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Old 01-09-2012, 01:32 AM
newguy newguy is offline
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Default Help Needed...

Ok...so I'm not sure how to go about this so please be gentle with me....

Evidently, I'm mono...didn't even know about poly until yesterday...I knew about swinging...anyway, I was blind-sided yesterday with this and have been doing as much research as possible to figure out if I can be in a poly situation or not...

So, my fiance' just hit me with, "I want to be poly"...but only after, "I want you to be poly". Now we have had this discussion before, but without the 'poly' term...she has stated that I could have my wife (her) and another woman also. When she first came up with this (prior to our engagement) I thought it was because I like sex and she does also, but not as much as me...I thought she just wanted help in that arena.

Background info...I have been married before and the only time I ever cheated was when my wife would not have sex with me...I explained this to my fiance' (then just girlfriend). I told/tell her everything because I want our relationship to be as open and honest as possible. So, when she tells me about the extra girl...I asked her then if she wanted the same...she said "no"...to me, dream come true...now I know I'll have enough sex...

Yesterday, she started with, "I need you to do something for me...get into a relationship" not just sex, but a relationship...later, after several hours of discussions...i find out what the real deal is and I'm not with it at all!!!

But, here I am trying to rap my head around this...but I have been raised Mono (with hidden sides) but I love her and our openess...so I must at least look into this thing before I make a major (life changing) decision.

All of that to say/ask these concerns/questions (in no particular order):

1) I'm worried that our sex will decrease with another dude in the picture (I know that sex should not be that 'big' of a deal...but for me it is)

2) Other then long-term partner(s), what is the difference from swinging? (yes, I have read some articles but I want REAL people's response)

3) On the poly site that I have visited, most poly-mono relationship has the man as the poly....I know that there are poly women on here so my queston is how does your mono partner handle the times when you are with your other?

That's all I have for now...ok, not really but I don't want to write a novel.

Looking for any and all responses on this matter. Thanks in advance for not being to hard on this 'mono' dude.
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Old 01-09-2012, 03:40 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Welcome to the Forum.

Not to worry, there's a couple other mono dudes around here that can probably point you in the right direction. Keep in mind that you don't need to change your own preferences to accommodate your partner, although to keep things healthy and happy, you may want to reexamine your own mindset and assumptions about relationships to find the middle ground that both of you could be happy in.
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Old 01-09-2012, 07:33 AM
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Hello and welcome.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
So, my fiance' just hit me with, "I want to be poly"...but only after, "I want you to be poly".

So, when she tells me about the extra girl...I asked her then if she wanted the same...she said "no"...to me, dream come true...now I know I'll have enough sex...

Yesterday, she started with, "I need you to do something for me...get into a relationship" not just sex, but a relationship...later, after several hours of discussions...i find out what the real deal is and I'm not with it at all!!!
This is such a strange phenomena, am I wrong or is this pattern showing up more often than before? It won't help any of you if the other does something like 'being in a relationship' for the partner. Relationships are about the persons that are involved in the respective one, not about outside persons that want to gain something from them. That is just wrong and will hardly work for you or her. If she wants to be poly : fine. If you want to be poly: fine. If you want to do some swinging or recreational sex: fine. But don't dictate what the other should want/do in this regard. It won't help and everything will start off on the wrong side of things.


Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
But, here I am trying to rap my head around this...but I have been raised Mono (with hidden sides) but I love her and our openess...so I must at least look into this thing before I make a major (life changing) decision.
Well, most of us have been from a more monogamous upbringing and background. I have had a really hard time wrapping my head around the concept and possibilities that are out there when poly kind of 'happened' to me. If you love honesty and openness, a great time will follow this initial talk. My husband, my friend and I gained so much from all the brutally honest discussions when we started, it brought us closer together and helped us see who the other really is. My husband showed sides of himself that I hardly knew of, it was really a strange time in our relationship, but for us it was such a positive experience.

Take your time thinking over what you want in life and from the relationship you have got with your wife. This is entirely up to you, what you are OK with, what you want for yourself and how you may can achieve this together.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
1) I'm worried that our sex will decrease with another dude in the picture (I know that sex should not be that 'big' of a deal...but for me it is)
Well, to be honest: this will depend on the frequency you have now. In our case we reached nearly the same as before after a rough time when it went down for my husband because I had to adjust to the situation. When my boyfriend moved in, he had to suffer a certain loss of sex, because my sex drive is a bit lower than that of my husband or boyfriend. And I was too stressed to get into the mood sometimes as well. But I have to say that it increased as well over time. Now it is on a level, where I can satisfy the needs of both men without having to decline too often.

