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Old 01-06-2012, 02:30 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Polyamory is not for everyone. And in any case, should not be considered under the current circumstances when you are still actively grieving the loss of your child.

As for your husband, while I can't defend his actions, I can see how this woman sucked him in. Grief is an emotion that people would do almost anything to have lessened. I'm sure that when he thought about her, it decreased his thoughts about the grief somewhat. This is something that she could do that you could not, because as you said, you both shared that loss. When he talks to you about his own grief, there is no relief because you are grieving too. However, this woman took advantage of that, and that is truly horrible.

I think when he began confiding in her, his intentions were purely innocent. Someone to talk to with an outside perspective. In most cases it would not have even been an issue and may have helped him, which would have helped you both. Unfortunately, the woman turned out to be a greedy whack job.
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Old 01-06-2012, 03:09 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I am so sorry about your loss, and especially that you and your husband are being preyed upon by a lunatic at this time of grief.

He's not in love with her, he's grieving and confused. I hope you can meet with your bereavement counselor soon and bring this situation up, so the counselor can see how twisted up inside your husband is to have fallen for this predator's bullshit! I really am in shock that any person had the nerve to do this to you, which would be bizarre at anytime but especially when you are dealing with such loss. Makes me wonder what her ulterior motive is - she sounds like a con artist.

Good for you for standing up for yourself and telling him what you will and will not accept.

Can you get something like a restraining order to keep her away from you and your family? Do they have things like that where you are? Seriously, I find her actions alarming! Gimme her address, I'll get on a plane from NYC and go beat up the bitch. Grrr.

Really, her behavior is indicative of some kind of mental imbalance and makes my blood boil to read it. She says anything else to you, remind her that one of the basic "rules" of polyamory of consent of all parties involved. Have you shown this thread to your husband?
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-06-2012 at 03:12 PM.
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Old 01-06-2012, 07:08 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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I'm glad that although you shy with other people that you aren't with your husband and were able to articulate quite well it seems how you feel and what you want. I hope he comes to see in time that the other woman was not being caring at all.

Nope, no reason to make an effort to be poly if you're not, I am glad you're clear on your boundaries and not interested in being talked into doing something you aren't interested in. Good luck!
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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Old 01-07-2012, 07:22 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I dunno, what if he is in love with her? Really he wouldn't know until he is through his grief. I would be request working on that first rather than threatening to leave.

I think if I were in your situation I would request (no one can 'make' him) that he not see this woman for, say, a year. I would ask that the two of you work together to get through your grief without any out side "help" other than therapists and counselors. I would ask that he do his own work on his relationship orientation. After the year, I would ask him to revisit his feelings and let you know where he is at. If he is still grieving as much then he needs more time, if he still "loves" her then its time to look at where your relationship is going in the future.

You had a child together, you lost that child together, its time to grieve together. I'd be pulling his chin around, looking him in the eye, telling him I love him and that we need to do this together and then holding him and reminding him of what you lost together. He has a responsibility to that. He's lost his way here and needs a reality check. That's all that matters here, she doesn't. It seems to me that dealing with your grief is where you should both be looking. Not at poly! She can wait. He can politely tell her that by saying he has to do some work with her now. "Catch you when that's done," kind of thing.

Sorry for your loss by the way. How horrible to lose a child. I can't image how horrible that would be. Be strong for all of you right now. It sounds like he needs you to be so he can pull it together. The mans lost I think.
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