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Old 10-15-2017, 08:17 PM
PolyJedi PolyJedi is offline
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Default Thoughts on how best to proceed?

Greetings!

I'm certainly new to all of this, but the more I explore polyamory the more I feel it syncs with me. I've considered myself open to polyamory for the past couple of years.

Issue is, I've tried to discuss this with my wife but when the conversation becomes serious she becomes upset more often than not, and very hurt. As far as I understand from her, she feels like polyamory is sex-driven (even after watching documentaries and such with her about the topic) and that I don't want to honor my marriage vows to her. I've tried to explain that this desire for me stems from wanting to connect to more than one woman. As much as I love her, every person is different and I've become increasingly aware of my desire to connect with others along with my wife.

The only sort of interest that stems from her for opening our marriage is her having a boyfriend, but me not having a girlfriend. I'm certainly open to her having another relationship for sure, but not when a double standard is in effect in which I cannot pursue an additional relationship.

Because of her getting angry and upset, I tend to not bring it up anymore. So much so that I feel forced to back-peddle and stress that I simply was, "open to the conversation of polyamory," and that I don't want to actively pursue it. I know it's a lie, but I want to keep the peace. I have zero interest in pursuing anything behind her back. I want to love others for sure, but not without her consent and not at the expense of losing her and ruining my relationship with her and potentially our children.

I guess I just don't know how to proceed. I suppose I'm just mostly curious if anyone else has experienced this and have worked through this with their spouse. Not necessarily a means to convince her, but I just don't know how to convey to her how my heart feels without it inadvertently hurting her.

I feel like I don't make sense when I talk about this, so my apologies for my rambling and venting. Thanks for taking the time to read!
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Old 10-15-2017, 08:34 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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You are making perfect sense. You feel like you could be polyamorous, but your wife is monogamous.

The thing about her only being okay with poly is if she is the only one doing it is just a manipulation technique.

You really only have two choices at this point. Stay and forget about poly or leave and find someone more compatible. It doesn't sound like she is on board even a little. Some mono people freak out if it is even brought up and will never be the same. It's like you can't unring that bell.
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Old 10-15-2017, 08:43 PM
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Hi PolyJedi,

I sympathize with your situation, it's unfortunate that you have to lie in order to keep the peace. I am thinking that your wife is never going to be okay with poly, but it's possible that she'll ease up about it after quite awhile, perhaps after a year. I would say bring it up once in awhile, perhaps once a month, but give her about three months first to simmer down. In the meantime, keep reading and posting on this forum, you need a place to vent and get feedback and advice. I hope things get easier for you, I do sympathize.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 10-15-2017, 09:16 PM
PolyJedi PolyJedi is offline
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I appreciate the feedback! I suppose time will tell after the idea has sunk in more for her.
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Old 10-16-2017, 02:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyJedi View Post
The only sort of interest that stems from her for opening our marriage is her having a boyfriend, but me not having a girlfriend.
Please elaborate. So, she'd potentially be interested in polyamory, so long as she was the only one...?
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Old 10-16-2017, 04:50 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you struggle.

Quote:
As far as I understand from her, she feels like polyamory is sex-driven (even after watching documentaries and such with her about the topic)....
Well, she can think what she wants to think.

Quote:
...and that I don't want to honor my marriage vows to her.
She is not wrong. You were bringing up changing the vows to something else. Which means you don't want to honor the old ones as currently written.

Quote:
Because of her getting angry and upset, I tend to not bring it up anymore. So much so that I feel forced to back-peddle and stress that I simply was, "open to the conversation of polyamory," and that I don't want to actively pursue it. I know it's a lie, but I want to keep the peace.
Don't lie. No talking is just no talking. It's not actual peace. The problem is still there. Elephant in the room. Taking a break to regroup is one thing. Resolving to never speak again about it is... foolishness. You are not taking good care of you that way. Choosing to gunnysack or "swallow" stuff. And you aren't really helping to take care of her either. Letting her believe something that is actually a lie. Not being kind to either party really.

Are you dropping it because you are conflict avoidant? Or because you have decided to see if you can give up the want to practice poly? If the latter, fair enough. Perhaps you can let that want go in time.

Perhaps there is another option. She "Opens" enough to hear about your poly thoughts and feelings so you aren't bottling stuff up and it is open enough for you. You stay "Closed" in a (just you and her) marriage so it is closed enough for her. If that is possible, perhaps that is the middle path for you guys in this situation.

