him (and me). Is she just using polyamory and the concept of an open marriage as a tool to enable her to stay with this person and not destroy our family? I feel as if she's not really interested in polyamory if she can't have this one particular individual.

Thanks for any advice. I do respect the concept and I respect those living it for being able to overcome the things that I'm struggling with.
:: edit :: Ok, so maybe I should read all 3 pages before I post... even though it might not be helpful, I don't think it will hurt to leave it up.

Let me start with the fact that I am new to Poly and I dealing with almost the same thing as you and your wife but I am the one who had an affair.

I can tell you that I 100% do love the woman I was having an affair with. I would love to be able to convince my wife to open our marriage to include her but know that she will have the exact same response as you if she were to be ok with the idea. She would say HELL NO NOT WITH HER!!!

I would say the exact thing your wife said. I only want to be with my wife and the other woman. The emotions I have for both of them have been formed over MANY years of knowing them and I couldn't imagine falling into love with anyone else because of the lack of history. I don't want to "find" another love because I already have them.

Since I am still trying to come to terms to tell my wife about what has happened and that I would like to open our marriage in this manner, I don't have any answers... I just want you to know that there is a great chance that she really does love this other man (as I love the other woman) and we don't want to use Poly as a reason to have other sexual partners.

I don't know if this helps at all but feel free to PM me.

Last edited by anon4now; 01-29-2010 at 10:37 PM.
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  #27  
Old 01-30-2010, 05:31 PM
sunnydee sunnydee is offline
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Polyamory doesn't mean people are disposable or interchangeable, and, while people do it, it doesn't mean that relationships outside the primary one are only sexual either, so, in the sense that your wife is talking about polyamory, no, it doesn't make sense that it's an excuse. What polyamory does seem to mean (among other things) is that one need not destroy one relationship to have another.

While it's understandable that the OP wants to feel in control of this situation, and he's right that this relationship is a threat to his current situation, it should be obvious that he has not been able to control his wife's or her friend's feelings. He won't be able to control those. The only thing he can control is his reaction to it. His wife has a second relationship. She is attempting to preserve the first relationship. All the OP can do is also attempt to preserve that first relationship.

I've been in this situation, too. In our case, the person in OP's role eventually destroyed the relationship by focusing on trying to control the other two rather than connecting with the original partner.

You don't have to be "everything" to your wife, but you have to be a partner she wants to connect to if you want to preserve your relationship. You're married, you have history, you are in a strong position. Focus on your strengths and the love you feel for your wife to calm your fears and process your anger. Of course, I don't know, and it's possible you can force your wife to end the other relationship, but from the looks of it, your wife is going down this road. My guess is you can't stop her, so you can choose to either go with her or watch her walk away. You may feel it's wrong or unfair, but it is what it is. You will be happier and stronger if you deal with what is, rather that what you think it should be.
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  #28  
Old 01-31-2010, 02:30 PM
msskellington msskellington is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
yes your reaction is normal.
BUT-hers may be as well.
I am a polyamorous woman. I was born poly. I can honestly tell you that in my whole life I've always FELT love deeply with more than one person.
I kept it a secret because I was raised in a strict christian home and thought that I was "flawed".
I married my husband .
I love him deeply and would do damn near to anything for him.
Including try my damnest to be a "good wife" as defined by the church and most of society.
BUT-I couldn't STOP my heart.
I also love my best friend .
I had an affair.
Lots of drama etc.

.

UM, LR wrote my story for me apparently....We came out publicly this month, but I told my H years ago that I was deeply in love with V and would always be. V wasn't available to recently to be in a Relationship with me but we are working through something very similar.
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