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  #1  
Old 01-07-2012, 06:10 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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Question Our first open discussion on going poly...

I talked to my fiance just moments ago and told him that on my road to self discovery, it would help if he found a girlfriend.

He wasn't comfortable with the idea, but was willing to give it a try. Questions and Answers later, he found himself at the, "at some point, are you going to want to 'connect' with someone too?" and then shut the whole thing down because the thought of me with another man sickens him. I told him that would be a non-issue for now, and we would go at his pace and just start with him having other relationships.

We're going to talk later, and I don't know if it will be the beginning of a new experience, a standstill, or the end of our relationship. I'm not trying to push him into letting me do anything. At this point, I want him to understand my feelings towards monogamy and maybe experience polygamy for himself so he can see that when falling in love, it doesn't have to be limited to two people.

In the meantime, I'll consider becoming bisexual because he's not threatened by anyone without a penis. I don't dislike women, I'm just afraid of vaginas.. I wouldn't know what to do if faced with one (Pun Intended!)

Any advice on how the follow-up conversation should go? No, he won't read any books or articles. He'd prefer I just talk to him and he'll just.... who knows....

-Kat
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  #2  
Old 01-07-2012, 06:41 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Well, first of all, don't "become bisexual" for him. Think about how another woman would feel if you were going down on her not because you wanted to but because you were appeasing him. She would feel like shit, and like a disposable toy. So, don't even go there. It's the most illogical, immature, disrespectful thing anyone could do and I can't even fathom why you'd consider it. Geez.

As far as your next conversation, I would lay it all out. That eventually you want another lover, and you want him to know that for you love "doesn't have to be limited to two people."

See, all you can do is tell a partner what you want and let them decide if they can live with it. If yes, then you negotiate how to make that comfortable, and what incremental boundaries get established, which later get renegotiated until everyone has what they want. No one should be giving each other ultimatums.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-07-2012 at 07:08 PM.
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  #3  
Old 01-07-2012, 07:06 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I may be lost, but I'm horribly confused by a few things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
I talked to my fiance just moments ago and told him that on my road to self discovery, it would help if he found a girlfriend.
I'm unsure how someone else having more or less or different partners has ANYTHING to do with your own self discovery. For me, self discovery of being bi of being poly did involve major discussions with my spouse and affected our marriage, but it was about me. About what I wanted. More people in my life. I'm just lost how you would get help in 'self discovery' by someone else getting a date.

Quote:
He wasn't comfortable with the idea, but was willing to give it a try. Questions and Answers later, he found himself at the, "at some point, are you going to want to 'connect' with someone too?" and then shut the whole thing down because the thought of me with another man sickens him. I told him that would be a non-issue for now, and we would go at his pace and just start with him having other relationships.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I spent WAAY too much time on certain poly/mono like lists where people were not really ethical but claiming to be. This seems to look like a case of "Honey you become poly first so you can enjoy it then I can tell you I want to date other people and now you can't be upset 'cause I let you date other people!" If the point is that YOU want to be poly then you work on that. Not making someone else poly first. It's not a science kit, it's a relationship.

Quote:
We're going to talk later, and I don't know if it will be the beginning of a new experience, a standstill, or the end of our relationship. I'm not trying to push him into letting me do anything. At this point, I want him to understand my feelings towards monogamy and maybe experience polygamy for himself so he can see that when falling in love, it doesn't have to be limited to two people.
See above. My husband and my boyfriend are both mono. They understand falling in love not being just two people because they are both in love with me and I am in love with both of them. I have told them they are of course welcome to have other relationships (sticking to the open communication and honesty thing we worked hard at), even that I'd kind of find it hot, but it's not required and I don't ask them to.

Quote:
In the meantime, I'll consider becoming bisexual because he's not threatened by anyone without a penis. I don't dislike women, I'm just afraid of vaginas.. I wouldn't know what to do if faced with one (Pun Intended!)
*blink*

I don't get this thing where women think they can 'become' bisexual. If you're curious fine, but it's not something you do like a party trick! Some people just know they are bi, or pan or whatever you call yourself. Some of us struggle with it. It's kind of off putting, personally, to hear someone say they are just going to try and become it for someone else. It's like saying you are going to decide to 'try' and become another race or something. If it's something you want to explore, say you are bi curious, but dont' say you are going to 'become' bi because of a OPP. That's heartbreak for someone just waiting to happen.

I would be DEVASTATED to begin dating a woman and find out she's not bi, not even bi curious, but just doing it for a boyfriend.

Quote:
Any advice on how the follow-up conversation should go? No, he won't read any books or articles. He'd prefer I just talk to him and he'll just.... who knows....

-Kat
Yes, tell him YOU are interested in becoming poly. Not him. That you aren't interested in women, you are interested in relationships with other men. Tell him that it's not a pressing need but one of those things where you just want the freedom to be able to pursue a deeper connection with someone should it come up. Offer to read Opening Up or other wonderful books that have been suggested TO him. It can be in a relaxed setting. I like doing it in bed together where we are relaxed and can discuss things as they are read.