But this really depends on the persons involved. If you have sex on a daily basis, you could suffer a bit I think. Because that is no longer a problem of want, but a problem of time mostly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
2) Other then long-term partner(s), what is the difference from swinging? (yes, I have read some articles but I want REAL people's response)
The most obvious thing first: involvement. Partners from swinging can be good friends at most; you may even form a relationship-like bond with them. But what your girlfriend seem to talk about are long-term relationships. And relationships come with some level of personal involvement on an everyday basis. A poly relationship isn't purely about sex, it's about spending time together outside the bedroom, maybe shopping, cultural activities, sharing some personal space, getting to know different sides, what ever you think can be interesting in new relationships. Just think about in from a mono point of view: Why do you need to be in a relationship with someone? Why isn't it enough to have sex from time to time? That's what relationships are still about in a poly arrangement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
3) On the poly site that I have visited, most poly-mono relationship has the man as the poly....I know that there are poly women on here so my question is how does your mono partner handle the times when you are with your other?
Yep, poly women with two monos speaking here The best arrangement for us was to move my boyfriend in. This worked so well that most of it developed naturally. But, that is unlikely to work in your situation, I think. My husband and boyfriend knew each other for years, my husband knew that there was some kind of special bond between my boyfriend and I, my husband has been really open minded in regard to the topic and has not that much problem with the physical side of things. The main question my boyfriend had to consider: Am I able to share a girlfriend in a live-in arrangement with her husband being present? Serious stuff, I know. We discovered some difficulties with personal time already, I wrote about that in my blog on this side (see signature). But those are maybe a bit different from the ones you are likely to discover because we are a live-in vee.

The only general statement I can give in regard to that topic: they handle it much better now than in the beginning. Time helps tremendously, you get used to this, it even becomes kind of natural. And what helps as well: if you take to the person you are sharing the time your wife/girlfriend has got on her hands with. It's hard if you don't have some kind of personal relationship with the new person as well. We call that metamour relationship.

For some it helps to concentrate more on themselves. You maybe will come along the term 'making yourself your primary', this is about cultivating own interests, hobbies and such, caring for your needs and having a good time on your own. Practising self-love. The difference in poly is the lower possible level of codependency. It's quite common in monogamous relationships, but this will hardly work in a poly one.

Oh dear, there I go, writing whole novels as an answer Sorry for the wall of text, I hope it helps somehow.
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Old 01-09-2012, 06:33 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
So, my fiance' just hit me with, "I want to be poly"...but only after, "I want you to be poly". Now we have had this discussion before, but without the 'poly' term...she has stated that I could have my wife (her) and another woman also. When she first came up with this (prior to our engagement) I thought it was because I like sex and she does also, but not as much as me...I thought she just wanted help in that arena.
Another poly woman with a mono husband, here (he'll be by when he has time). I can tell you that earlier in our relationship (we've been together 14 years, so I'm talking a WHILE ago) I wanted him involved for two reasons: first, to share some of the physical experiences WITH him, instead of it always being him OR others, but also because I had feelings of guilt for "abandoning" him when I spent time with others if he didn't have anyone to be with. This was my own problem, though, not his. He actually enjoys his alone time. I had to work through my assumptions that caused the guilt, and that took time.
Quote:
1) I'm worried that our sex will decrease with another dude in the picture (I know that sex should not be that 'big' of a deal...but for me it is)
I can't really help with this, as my sex drive is generally higher than my husband's so that's rarely been a problem. In my case though my relationships with other people had, if anything, a positive effect on my sex life with my hubby because I felt good and wanted to share that with him.
Quote:
2) Other then long-term partner(s), what is the difference from swinging? (yes, I have read some articles but I want REAL people's response)
I am definitely not a swinger! At this point in time I've had PiV sex with ONE person ever- my husband. I've been physically intimate with other people but I was never looking for just sex. It wasn't about the sex, it was about the person. The attraction usually brought some physical component with it but that was generally a side-effect, not the main cause. (I find it hilarious when I get called a slut or whore for being poly since I'm fairly certain I've technically "slept" with fewer people than the person being all judge-y!)
Quote:
3) On the poly site that I have visited, most poly-mono relationship has the man as the poly....I know that there are poly women on here so my queston is how does your mono partner handle the times when you are with your other?
I guess I sort of already answered this above, but...he does stuff. He's with our kids, or reading, or on the computer, or watching some stupid, cheesy made-for-syfy movie that he knows I'd hate.

