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  #1  
Old 01-02-2015, 07:08 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Question Is there a real poly community?



I don't know what it is, but... I keep getting rude replies to my threads here. I am told that I am uptight because I have rules for my relationships, and people are spilling their sex fantasies all over my serious attempt to ask for advice about my boyfriend in Turkey.

I had one poly aquaintance from Facebook stalk me with unwanted sexual requests all over last Christmas. He started out nice and seemingly politically interested.

And in a Facebook poly group people were going mental yesterday because I didn't quite get their cencorship rules. Apparently you can't even write the full title of Ethical Slut without someone calling it slur. I wasn't even allowed to call it sensorship, because that was attacking the group, and people were generally mean. It is like the parody of US cencorship eagerness, I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I guess I get extra upset because I wanted to find some community.

Are poly people in groups either a bunch of horny-rude deadbeats or a snippet of angry-depressed uptight activists? I know there are some normal, well-functioning people in relationships out there but maybe they are just busy living their busy, normal lives.

I would like to be part of an international poly network, but so far I am loosing faith about it. I love online discussions and networks and think they are overall helpful, but so far the whole experience has been quite alienating. In Norway the poly milieu is small and closeknit with personal friendships. I was not expecting the same kind of closeness in the big wide world, but I am about to give up because too many behave so weird.

Does anyone else have a similar experience? Please people, give me some faith that people can be nice.
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  #2  
Old 01-02-2015, 08:10 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Norwegianpoly View Post
I keep getting rude replies to my threads here. I am told that I am uptight because I have rules for my relationships, and people are spilling their sex fantasies all over my serious attempt to ask for advice about my boyfriend in Turkey.
I'm sorry that your experience has been negative. Without knowing what "rules" you have for your relationships I can tell you whether you are "uptight" or not (by my personal definition.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Norwegianpoly View Post
I had one poly aquaintance from Facebook stalk me with unwanted sexual requests all over last Christmas. He started out nice and seemingly politically interested..
OK, that just seems creepy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Norwegianpoly View Post
And in a Facebook poly group people were going mental yesterday because I didn't quite get their cencorship rules. Apparently you can't even write the full title of Ethical Slut without someone calling it slur. I wasn't even allowed to call it sensorship, because that was attacking the group, and people were generally mean. It is like the parody of US cencorship eagerness, I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I guess I get extra upset because I wanted to find some community.
You can't quote the title of a BOOK without running into censorship?! That seems weird to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Norwegianpoly View Post
Are poly people in groups either a bunch of horny-rude deadbeats or a snippet of angry-depressed uptight activists? I know there are some normal, well-functioning people in relationships out there but maybe they are just busy living their busy, normal lives..
I've really enjoyed my interactions here but I don't really ID as being a part of a "poly group". "Busy living my life" totally applies here. I comment where I feel I have something to add, and avoid the psycho-drama threads.
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  #3  
Old 01-02-2015, 03:03 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I see it this way: there isn't really such a thing as "the poly community," or one cohesive group that could be considered that way, although there may be national and international organizations with goals that benefit people who live polyamorously. However, there are local, regional, and online poly communities, and you just have to find the one that is the best fit for you.

Just one thing to remember about any online group: posting here or anywhere on the internet is basically the same as hanging an announcement onto a tree in the middle of a town square - anyone can answer, there could be a wide range of opinions and differing advice (many of which you may not like), and it's impossible to keep all the crazies away. There is also no guarantee of privacy, so if you want to stay anonymous, it's up to you to monitor what information you put out there.
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Old 01-02-2015, 03:25 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Here is Norwegian's other thread. She did get some awfully weird answers there, and I for one, am sorry that was her first experience with our board!

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=64350
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  #5  
Old 01-02-2015, 03:58 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Well I consider myself a part of an online poly community here and also part of my local poly community. Unfortunately, I've run into assholes in both. I've decided to keep being involved and have overall been very happy with the communities I've found. But it can be painful at times, for sure.

