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  #11  
Old 01-14-2012, 09:08 PM
Carrie Carrie is offline
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There are other reasons bf and wife are still together. I'm trying to be vague(ish) so no one knows who I am.... Mostly, the cheating in their marriage has been one time things. And why they are still married comes down to finances. Today, anyway. Before that, I think it was a sense of loyalty, the kids, etc. And of course he's NOT being loyal by having an affair, but I don't think she cares (as much) as long as he comes home to her every night.

I wasn't looking for a married man, or an affair. I wasn't even looking, but I was unhappy in my marriage. Same old story. He is also NOT a co-worker or former high school flame as so many are.

My doctor only recently suggested bipolar as a diagnosis - after I mentioned the sex things. She can't say with certainty, of course. It does seem to explain phases of my life, even if it doesn't excuse them. I certainly am not one to throw a mental disorder at every misbehavior and call it good. I'm skeptical. I have found, though, that if I'm aware of what might be happening with my thoughts, that perhaps I can preempt, or channel any harmful actions.

Back to plural marriage for a minute - it would legitimize polyamory and negate the "need" for most affairs, I believe. But that is probably discussed in the Religion thread. I certainly didn't mean to get this deep in my introductory thread. It's alright with me - but I don't know how the mods feel.

Dan Savage's book sounds good, too.
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  #12  
Old 01-14-2012, 09:27 PM
vermin06 vermin06 is offline
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I see. I wasn't trying to pry, but being vague makes things trickier to talk about

I think that polygamy sounds like an excellent topic of discussion.
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  #13  
Old 01-14-2012, 10:00 PM
Carrie Carrie is offline
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No problem. I'm trying to be as open as possible.

Originally, I was just going to be the "hotwife," and then I felt bad, because I know how much he loves me to "allow" that.

But now..I have considered not seeing anyone else, because I don't know if I can handle him seeing someone else. He knows that, and that's why he hesitates. It's a dance of sorts now, between him not wanting me to give him "permission," just because of the threat of him doing it in secrecy - and giving him permission because I love him and trust him. Something like that. I WANT to be secure, and "good, giving, and game."

It really is difficult when one is not only doing ONE thing that goes against one's upbringing, but doing and considering doing even more complicates things further.

I don't push for my divorce because then I would have an excuse to really become involved with someone else, if I so desired. Someday, I will do just that, though. Does that make sense?

But...right now, I'm trying to navigate new feelings of jealousy - unfair as they are. I already overcame the feelings of jealousy for his wife - and oddly or not, he has feelings of jealousy if my husband is around, but not anyone else. Because of the history, no doubt.
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  #14  
Old 01-14-2012, 11:42 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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As to belonging here or not, I think that many people here would agree with a definition of a polyamorous person as someone who has the ability and willingness to form multiple romantic relationships, or simply as someone who is capable of loving multiple people romantically at the same time, whether they in actuality be celibate, monogamous, cheating, swinging, open or in a poly situation. I don't personally much care for the latter definition, because I think there are plenty of monogamous people in love with multiple people who yet choose not to go poly because they believe it's wrong, impractical, too challenging, too threatening or simply not done. Which is btw why I don't think legal polygamy would have an effect on cheating.
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  #15  
Old 01-15-2012, 12:04 AM
Carrie Carrie is offline
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Thanks, Black Unicorn.

Quote:
I don't personally much care for the latter definition, because I think there are plenty of monogamous people in love with multiple people who yet choose not to go poly because they believe it's wrong, impractical, too challenging, too threatening or simply not done. Which is btw why I don't think legal polygamy would have an effect on cheating.
I think I know what you're saying...that even if it was legal, people would still disagree on moral principle, or because of the financial burden. So they would still rather be cake-eaters. And even some of those who would choose to have multiple spouses, would still be enticed to go outside of their marriage(s) to that which is forbidden.

Like David and Bathsheba.
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  #16  
Old 01-15-2012, 12:21 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
As to belonging here or not, I think that many people here would agree with a definition of a polyamorous person as someone who has the ability and willingness to form multiple romantic relationships, or simply as someone who is capable of loving multiple people romantically at the same time, whether they in actuality be celibate, monogamous, cheating, swinging, open or in a poly situation.
I disagree. I believe most people here would not say a person is polyamorous if they are just swinging, and definitely not if they are just cheating. They can do these things AND be poly, but either cheating or swinging alone is not polyamory by any means.

However, that doesn't mean the OP isn't welcome here to ask questions and figure things out for herself. But cheating is cheating, not poly.

Carrie, just in case you weren't sure, most people cite this as a good working definition of polyamory: "The practice, state, or ability of having more than one intimate loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved."

The full knowledge and consent of all parties involved is an important element. If poly is what you want, there may have to be some choices made about being honest and open in your relationships. A lot of people come to poly through cheating, but that's usually when they stop hiding out. Personally, I don't see what you're doing as cheating in regard to your husband, because you and he are separated, but your boyfriend is cheating and you are a party to the disrespect he is showing his wife by doing that. The difference between cheating and polyamory is that cheating is dishonest and unethical, while honesty and openness is crucial for poly to work. Poly is a form of ethical, responsible non-monogamy.
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  #17  
Old 01-15-2012, 01:13 AM
Carrie Carrie is offline
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Thanks, nyc.

I would never equate poly with cheating, and I can see that is a sore spot with some - because they certainly don't want to be thought of as adulterers merely because they love multiple people.

If we take the cheating out of it (which, I know we can't) then it's just me and him looking at being open to loving more than one person. We're not there yet. First, because obviously, we need to get divorced or he needs to make sure wife is okay with it. Second, because we haven't really gotten to the emotional aspects of having multiple relationships. We both agree that if a person continues to have sex with the same person, even if it's not often, some feelings do develop, which are necessary for any ongoing "relationship."

We don't really want to be swingers - NSA, anyway. For us, it's more a matter of finding others who we're both okay with, and who are okay with us. I'm more picky about approving of partners for him, than he is for me. Naturally. So far, nothings happened on his side yet, anyway. He really hasn't had time. Right now, it's the thought that counts, I guess.
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  #18  
Old 01-15-2012, 05:12 AM
yogos yogos is offline
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Welcome!
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