I'm really lucky in that my husband and my partner are friends in their own right so, while alone time with each is definitely important, we can spend time hanging out all together too. I don't always have to choose. It's much harder, I think, when making plans with one always means telling another you're busy. I wish you luck as you continue to try to wrap your head around this! I AM poly, and sometimes I have a hard time wrapping my head around it!
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Old 01-10-2012, 03:05 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I am also a woman in a vee with two monos. They were actually friends before we all were friends. When I broke up with first bf, current bf helped, both of us, a lot. He eventually became current boyfriend, and the three of us remained very good friends all these years. We have only just begun, so I certainly have no stores of poly info to drop. Just to say 'another one here.'

They both seem totally okay with it so far. First bf does live a few hours drive from us, so that seems to help. *I* seem to be a little more freaked out about than they, and I'm the one who asked for this. Current bf has theorized about it for years.

They're both fiercely independent and ...um, self-contained. So, I don't think they fret about me and where I am or what I'm doing, unless I'm in the room with them. I don't live with either one, so that makes a difference too. I think it would be a different conversation if we lived together, and it would be a very different conversation if I was looking at 'finding' a new person.

I emphatically agree with the others though ~ please don't force yourself to date 'for her.' That's just gonna lead to unhappiness somewhere.
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Old 01-10-2012, 05:03 AM
newguy newguy is offline
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WOW...Thanks ladies!!!! You have answered most of my questions...and I appreciate that


But I do have a question...not to be racist...but are there many black mono men in your lives? Curious, because I'm black and I have never even heard of this...and I have been all over the world and have had all kinds of experience...during that tiem, I have met few (not many) black swinger couples and I wad wondering it the same in the poly community?

Please don't take offense...I only know how to ask the questions I have directly...

Got to be honest...I think I may be to traditional for this in the sense, I can understand a (yearly) quickie to get something new but not the whole relationship where he is there...I hope that my fiance' (or maybe my ex-fiance') understands that all men can't handle that...
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Old 01-10-2012, 06:08 AM
Monochrome Monochrome is offline
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Hello, and welcome to the forum. I'm new here myself, but I'll try to help answer your questions.

First, everything I talk about here is from my own experience. I've looked over the forum, and talked with some swinging/open/poly friends, but I haven't really "done research."

I'm a mono straight man and my wife (ThatGirlInGray) is poly with a long distance boyfriend. We have always been very open, but being poly is something we grew into over time. I think this time is important, for two reasons: first, you need to be sure of your relationship, your partner, and yourself before you can expand the relationship and bring in more people. Second, and this really ties into the first point, is that you need time to talk about things. You need time to process what you feel, and if you go too fast it can be overwhelming and you may react before you know what you are reacting to. And this adjustment works in both directions, too, so if she wants to go further than you, you may need to bring up that you aren't comfortable with something. So talk, and even more importantly, listen.

That said, I'll try to answer your questions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
All of that to say/ask these concerns/questions (in no particular order):

1) I'm worried that our sex will decrease with another dude in the picture (I know that sex should not be that 'big' of a deal...but for me it is)
I can't really speak to this. As Gray said, I have the lower libido, and we haven't had "full sex" with anyone but each other. But, what she has experienced while we have been open with our marriage has not had any impact on our sex lives.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
2) Other then long-term partner(s), what is the difference from swinging? (yes, I have read some articles but I want REAL people's response)
We haven't done any swinging, but we have had an open relationship since before we were married. Gray has "played" with people, but almost always it has been with people she considered friends first, anyway. That's just how she is. So, she has (almost) always had some sort of relationship with the person before she did anything with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
3) On the poly site that I have visited, most poly-mono relationship has the man as the poly....I know that there are poly women on here so my queston is how does your mono partner handle the times when you are with your other?
As Gray said, I am introverted and time alone helps me recharge, so I don't know as this will be very applicable to you, but I'll give it a try.

My relationship with Gray is best if we're both happy (isn't there a saying about, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"?). Her previous connections were important to her, so I didn't see it as any sort of imposition to give her time to have one on one time with these others. Since her current relationship has become more serious, the time with ThatGuyInBlack is even more important to her, so I am even more inclined to let her have time with him. We make sure to have our own alone time, and she is careful to talk with me about time and sometimes scheduling time with him or with me if need be. This comes back to what I said above about talking. Talk with your partner if you think you need more time together, and better yet, schedule the time and make dates. Gray is already great at this, so I have it pretty easy on the date night front.

Gray's relationship with TGIB is long distance at the moment. He is planning on moving out here pretty soon, so I know that the dynamic will change when he is actually here, so there will be a change in exactly when and how they can spend time together. But this is something we will all talk over and hash out. Again, the key is talking with each other.
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