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Old 01-14-2012, 10:06 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

I wasn't intending to come across as putting all the blame on you.

What I objected to was your stance that everything was Lana's fault and that she's 100% to blame for all the shit that went down. In human relationships, nothing is ever 100% one person's fault. I probably didn't phrase that as well as I could have. My bad.

There will always be other Lanas, either romantically, socially, or professionally. You can't change that. What you can change is the way you deal with those people.

You will never be able to control how other people behave. All you can control is how you behave. So if the way you behaved in this relationship did not work out so well, is it at least possible that behaving a different way might have a different outcome?

Can you honestly say that you made no mistakes in all of this? Because if so, then damn, you must be the only perfect person on the planet. But realistically, you're probably human, and humans make mistakes. Now, clever humans learn from their mistakes and try to avoid repeating them. Other humans blame their circumstances on other people and keep repeating the same mistakes over and over, expecting different outcomes.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 01-16-2012, 05:01 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 373

I think yes, you and your remaining partner should focus on each other perhaps forever. I don't think you're an awful person and I don't care that some of your relationships have structured to look like something people could toss the word harem around to describe. You're going to try to make something work and through that make mistakes. So will the people you're involved with. There is mention of manipulation and conspiracy among some of your partners against others and the one you remain with is one of the people who made that mistake. Till she can find a way to refrain from that it is quite possible that adding people to the relationship you have with her is going to continue to be problematic.
Maybe some long talks between the two of you to find out what caused her to gather one member to her against another can help. You may even find your mistakes in that talk. It seems to me if there was someone she could gather to her in that way to work against another, that person who was willing to do that might well do the same with someone outside the relationship against the two of you. That is pretty much what ended up happening right? Yes it was in the form of lies and cheating, but the same dynamic is there. You might get some insight to Lana's motives by asking what motivated Violet to do so with Lana against Adrianne.
And yes, in the end you may have to decide that being with Violet means being only with Violet or that if you want to be poly, you can't be so with Violet.
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