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  #31  
Old 01-08-2012, 05:56 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by KindaPOd View Post
You think that I'm bitter and angry. You also think that I have a huge chip on my shoulder when it comes to my wife and her relationship with her bf.

My guess is that you also think I'm an asshole. But that's just a guess.
Ah well, you have me all wrong. I'm not that rigid. And you're a stranger to me, anonymous name on a message board, so I have no reason to think you're an asshole, nor to attach any meaning to our interactions here. I just toss out my initial impressions, which can always change. I said that you seem proud, stubborn, and hurting -- possibly hurt more than anything, but I don't know. I said you have expressed some anger and bitterness -- that is not the same as saying you are an angry and bitter person. I did say you seemed hurt and carrying unconscious resentments, as many people do, including myself. As far as a chip on your shoulder, I'm not sure.

I think the whole situation with your wife and your opinion of your marriage as being "in the crapper" has you very disappointed. That's all. So when you say you don't care what she does, it's hard for me to swallow, because you seem very affected and/or perplexed by it. I thought that since things bother you about it, there was some concern. But I could be totally wrong.

I wonder: Why do you stay married to her?

As far as her bf and his treatment of his wife, it sounds like a 24/7 kind of agreement they have. Humiliation is really weird to me and I don't understand the appeal, as I like to feel respected and empowered when I am sexual with someone, and I'm not into D/s, so I defer to the experienced D/sers here.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-08-2012 at 05:59 PM.
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  #32  
Old 01-08-2012, 07:38 PM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
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So when you say you don't care what she does, it's hard for me to swallow, because you seem very affected and/or perplexed by it.
I was more interested in the potentially abused woman. But now I think that I'm a dumbass that overreacted. It would've been a lot more convenient if bf's wife had been honest.

Quote:
I wonder: Why do you stay married to her?
I stayed married to her because I loved her.

I stay married to her because we can't afford a divorce.

For all intents and purposes, we are married in name only. This is why I don't believe that I care about my wife's relationships. I don't have much of a relationship with my wife.

Your assessment of my psyche is fairly accurate. Just a few years behind. Replace "disappointment" with "regret" and you're on the money.

Last edited by KindaPOd; 01-08-2012 at 07:43 PM.
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  #33  
Old 01-08-2012, 07:47 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by KindaPOd View Post
Yes, you misunderstood.
Cool, my apologies for the wrong assumption.
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  #34  
Old 01-08-2012, 07:58 PM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
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Cool, my apologies for the wrong assumption.
I could've worded it better.

Anyway, I'm going to have a talk with my wife about this situation.
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  #35  
Old 01-08-2012, 08:03 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by KindaPOd View Post
I could've worded it better.

Anyway, I'm going to have a talk with my wife about this situation.
No, if I'd gone back and re-read the full post from HMA that you were quoting I would have gotten it. But enough of the apology-fest!

Talking with your wife definitely makes sense.
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  #36  
Old 01-08-2012, 08:07 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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This is a bit off topic but - really staying married because you can't afford to get a divorce isn't the best reason to stay married - if you do want one so you're unentangled legally, and can cooperate on the details (and live in the US) legalzoom.com has raised their prices to $299, but I used them some years back when I got a divorce. It was relatively simple and straightforward.

No reason you can't divorce but stay living together for financial reasons and still raise your child together. Maybe that gives you a chance to think about if you mean it when you suggest that money is the only thing keeping you married. Maybe that gives you a chance to decide if it would be healthier for you and your wife to make it more clear about what place you both hold in each others lives.

OK, end of ad for a relatively cheap divorce service option.
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  #37  
Old 01-09-2012, 07:52 AM
Sonic Sonic is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post

OR you could directly tell her husband that you are uncomfortable with some of the public behaviors and talk to him about them. Maybe nobody has been brave enough to broach the subject, and if itís consensual humiliation, after realizing he is offending heíll go back to keeping it in private.
This is an important point in my book.

For the record, I do live in a D/s relationship but I'm a very private person. I get very uncomfortable when people show stuff about their sex lives in public to non-consenting third parties.

In D/s verbal abuse etc. can be defined as sex (at least for me it can) and so the people are actually having sex in front of others.

To me, consent is the most important factor in all relationships, and therefore not considering other people's feelings when engaging in sexual behavior in front of them is just plain rude.

So here is something I would definitely address (if I had to be in continuous contact with these people) even if the woman is fine with the abusive looking stuff.
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  #38  
Old 01-10-2012, 12:51 AM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KindaPOd View Post
I was more interested in the potentially abused woman. But now I think that I'm a dumbass that overreacted.
Back up a sec, mate. Where'd your inner boy scout go? If you have a sincere concern that the lady is being emotionally abused....

I have to admit, from your posts alone, I don't think I'd much like you as a person. That's okay though; I doubt you'd much like me, either. But you won some serious "like" points from me when you had resolved to speak up about what you saw not sitting right with you. Don't back out from that!

Not every person in an abusive relationship is or reacts the same. But it's not uncommon for the abused person to not see or recognize that they're abused. The societal tendancy for people NOT to speak up can contribute to the proverbial wool over the abused's eyes. Think of it: You're mistreated, manipulated, and hurt, and you've been confused and convinced that your abuser's actions are a-ok. Heck, even the people closest to you see it happen every day, and THEY never said anything, so it MUST be okay, right? Gotta put up with the abuse, because it's normal anyway....

Sometimes, just one person speaking up can make all the difference in the world. Even if the abused person refuses to see it right now (or sees it and for whatever reason remains in the situation), at least one person has validated his/her experience. You might not get results by talking to her, but at least you won't be just one more person who never said anything.

On the other hand, you're under no obligation to speak up. Any abuse perpetrated against her is solely the fault of the abuser, whether or not anyone speaks up. There is no onus on you to do something or say something. But if she IS in a bad situation., even if she doesn't "hear" you now, one day she might thank you....

If you DO speak up and there's really no abuse, at worst, you look like a caring dumbass and potentially hurt some pride. In MY book, that's not as weighty as the alternative.
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  #39  
Old 01-10-2012, 01:10 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by ViableAlternative View Post
If you DO speak up and there's really no abuse, at worst, you look like a caring dumbass and potentially hurt some pride. In MY book, that's not as weighty as the alternative.
Exactly.
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  #40  
Old 01-10-2012, 03:14 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I won't pretend to get it; wanting to be made to feel inferior to a newer partner inside a primary relationship. Though it is also a dynamic I'm aware some people are into.
Witnessing it could be troubling to the point of not only garnering concern for the person being treated inferior, but also I suspect because it is a concern I think many people coming from a mono relationship to a poly one have. "What if my partner ends up liking someone new better?"

Or in other words:

What if my primary partner wants me to be secondary to an outside partner? Such as in your other thread........

Unless your wife's primary relationship involved physical abuse, how is it really much different than what you and your wife are dealing with? Just that it involves more kink?
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