Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 01-24-2010, 08:06 PM
MrMom MrMom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Rural MN
Posts: 10
Default

Hi all. Just wanted to say thanks again for all the helpful advice. As hard as I'm going to try I don't feel very confident in things working out well. I'm almost at a point where I want to simply ask her not to see him ever again, and for them to go back to being old friends that occasionally write letters to each other. There's too much that I know for a fact she's not telling me about their relationship, I've given her every chance imaginable for her to come clean and she hasn't. I even told her that there's zero chance in my allowing their relationship to continue without her telling me everything.

It just sucks all around. She still says she'll never leave me for him. I just am not looking forward to the depression and resentment that will take place if things don't work out her way. But like you've all said, I can't go along with something if I'm not truly invested in it.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 01-24-2010, 09:29 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMom View Post
I'm almost at a point where I want to simply ask her not to see him ever again, and for them to go back to being old friends that occasionally write letters to each other.
OK, fair enough, but if you are pretty certain that she is lying to you about what she is doing now, do you really think that you will feel any more trust if the two of you agree that she and he should just be friends? How will you feel secure that she's not still seeing him and that they are lovers?

This is what I have been trying to say about building the trust. If you can't get that then no matter what you agree, it's going to be very hard to have a functional relationship, in my opinion.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 01-28-2010, 03:33 AM
MrMom MrMom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Rural MN
Posts: 10
Default

Well everyone, I just wanted to say thank you for the help, kind words and simply the fact that your forum exists. You are more welcoming and warm to new members like myself who come along with seemingly the same problems and questions than any other forum that I've been to.

Unfortunately, it appears as if my case is not as simple as I thought. After some more talking and discussions with my wife, and some input from a friend of hers that's been trying to help, it appears that my wife just decided that she doesn't love me any more, she feels regret at marrying me in the first place (yeah, I know, that was over 10 years ago), and just wants out. But she's too scared to do it herself, so I think she's just decided to bide her time until I finally throw in the towel and leave. What hurts me the most is that we have two wonderful kids (3 & 6), and I feel like my wife probably won't even care that I'm going to ask for full and complete custody with very little visitation on her part. I honestly think that she can't stand being around the kids. It blows my mind that someone can do what she's doing. The hurt I feel is beyond anything I could ever have imagined.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 01-28-2010, 03:37 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Simply sad for you...I've got nothing to offer other than when her new relationship energy dies off maybe she'll wish she had of thought more about her decisions.
Go find better my friend

Peace and Love
Mono
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 01-28-2010, 03:43 AM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMom View Post
The hurt I feel is beyond anything I could ever have imagined.
I really feel for you - this is a horrible thing to have to go through, and even worse when the people involved can't be honest and open with each other about it.

I hope that you get some clarity and a clearer path ahead. I'm not sure that we were really much help to you, but if it was a little, then I'm glad.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 01-28-2010, 04:15 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

I have one thing to say and that is, this SUCKS.

I hope your kids are not damaged by this impending ordeal, and I hope you are able to find true happiness with someone(s) else.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 01-28-2010, 04:27 AM
Seasnail's Avatar
Seasnail Seasnail is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 77
Default

*Hugs*

My wish for you is to find healing and happiness.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 01-28-2010, 07:46 PM
redsirenn's Avatar
redsirenn redsirenn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293
Default

I am very sorry.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 01-30-2010, 12:40 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 77
Default

That really sucks. My ex has no contact with my kids, it's sad because they ask about him and think I made him leave. I try not to say anything bad about him to them, I figure they'll figure it out themselves eventually.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 02-01-2010, 05:54 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 77
Default

Thinking about it more...you should figure out what you want, what you can't deal with, and what you'd be able to live with, and ask your wife to do the same. It's important for kids to have consistent parental involvement, but that doesn't mean that the parents have to be married to each other- and if she doesn't want to be part of their daily life, then maybe it's better for her to just not have much contact with them than drift in and out of their lives based on whims.

Just try to think outside the box a bit. What if you got divorced, but shared a duplex so the kids saw both of you every day? What if you formed a MFM household? What if you continued a financial/parenting partnership, while each of you had other romantic/sexual involvements?

I'm wondering if her current attitude is how she really feels, or if she's just freaking out over the possibility of losing the new shiny. This is somewhat different circumstances (since she was cheating) but it's really hard having a relationship end (or even have to take a break) when you're in the middle of NRE and neither of you wants to end it---whoever or whatever comes between you ends up seeming like the bad guy, no matter how justified they were, or how hard you try not to resent them, because your brain is all jacked up on dopamine like a junkie, and they're stopping you from getting your fix. (Yes, I've BTDT, and I'm suspecting it'd be more intensely painful if all contact other than letter writing was forbidden, although it's probably easier to forget about someone if you aren't around them all the time....then again, it's probably easier to idealize someone if you don't have to listen to the snore and smell their farts and pick up their dirty socks that they leave randomly strewn around the house...) That's why some people refer to the retro-active veto as the nuclear option- it often damages or even destroys the relationship it was intended to save- even though in your case, it doesn't rationally apply because you hadn't given consent before things started, but junkies are not rational.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:44 PM.