DON'T, try and make him poly so you can be. DON'T try to change your sexuality so you can make him comfortable with you being with someone else that you don't even want to be with on a personal level just to fill this need for more people in your life. Both are ranging from slightly to definitely manipulative and a bad start to trying to be ethically non monogamous.
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  #4  
Old 01-07-2012, 07:22 PM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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Quote:
No, he won't read any books or articles.
It's a small point, but this is a bit worrisome. When Wife first brought it up, I tried to read everything I could find in order to understand. Sometimes it took a couple of different versions before something made sense. Blatant refusal to even try to educate himself about the subject seems worrisome.
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  #5  
Old 01-07-2012, 08:04 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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Yes, I should have definitely used the words "explore my bicurious thoughts" and not "become bisexual". Forgive me. I would never just play with someone just for the sake of playing or proving a point, but I would be honest with someone every step of the way, as taking on a lady love would be new to me and I would require guidance and respect just the same. I've crushed on girls, I've kissed girls, but I have never been sexually involved.

I am, however, willing to explore other relationsips outside of my normal comfort zone (men) in order to respect his boundaries while at the same time fulfilling my need to explore having multiple connections.

As far as him dating someone and how that helps me, I need him to see first hand that he can feel something for another woman and still love me the same. He doesn't have to limit himself or deny himself connections with other people for the sake of not hurting me. If thier relationship works out, then good. If not, then he can leave himself open to the option of trying again with someone else or just being satisfied with me, but at least he will see that none of it comes from a place of bad intentions. I know it may not make sense to try to turn him poly so he can understand me, but I just feel like if he sees that loving someone else doesn't make him want to leave me because our love is strong, then he'll understand. And I really just want his non-judgemental understanding.

I don't have an end game in this whole situation. I just want the freedom to feel whatever I feel for whomever I feel it for without him thinking that it's either him or the other guy. I may not only have eyes for him, but he is the most important man in the picture.
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Old 01-07-2012, 08:56 PM
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Gah, feeling a bit triggered here. I had lots of swinger sex with women who were not bisexual and doing it for the men. BLAH! So not okay, discusting to me actually.... This is why I am not into swinging anymore... among other reasons. I don't ever want to find myself in a situation where I have to "figure out" if someone is really bi or not. I don't want to be experiamented on thanks. It makes me feel dirty, cheap and undesirable. Its totally fake fun. *burrrr... shiver down my back. Backing way up on even thinking of all that.

Ya, I would be making buddy wait a REALLY long time if he is not interested in doing some learning and educating himself on this stuff. It shows great laziness and apathy to me. I would feel very uncomfortably disrespected as a result. What, your relationship is not worth working on?
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Old 01-07-2012, 09:34 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Vixtoria said exactly what I wanted to say, only much better than I would have been able to put it.
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  #8  
Old 01-07-2012, 10:10 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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I would never be with a girl to turn my guy on. That would make me feel equally disgusting. I'm simply saying, I would enter into a relationship with someone that he wouldn't be intimidated by. It would be something new for me but not something I've ever been against. I've never done it before because we are in a monogamous relationship and I wouldn't lay with a girl just so he could get his rocks off. Please don't misunderstand me. I would never lay with anyone who I was not emotionally connected with. I don't play the "boys will think I'm hot if I dance on this girl" game. That's not who I am.
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  #9  
Old 01-07-2012, 11:16 PM
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Here's where we come to a cross roads.

1) him understanding he's poly is NOT the way to get him to understand YOU are poly. That is like saying for you to feel comfortable being a woman and comfortable with your sexuality as a woman, he needs to be a woman. If he doesn't want to try being poly, then getting him to understand it through practice is not an option.

2) "I'm just afraid of vaginas.. I wouldn't know what to do if faced with one" Then you aren't bi curious. If the idea of a woman's genitalia scares you, then you have your answer. It took me forever to realize that I wanted women not because society crams their beauty and erotic images of them selling EVERYTHING down my throat but because I physically wanted every part of them as well. I've seen a woman who was bi curious before. Seeing a woman who says she's exploring but afraid of vaginas? Out of the question.


Certainly you can find ways to justify things in your own mind, and that's fine for you. However, people here are trying to help and let you see how things look outside of that justification. Trying to get your partner to understand what you want by living what you want won't work. To be perfectly frank, he doesn't NEED to understand. Trust me, after 20 years there are things hubby and I just DON"T understand about each other. But we accept them. That's what's important.
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  #10  
Old 01-07-2012, 11:20 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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I see what I'm doing now... I can't run seeking a relationship with a woman when 98% of me is fixed on men. It's not fair to me or her to embrace this 2% because it's the only thing my current relationship will allow. And I can't talk him into polyamory so he'll understand me better because he's just not into such a lifestyle. I'm so stupid/desperate.

So, I either sacrifice myself and live monogamously or I end up with nothing.
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