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  #21  
Old 01-08-2012, 03:00 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I would talk to her if I were you, KP. If you're wrong and everything is healthy, well, no harm done, but if you're right then maybe you could really help her. Just take her out for coffee and lay out your concerns in the most respectful way you can.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #22  
Old 01-08-2012, 04:36 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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So I'm going to take a hypothetical situation with you and your wife as the co-stars!
Bob is a member of your social group. He senses that mrspod is not happy. He knows that your marriage isn't at the top of its game. He even has seen you with your secondary partner, and sees how much kinder and more loving you are to them. When he watches you and mrspod interact he senses tension.. From an outsider POV, Bob considers there is something off about your relationship.

He hears that you've been posting on a forum where you comment that mrspod is lazy, that you don't trust her, that you're apathetic about your relationship, that you're emotionally neglecting her. Now Bob is a counselor, and he's seen emotional abuse before. He is uncomfortable with the way you treat her, he doesn't think a healthy relationship should be like that, heís probably right.

Bob asks mrspod about your relationship. She doesn't directly answer his more pointed personal questions. She has stated to him that even though he doesn't see what she gets out of the relationship, it gives her X, Y and Z. He even asked mrspod's boyfriend about it. Her boyfriend thinks your dynamic is not ideal, but he didnít bring up any concerns about it being abuse and thinks Bob shouldnít pry any deeper than he has.

Nevertheless he feels mrspod is suffering from your actions. Even though she has shown no desire to discuss her marriage or confide in him, he feels that it may be more subtle than some cases, but that you are emotionally abusing her and he wants to help.


So what should Bob do?


The difference here is that you say she has volunteered that she GETS to feel inferior, gets off on the humiliation. If your wife actually has had sex in front of her, and didnít feel that anything there was off enough that she was concerned, I would guess no matter how squicky their dynamic is to you, she has chosen and even wants it.

So sure, tell her that you are concerned that she is being treated badly or whatever it is you want to tell her, say you are there if she ever wants to talk, and leave it at that.

OR you could directly tell her husband that you are uncomfortable with some of the public behaviors and talk to him about them. Maybe nobody has been brave enough to broach the subject, and if itís consensual humiliation, after realizing he is offending heíll go back to keeping it in private.
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  #23  
Old 01-08-2012, 04:52 PM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
I don't necessarily think it's healthy
It's about as healthy as any other abusive relationship. Probably less healthy since the person being abused has less inclination to seek help. I guess it can be a bit more "grey" since it floats their boat. Then again, boat floating can involve some cruel and destructive stuff. I'm thinking of the Armin Meiwes case specifically.

Probably isn't the thread for a complex moral and ethical discussion on the extremes of human sexuality.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I would talk to her if I were you, KP. If you're wrong and everything is healthy, well, no harm done, but if you're right then maybe you could really help her. Just take her out for coffee and lay out your concerns in the most respectful way you can.
Good idea. That's what I'm thinking.

Maybe one of his rules is that they can't talk about it? Not the smartest rule to have but it's possible.
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  #24  
Old 01-08-2012, 05:00 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I agree with Anneintherain about this. Runic Wolf and I have this playful bickering that we laugh about and for the heck of it will start arguing randomly in the checkout aisle of stores, but a friend approached us because she thought that we were seriously fighting and that something was wrong in our relationship because she didn't get our dynamic. She saw us all sweet and romantic at a wedding in Sept and asked for more of that when she is around, so we are now trying to make sure that we at least are considerate of her feelings.
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  #25  
Old 01-08-2012, 05:06 PM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
So I'm going to take a hypothetical situation with you and your wife as the co-stars!
Bob is a member of your social group. He senses that mrspod is not happy. He knows that your marriage isn't at the top of its game. He even has seen you with your secondary partner, and sees how much kinder and more loving you are to them. When he watches you and mrspod interact he senses tension.. From an outsider POV, Bob considers there is something off about your relationship.

He hears that you've been posting on a forum where you comment that mrspod is lazy, that you don't trust her, that you're apathetic about your relationship, that you're emotionally neglecting her. Now Bob is a counselor, and he's seen emotional abuse before. He is uncomfortable with the way you treat her, he doesn't think a healthy relationship should be like that, he’s probably right.

Bob asks mrspod about your relationship. She doesn't directly answer his more pointed personal questions. She has stated to him that even though he doesn't see what she gets out of the relationship, it gives her X, Y and Z. He even asked mrspod's boyfriend about it. Her boyfriend thinks your dynamic is not ideal, but he didn’t bring up any concerns about it being abuse and thinks Bob shouldn’t pry any deeper than he has.

Nevertheless he feels mrspod is suffering from your actions. Even though she has shown no desire to discuss her marriage or confide in him, he feels that it may be more subtle than some cases, but that you are emotionally abusing her and he wants to help.


So what should Bob do?


The difference here is that you say she has volunteered that she GETS to feel inferior, gets off on the humiliation. If your wife actually has had sex in front of her, and didn’t feel that anything there was off enough that she was concerned, I would guess no matter how squicky their dynamic is to you, she has chosen and even wants it.

So sure, tell her that you are concerned that she is being treated badly or whatever it is you want to tell her, say you are there if she ever wants to talk, and leave it at that.

OR you could directly tell her husband that you are uncomfortable with some of the public behaviors and talk to him about them. Maybe nobody has been brave enough to broach the subject, and if it’s consensual humiliation, after realizing he is offending he’ll go back to keeping it in private.
Oh, I see what you did there.

You're probably right.

Maybe I'm just too old fashioned. Maybe I should just wash my hands of all of them. And vice versa.

Last edited by KindaPOd; 01-08-2012 at 05:15 PM.
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  #26  
Old 01-08-2012, 05:14 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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If his behavior makes you feel uncomfortable, talk to him. If the wife enjoys it, she isn't likely to want to discuss it or think that anything needs to change. You would be better off telling him that it makes you uncomfortable to see him treat a woman that way and want to make sure that it is only something he does with his wife and her request/ per their agreement.
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  #27  
Old 01-08-2012, 05:16 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I would also add that some people are emotional masochists. There isn't anything inherently wrong with that, as long as they are aware of it and you respect that it is part of who they are.
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  #28  
Old 01-08-2012, 05:21 PM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
If his behavior makes you feel uncomfortable, talk to him. If the wife enjoys it, she isn't likely to want to discuss it or think that anything needs to change. You would be better off telling him that it makes you uncomfortable to see him treat a woman that way and want to make sure that it is only something he does with his wife and her request/ per their agreement.
If what you and anne are suggesting is true than it's not really a problem.

Only reason I started spending more time with them was because I was worried about the wife's welfare.

Probably just cut them off.
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  #29  
Old 01-08-2012, 05:22 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KindaPOd View Post
It's about as healthy as any other abusive relationship.
Wow, no. If it really is consensual D/s that's safe and sane, it can actually be very healthy and fruitful for all involved. I know you said this may not be the place for a debate on this, but it's one thing to be concerned that a D/s relationship is masking dysfunction and another to conflate any D/s with dysfunction, which is what it sounded to me like you were doing here (did I misunderstand?).

Consciously choosing a dynamic that you both enjoy and that makes you a happier and more fulfilled you is worlds away from one person abusing another. Is that something that makes any sense to you? If not are you really the best person to try to help this woman or will you just be seeing her relationship as abuse no matter what, which will probably put her on the defensive and keep her from hearing any good points you might make?
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #30  
Old 01-08-2012, 05:25 PM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
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Quote:
If it really is consensual D/s that's safe and sane
It's not the d/s part that I question in their relationship. It's the safe and sane part.

Yes, you misunderstood.
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