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Old 01-06-2012, 04:45 AM
DLrocket89 DLrocket89 is offline
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Default Mono husband with a poly wife

Hi everyone,

...I'm the husband, for reference

My wife and I have been married coming up on 3 years now. We got married when I was 23, she 20. We have a 2 year old daughter now. Life has been intense in the last few years (suicide in the family, 2 miscarraiges, and another pregnancy that we had to terminate or my wife would die). Those things have drawn us closer as a couple, from an emotionally bonded side.

Over the last couple of years my wife has gotten to know another woman on an online forum - the other woman is a dula and helped my wife through both miscarraiges and the other pregnancy that didn't go well. I'm forever indebited to her for that. So, when my wife came to me about 6 months ago and said that she wanted to start into a poly relationship with her friend, my answer was "what's poly"? We talked it over, and because I was comfortable with this person and felt a fairly close bond to her myself, I said OK, go for it. Still didn't really know what it meant, but willing to learn...and the way I figure it, the more love there is in the world, the better life is. And, being new to poly, I'm looking for those feelings in myself and am maybe finding them (I grew up Catholic, so I have a hard shell to break out of).

So, my wife asked me if it was OK with me if she were to date another guy. I said I wasn't really comfortable with it and to give me time. She went to a friend's wedding (I wasn't there) and she admitted that she was making out with a guy. He was "handsy" and wanted more but she wouldn't let him. The guy now wants to come visit (he lives half a continent away, so he'd be flying). My wife talked me through it and convinced me to be OK with it. Now that I'm taking still more time to think about it, I'm less and less comfortable with it.

The two relationships (the girl and the guy) are polar opposites - with the girl, she was totally up front, we talked on the phone about it, made sure we were all OK, and she's a good friend of mine now too. The guy doesn't want to talk to me (that I know of), I had to friend him on Facebook to try to learn more about and open a line of communication, and my wife finds it weird that I'd want to get to know him.

So...I guess what I'm looking for is commentary on the way the two relationships are being handled. I want to support my wife in any way I can, I don't want her to have to hide who she is...but at the same time, I'm hurt with the way it's being handled with the guy, and it feels to me like it's not polyamory with him, but that my wife just wants to sleep with a different guy for the weekend.

...I'm just confused. Oh, and I started a new job that's about 60 hours a week of work plus 80% travel, so I'm pretty brain fried right now. Hard to be coherant. I love my wife and want to support her, but I just don't know what to say about this. Thanks in advance anyone.
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Old 01-06-2012, 06:24 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Posts: 2,285

Some random guy she met at a wedding should not be worth making you this uncomfortable. She should be grateful to you for doing the emotional work to make poly possible period (it's HARD being a mono in a mono/poly relationship!), not pushing you faster than you're ready to go for the sake of a random hookup!

It would be one thing if she had emotional feelings for him, but she just met the dude. The fact that she crossed a boundary with him would say to me that maybe this is NOT the best person to help you get more comfortable with the idea of her being with other men. He already has a strike against him in your mind. If she really wants to take your relationship to a place where liaisons with other men can be ok, and you're willing to work on being open to that, it shouldn't necessarily have to be this particular guy.

And yes, it's perfectly normal and healthy for you to want to get to know him. How can you feel safe about him if he's kept away from you like a secret? Ideally, he would meet you first and shake your hand, you guys could chat, and maybe you'd walk away feeling much better about the whole thing. If this is to succeed in the long run your ability to feel comfortable and secure is paramount, and if that means baby steps at first, or asking her not to pursue a hookup with this particular guy, or boundaries about needing to meet a guy before giving the green light, or more time, or whatever those are all very reasonable requests.

If you haven't seen this site before, you may find it helpful as you continue this journey: www.morethantwo.com

Best of luck!
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 01-06-2012 at 06:26 AM.
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Old 01-06-2012, 07:08 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Have you pointed out to her (in a factual way, not accusatory) the differences in the way she's handled these two potential relationships?

It might be beneficial for you both to find out why she treated one differently than the other. I'm poly and my husband is mono, and I know for myself the social conditioning of expecting men to be jealous of other men but thinking two women is "hot" was difficult to throw off in the beginning. It was much easier for me to talk to my husband about my liaisons with women rather than with men back in our earlier days, and it had nothing to do with him. Or it may have nothing to do with gender and be due to one starting as an emotional relationship while the other started as a physical, or something else entirely. I would bet, though, that getting to the root of why she handled it so differently could help you decide how you want to handle it, and it might even help both of you clarify what you want out of your relationship(s).
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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Old 01-06-2012, 07:17 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I'm completely new to all this, and so are my two men. My current bf just said to me tonight, 'it's not like you're want to go off and fuck some random guy.' Because the other guy is a guy we have both known and loved for years. That is a lot different, but I think it speaks to the not-weirdness of wanting to know the other guy. He'd be much more upset if I was making out with strangers at weddings.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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Old 01-06-2012, 05:31 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
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Originally Posted by DLrocket89 View Post

The guy doesn't want to talk to me (that I know of), I had to friend him on Facebook to try to learn more about and open a line of communication, and my wife finds it weird that I'd want to get to know him.

This seems very strange to me, and unsettling. Have you talked to your wife about the reasons this bothers you? Did you all ever talk about the possibility of random hookups and whether this would be okay? For me, I don't want random hookups, but my husband might like to have that. We talked about this, and as long as we're both safe, it's okay. Have you had that conversation?
Bisexual, Hinge of a Vee with a mono boyfriend and poly husband.
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Old 01-06-2012, 05:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I question whether your wife really knows what polyamory is.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 01-06-2012, 05:58 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Posts: 1,521

When you agreed to allow her to explore the relationship with the women was dating guys discussed. And alternatively you dating others as well?

Did the 2 of you come here and read up prior to making your decision?

Does your wife know about this thread ...and have a username?

How long after did this wedding incident occur?

If your not comfortable and growing more so I'd tell her that and I'd suggest cancelling until you feel more comfortable....why bend something til it breaks...nothing good will come.

Last edited by dingedheart; 01-06-2012 at 10:46 PM. Reason: remove freudian slip
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