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  #1  
Old 01-11-2012, 07:41 PM
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Default Help! Boyfriend too gentle

My lover has had a large number of lovers - he comes from the swinging community. He's very gentle in the bedroom. It's beautiful and sweet, but at some point I want him to just take over and take me over!

He won't lead. He's mentioned wanting to "unleash the animal inside" but we both have no idea how to get him to do it. He's had very much reinforcement to be gentle.

Suggestions to get him to open up?
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Old 01-11-2012, 11:17 PM
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Well that's kind of vague. Are you speaking of BDSM aggressive? If so The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton would probably be suggested to be helpful. If not, you can go to amazon in that human sexuality section there, and pick out a couple of books to start from.

You might have to have a few sessions in the bedroom where YOU do the work of telling him EXACTLY what to do the entire time. After a few times doing that and seeing you enjoy it maybe that will help him take the lead on his own.

Me though, I'd probably just find somebody to date who likes to have sex that way. Are you sure he isn't content with how he has sex and isn't talking about finding his animal side because you're telling him you want him to be different? I mean all he has to do is google "how to be aggressive in bed" or something if he really wants suggestions.

I love sex with my husband but while encouraging him to get more aggressive resulted in a bit of change and the occasional wilder night, it didn't change enough that I don't crave that elsewhere on a more regular basis. Because I've stopped hoping for and talking about it with him, it has helped our relationship (including his comfort level surrounding this) by taking stress off of the subject.

I guess I think part of the point of poly for me is to not try to change my partners, but accept them for who they are. If I want something else on top of that I get to be lucky enough to be able to look for it elsewhere. I don't think many things are more destructive to a healthy sex life than to regularly be letting a partner know you wish they would do things differently or better.

So with that said, why don't you try being the aggressor and being specific and forward and provide positive reinforcement when you like what he's doing in response to your requests. Really, I'd do that straight for a few weeks, and if that didn't kick start him into finding it was for him, I'd just accept it wasn't going to happen.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 01-11-2012 at 11:19 PM.
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Old 01-16-2012, 03:18 AM
PolyInFL PolyInFL is offline
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I have a very similar situation with my husband. He is very tender and caring sexually, ready to let me have my way with him. But sometimes I want HIM to have his way with ME. After struggling for years we realized that we are not going to have that kind of sex life together. We love each other very much and I don't want him to stop being a tender and affectionate man, but he will never be an aggressive lover. I love him as he is and it hurt me to see him feel like a failure because he could not be that way for me. We have definitely been happier since we came to accept that it is okay for us to enjoy different things sexually. It does not mean we don't love each other and certainly does not mean we cannot have a happy marriage. In our situation, poly makes a lot of sense. I suppose some people would say we could just swing, but my husband is not looking for that lifestyle and I personally enjoy the idea of more as well. We have not yet put our poly ideals into practice (barely) so it can still be frustrating when I am in the mood for some hot jungle sex. But loving my husband as he is keeps us together. Trying to get him to change who he is in bed was making us both miserable.
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Old 01-16-2012, 03:26 AM
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I can't speak to whether or not it's a good idea, and those who have spoken on that have done well.

But, your question was for ideas on how. How about a very specific fantasy by you? I requested such once, and didn't get it; but you never know if you don't try. Like, 'how about we pretend to be the Roman and the slave girl?' or something. Most people have the concept of acting, and it can make it easier than having to invent for oneself the words, the actions. What would a Roman do? I can do that.

I had a gf once who requested a rape fantasy. I think it was before I remembered the time that I was raped. I had no problem with it (memory or not, nothing about what we did even remotely resembled what happened to me). It didn't especially get me off, but I was so happy to make her happy. Unfortunately, she was rather horrified and decided she never needed to do that one again.
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Old 01-16-2012, 03:43 AM
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Think of one or two things you'd like to start off with incorporating into your sex life. For example, you might want him to pull your hair, or smack your ass. Start off with small things like that and let him know how much you enjoy it each time. It might not happen every time, but with positive reinforcement, eventually he'll get more comfortable with it and then you start asking for more, like if you want him to hold you down or something like that.

You can also buy some toys that will help. For example, if you like being restrained, get some handcuffs (get lightweight feather-lined ones which don't seem very intimidating), or soft rope, and ask him to tie you up. Without toys, you can just tell him what a turn-on it is for him to pin you down so you can't move, and keep having him practice not letting you get away.

I also think role-playing could be a lot of fun. Slave master/slave girl, teacher/schoolgirl, etc. You could wear a wig and slutty outfit and meet him at a bar, have him pick you up, and tell him you like it rough. Maybe if he feels like he's playing a part, it will be easier for him to come out and be more aggressive/assertive.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-16-2012 at 04:01 AM.
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Old 01-16-2012, 03:50 AM
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I'm speaking only for myself here, as a guy who would no doubt be considered "too gentle" by most of the people who've contributed to this thread.