Or... over time this "being silent to keep the peace" will start to pinch. Maybe you pop one day from holding it in. Or maybe you find you actually don't want to give up the want to poly. If so? You may have to part ways so you can be free TO poly date like you want, and she can be free FROM anything poly like she wants.

Could allow the relationship shape to change to good exes and good coparents. So you can remain in right relationship, but each one can be free. You are free TO and she is free FROM.

Quote:
I guess I just don't know how to proceed. I suppose I'm just mostly curious if anyone else has experienced this and have worked through this with their spouse. Not necessarily a means to convince her, but I just don't know how to convey to her how my heart feels without it inadvertently hurting her.
I've not experienced this with my spouse. He's willing to hear whatever is on my mind or what my heart feels without wigging out. That's one of the reasons I married him! He's not easily shaken up by things in Life.

I did have something like this with an exBF. He did NOT want to know all of me, authentic me. Hearing about that stuff made him VERY uncomfortable. He only wanted to love the sanitized picture of me he had in his head. He was not interested in updating that picture to be ACCURATE me. He could not deal with the bi thing the poly thing the politics thing... They freaked him out and he would act out in ways to just make the conversation STOP. So I would stop talking because I'm not a mean person. Why continue to upset an upset person?

But I wasn't being silent to "keep the peace" and keep going with him. Not talking about aspects of myself around him made me feel like I was shrinking myself. I was being silent to assess my options. And I decided I had to break up with him. We clearly were not compatible. And it was no good to either of us to keep going like that.

I wonder if that's part where you are. Maybe disappointed to learn that your spouse doesn't really want to know ALL of you, about your inner life, your inner thoughts, inner feelings? This is your nearest and dearest who is supposed to love you, all of you. And then you come to find that actually... not so much? Is that it?

Or perhaps growing apart over time. Like you USED to be compatible but over the years you've changed as people and now you want different things from Life. And dealing with that disappointment? Is that it?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-16-2017 at 05:07 AM.
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Old 10-17-2017, 01:25 AM
PolyJedi PolyJedi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I wonder if that's part where you are. Maybe disappointed to learn that your spouse doesn't really want to know ALL of you, about your inner life, your inner thoughts, inner feelings? This is your nearest and dearest who is supposed to love you, all of you. And then you come to find that actually... not so much? Is that it?
This resonates a lot for me. I hate not being able to be completely open and honest about these feelings with her.

I don't think my desire to love others in addition to my wife will go away. I don't really want it to go away. Regrouping a bit and slowly talking about it seems like the best course at this point. Perhaps some middle ground can be found as she betters understands what polyamory is all about.

I really appreciate you taking the time and your very thoughtful feedback and advice
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Old 10-17-2017, 04:34 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad it helped some.

Quote:
Regrouping a bit and slowly talking about it seems like the best course at this point.
Sounds like you have a plan for now.

Quote:
This resonates a lot for me. I hate not being able to be completely open and honest about these feelings with her.
I know. It was disappointing for me with that one ex. He just didn't want to know authentic me. Ever. It wasn't like "Whoa! Slow down! Too many new ideas here! I can only process one at a time!"

It was "Why do you have to be like that? Can't you just stop it and be normal?"

So we were just NOT compatible. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not just to keep on with someone in a romance. That's not self-honoring or self-respecting behavior.

I hope you two are able to find middle ground.

Galagirl
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Old 10-17-2017, 01:30 PM
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Al99 Al99 is offline
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Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyJedi
The only sort of interest that stems from her for opening our marriage is her having a boyfriend, but me not having a girlfriend.

Ravenscroft responded:
Please elaborate. So, she'd potentially be interested in polyamory, so long as she was the only one...?
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I'm scratching my head on this one too - especially since you were the one who proposed polyamory.....
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  #10  
Old 10-18-2017, 02:02 AM
PolyJedi PolyJedi is offline
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I'm scratching my head on this one too - especially since you were the one who proposed polyamory.....
Yeah, she's not always the most logical. Since she feels polyamory is sex-driven, her rationale was that since her libido was higher than mine she should be the one to have anyone extra if we actually opened up our relationship. I obviously disagree with this rationale and having it one-sided is not an option as far as I'm concerned.

With time I'm hoping she'll better understand polyamory.
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