I also have had disappointing experiences with Facebook poly groups, to the point where I have left them all and don't plan on joining any ever again. One I belonged to had people posting boobs photos all the damn time. Some people suggested moving the boob photos to a dedicated area where they would not show up on the feed. I supported this move. I don't mind boob shots but did not want them cluttering up my feed. The people who wanted to move the boobs off the main feed were accused of being 'sex-negative' and anti-sex, pro-censorship and so on. The 'pro-boob shot' group seemed incapable of understanding that not wanting to see random boobs in the Facebook feed all the time was not the same as being sex-negative. It got to be impossible to have an actual conversation about the topic. So I left.
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Old 01-02-2015, 04:46 PM
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Egad! That is why I usually refer to that kind of stance as "so-called sex positive." I've found that most people who wave that flag just want to dominate others with their views and look down on anyone who wants even just a little bit of discretion. It isn't actually very sex positive to me.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #7  
Old 01-02-2015, 04:57 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I'm sorry that your experience has been negative. Without knowing what "rules" you have for your relationships I can tell you whether you are "uptight" or not (by my personal definition.)
Our main rules are:
1 Talk over any potentional new partners as early as possible
2 No sponanous sex (that is, we don't have sex with a new person the same night as we met them or realized the connection we had with them. We wait at least one day and ask permission)
3 Use protection or do STD tests before fluent bonding
4 Everyone have to strive at being open and honest and communicate
5 Primaries have the right to veto
6 Don't get so drunk that you don't remember the above rules
This is how we did it both when I met my now boyfriend, and when my husband started to explore things with his might-be-future-girlfriend. It worked well for us so far.

I think it was our rules 1,2 and 5 that some guy were upset about. He felt that everyone in a poly relationship should behave in the beginning as if they were single, not asking permission from anyonem just introduce people like "hey this is my new partner". I have not objection to that, as people are free to make their own rules, but he was being very negative towards our way of doing it, claiming we were mono in disguise or something similar.
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Old 01-02-2015, 05:09 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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I am glad I am not the only one who have had negative experiences with poly Facebook groups! I will seriously consider just dropping them, like you did. I have also seen some very sex-obsessed FB poly groups, which is perhaps why I found it so surprising that I also run into a bunch of cencorship-obsessed people. I know a group in my country who is a little like that too, who want so much not to hurt anyone that it actually hinders any real discussion because people are constantly "arrested" for using words that are not allowed. I see the point of avoiding slur, but reffering to the book "Ethical slut" as "Ethical sl*t" was too much for me.

I am usually quite discrete online so I don't worry about that.

I am very happy with both our local and national group, and I have found some good blogs and other stuff online that I appreciate very much. And mabe if I cut out the FB junk and concentrate on following the good threads in here I will find more of that I am looking for. Thanks for all the support
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Old 01-03-2015, 05:43 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, personally I feel "asking permission" is not ideal. I feel each person in an open relationship can request certain things, but both are autonomous and don't need "permission" per se. Agreement, or giving one's blessing, is more like what works for me.

Also, I tried a veto with my ex husband. It didn't work, they still had feelings for each other, and continued as "close friends" and finally hooked up once he and I separated.

These are minor quibbles though, and might just be more semantics than anything.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, 37
I am also casually dating presently, and miss pixi is open to dating as well
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  #10  
Old 01-03-2015, 08:03 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is online now
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I am sorry you've had bad experiences. I have, as well, and know it can be really frustrating when you're looking for a community (especially one that should, in theory, be more accepting and open-minded than most). I've always felt that people can have whatever rule they like, so long as they are honest and upfront about them, and it's up to the individuals to decide if they will participate. In my case, I don't really see the point of alienating anyone because of their poly "rules," I just choose not to participate with those who have rules that don't mesh well with my boundaries, which is one of the many reasons I don't do FB groups--what a nightmare.

I mostly don't see the point in arguing with someone about their "rules" for relationships. For example, generally, most of your rules seem sensible and based in safety and reality; but, I suspect you get a lot of flack especially about #5. It's a big issue in the poly world in general, because many (myself included) have been very badly burned by it, as it essentially treats the non-primary as a lesser human being, there only at the pleasure of someone else until it become inconvenient or insecurities surface. If I were a potential partner who was interested in one of you, I'd actually appreciate you saying upfront that veto power exists. For me, it would mean not entering into the relationship, but the honesty is far better than what often happens with couples (veto power is often said to not exist, even when it does). I am the proverbial HBB, but decided to not date couples at all because of the veto issue. It's deeply painful to be on the receiving end of a veto, especially if the relationship has been going on some time and is deeply emotional, and the veto is the result of metamour insecurity (rather than, say, crazy or bad behavior on my part or something). But, that is my choice to make, and you being up-front about your rules would me to make an informed decision.

So, while you'll get a lot of flack for the veto thing, it's great that you are open and honest about it, and it will likely help you attract people who are more interested in the same types of relationships you both are comfortable with.

Last edited by GreenAcres; 01-03-2015 at 08:05 PM.
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