I would respond very, very badly to most of the suggestions here. I mean, it's all very well that some of you enjoy role-playing; I would not. I am also unwilling to inflict pain. I just don't play that way, and would recoil at the suggestion that I try.

I'm fortunate to have a partner who puts the same value on equality and gentleness that I do. If she needed roughness, I would encourage her to find it elsewhere.

Isn't part of the point of polyamory that I don't have to be all things to one particular partner, that I don't have to change deep-rooted and, frankly, non-negotiable things about myself to fit someone else's mold?
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Old 01-16-2012, 03:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
Isn't part of the point of polyamory that I don't have to be all things to one particular partner, that I don't have to change deep-rooted and, frankly, non-negotiable things about myself to fit someone else's mold?
Asking a partner to try a few new things in the bedroom is not asking for them to make fundamental changes in who they are. I would think that all suggestions should be made in the spirit of discovery and fun, not in trying to change a person. It should be like, "Hey, honey, let's try something new! I think I would like you to..."

Don't we all need to learn what our partners like sexually? Nobody walks into an intimate relationship automatically knowing everything there is to know about how to please the other person. Personally, I see an unwillingness to be taught new things and an adherence to only making love one way without acquiring new skills/tricks/techniques, as rather rigid and close-minded. As well as boring. I don't need rough sex, but my favorite lovers are the ones who make it different every time we're together. Change it up so I don't know what to expect every time! Nothing wrong with having a larger repertoire of skills. Try some things, if it doesn't feel right, move on, try something else.

Besides, don't forget -- the OP has stated that her lover specifically wants to learn how to "unleash the animal inside" but doesn't know how to get started. So our suggestions are not about changing him, but are about finding ways for him to explore something he's interested in and willing to do, but just clueless about how to go about getting there. So, there's no reason to take these suggestions as trying to impose something on him.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-16-2012 at 07:13 AM.
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Old 01-16-2012, 05:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Besides, don't forget -- the OP has stated that her lover specifically wants to learn how to "unleash the animal inside" but doesn't know how to get started. So our suggestions are not about changing him, but are about finding ways for him to explore something he's interested in and willing to do, but just clueless about how to go about getting there. So, there's no reason to take these suggestions as trying to impose something on him.
Fair enough.

I guess I felt compelled to put in a word for being vanilla. The premise of the thread, even the OP's boyfriend's reported interest in learning to be more . . . aggressive? is that there's something wrong with preferring to be gentle.

That I have such a preference makes me, in your words, "boring." That I stand by those preferences, and tie some of them to matters of principle (i.e., no coercion, not even make-believe coercion, not ever) makes me "closed-minded."

I reject any such judgment, just as you would no doubt reject the judgment that there is something wrong with not being gentle.
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Old 01-16-2012, 05:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
I guess I felt compelled to put in a word for being vanilla. The premise of the thread, even the OP's boyfriend's reported interest in learning to be more . . . aggressive? is that there's something wrong with preferring to be gentle.
Hey, I'm a vanilla, too! I just like my vanilla with some sprinkles every now and then.

No one said there is anything wrong with being gentle per se. The discussion is centered on the fact that it isn't satisfying to the OP for her lover to be so gentle all the time, every time, and for him to never take the lead. Clearly, this is a matter of personal preference that the OP and her lover struggle with. They both want to mix it up. Certainly no one here was declaring that all gentle lovers should eschew their mild-mannered ways and become animals.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
That I have such a preference makes me, in your words, "boring." That I stand by those preferences, and tie some of them to matters of principle (i.e., no coercion, not even make-believe coercion, not ever) makes me "closed-minded."

I reject any such judgment, just as you would no doubt reject the judgment that there is something wrong with not being gentle.
I did not say non-kinky sex is boring nor that it's boring to be gentle. I think it's boring to always do the same thing all the time sexually and never try anything new. I don't like always knowing what to expect when I get in bed with a lover. For example, I love trying new positions. If a lover was going to stonewall any suggestions I made for a different position without even trying it, that would bother me. The absolute refusal to experiment and expand one's sexual knowledge is what I consider close-minded, but that doesn't mean I would expect anyone, including myself, to try things that would erode self-esteem or go against what is important to their sense of self, etc. Experimenting and expanding could be something as simple as making love with the lights on, if that is something new for somebody. Keep in mind that one person's rough could be another person's gentle, and that "unleashing the inner animal" doesn't necessarily mean inflicting pain.

Being a little uncomfortable with something is okay, because learning something new can sometimes feel uncomfortable. But it's not worth it if it feels degrading (if degradation is not their thing), like it compromises one's integrity, or if it's just plain repulsive to someone, just for the sake of trying it out! It's a good thing to learn how to please a partner, but not at one's own expense.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-16-2012 at 07:15 AM.
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  #10  
Old 01-16-2012, 05:52 PM
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OP, when you say he "won't lead," do you mean that sex doesn't happen unless you initiate it?
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