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  #31  
Old 01-13-2012, 09:19 PM
awakeandready awakeandready is offline
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Thank you SG (and SG's hubby)! That is a great point and one I needed to hear. I'll try!
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  #32  
Old 01-15-2012, 05:51 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by awakeandready View Post
Redpepper - I need to address this first. I know I wrote a novel and you probably missed it. But please, give us a little credit. We're all educated, intelligent adults.

Prior to our quad R & I have been monogamous for 25+ years, T & S for 15+ years, plus we ALL were thoroughly tested for STIs, plus pregnancy isn't an issue for either couple although just for that off chance both women are using backup. Yes, we had the responsible discussion with them.

Of course pulling out isn't safe sex!!!! That was simply a request that I had made to him because I was uncomfortable with the idea. He pulls out with me because he LIKES to. That's the only reason. For now I had asked that he do so with S as well. That's all.
Thank you for clarifying. I didn't realize that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by awakeandready View Post
... (all he'll tell me is that hearing me with T that night was really hard for him and was especially so since things weren't coming together for him and S that night), R now feels the complete opposite and seems to see the relationship with T&S as a threat to our marriage.
It seems to me that he has suddenly realized that the sex is not just for sport and is for something more deep and connecting. That is common for people. Sex for people has different meanings and/or at different times. It sounds like his trigger is two fold; the aspect of you having sex with someone that you might just "love" and the aspect of him not getting laid and you did.
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  #33  
Old 01-18-2012, 11:04 PM
awakeandready awakeandready is offline
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Just a quick update to let you all know that we had an awesome two full days of "vanilla" fun with T&S. No stress. No drama. No pressure. Then the second night all 4 were on board and the sex came back into the mix. And that too was awesome. I think R and I did a good job communicating with each other through it all and all has been calm and drama-free since. I guess we're on the good part of the roller coaster ride for now. What a relief.

We never did share the fact with T&S that we've been having some relationship issues. We were all having so much fun together that the time just never seemed right. Plus, I think R&I are both still hoping we can work through this on our own and not pull them into our drama and problems.

All the above said, we DID still set an appointment with one of the counselors that we found on the list referred to earlier in this thread. I think the way we were ripping each other apart this past week scared us both. R knows there is a problem and he wants the help in learning better ways to cope with stressors than his angry blowups...and we both want to improve our communication skills. And I also think it will be helpful to have a neutral third party to help us talk about and clarify exactly where we are, what we're doing, and where we want to go with this.

Thanks again for all the advice!
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  #34  
Old 01-18-2012, 11:07 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Once it's not so intense you might want to let T and S know that you've been having some issues with your husband. People tend to be able to sense tension and T and S may very well feel that the tension is happening because of something they have done.
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  #35  
Old 01-19-2012, 01:44 AM
nicraq nicraq is offline
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Awakeandready, I've very little experience in all of this just want to say congratulations to both of you on what sounds like a wonderful marriage where your acceptance and love shines through the anger/jealousy/insecurities that have reared up. It really moved me, good luck to both of you.
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  #36  
Old 01-19-2012, 06:13 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Awakeandready...As I've been reading back through all the posts, it strikes me that you seem to be the one taking the majority of the responsibility for making sure that everyone else in the relationships don't get their feelings hurt...or get their needs met....or are "protected" from negative events, etc., etc. While sensitivity to others is good....you are all adults...and each is responsible for getting needs met, protecting oneself, etc. It wore me out just reading about all your efforts! I didn't hear that anyone else involved put the kind of time, energy or thought into the relationship dynamics that you have. (I'm not saying they should....just maybe that you don't need to either.) I speak from personal experience as one who spent many years trying to make it all better for everyone....finally realizing after some personal growth work ...that I can't...nor is it my responsibility to do so when it comes to other adults.

The word is over-used...but I think there's a bit of "co-dependency" going on here on your behalf. Maybe part of the reason your husband's abusive behaviors are as infrequent as they have been is because you've gotten better at picking up the "cues" earlier on as to what might lead up to an abusive episode....and heading things off before they get to an abusive stage. It would not be unusual for someone growing up in an abusive situation to take on this type of "role" or behaviors. Please consider discussing this with your counselor.

I have worked professionally with domestic violence situations. When people with abusive behaviors would say "I'm sorry....I'm a shit"...etc. Our response was "Don't tell someone you're sorry. Tell them what you're going to do about it...and then show them!"

Last edited by dragonflysky; 01-19-2012 at 06:23 AM.
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  #37  
Old 01-19-2012, 06:20 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Welcome and thanks for sharing!!
I agree with everyone else- the anger and rage issues are going to have to be dealt with.
Also, relationships often work best when things are paced a bit. With some discipline and restraint, it can be helpful to let more time pass between meetings so the emotions can have a chance to cycle through. Some of the roller coaster stuff could be an indication to slow down.....what's the rush?
There is a lot of good support here....lots of great people and good experience. Keep sharing!!!
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  #38  
Old 02-06-2012, 05:01 PM
SmoovMochaNut SmoovMochaNut is offline
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I feel bad for R. He had deep conflicting emotions or limitations. If he couldn't play, then he didn't think you should consider playing as well - and it was unclear if you realized this - but R should have verbalized it at some point. My partner sometime does this. She thinks I know all of your non-verbal/facial expressions & I don't. I'd rather for her to talk to me, especially if it's something she's uncomfortable with. I don't want to find out afterwards how upset or jealous or disappointed she is about something I did with somebody else.
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