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Old 03-25-2015, 07:51 PM
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Journeyofawakening Journeyofawakening is offline
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Default How do I even start to explain??

Hi, I'm new here. I really didn't know whether to put this in this part of the forum or in introductions so please excuse my ignorance!

As a brief introduction...I'm a mostly-straight female (bi-curious) in the UK and I've always been in mono relationships (well only 2 relationships!!) I'm 30 and have been married to my husband for 7 years. We are also Christians and have two young children.

I met a guy on the Internet via a mutual interest and started a friendship, we get on so well as we are so similar. We were just friends, I didn't intend on anything else because I am married. But eventually we realised we care about each other on more than a friendship basis. Well, we absolutely adore and love each other basically. We met for the first time recently (he lives abroad) and just before he came to visit I was on Facebook and stumbled across an article on Polyamory. I thought it looked interesting so I read it (without intent, just pure interest). When I met my friend it was like finding a soulmate.

However, my feelings for my husband haven't changed. I love and adore my husband also. This brought my mind back to the article I read so I've been researching all of this. Now my 'friend' knows I am married and that I have no intention of breaking up my family for him. It makes him very sad because he loves me too. I explained about poly to him and I was shocked with how ok he was with it...

I also looked back to my past long term relationship...I cheated on him twice. I'm not proud of that. But they were guys I had very strong feelings for. Knowing about poly know has just made me feel like I'm not a terrible person for loving more than one person at a time. Just wish I knew back then.

My question is...how on earth do I even bring up this subject with my husband?? I don't want to do anything crazy like say "oh by the way, I'm in love with someone else but still love you, you're ok with sharing me right??". We're both already rethinking our belief systems (me more so than him) so it's a lot right now. Any thoughts on how to bring my views and heart to light without freaking him out?? I'm already finding it hard to get my head around because of how society has made mono the absolute norm.

Thanks in advance for any replies
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Old 03-25-2015, 09:13 PM
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You could tell him about the article you found. Let him know how intrigued you are by the subject. You could speculate in a conversational tone about whether anyone you two know might be polyamorous, ask him to read it, and let you know what he thinks of it. You could use the article as a starting point to say you think you could see how it is possible to love more than one person. Then you'd see what his reaction is.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-25-2015 at 10:57 PM.
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Old 03-25-2015, 10:20 PM
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Hi Journeyofawakening,

On the subject of how to introduce your husband to the idea of polyamory, one good post can be found at: http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index...sg9230#msg9230

Eventually you could tell your husband that you'd like to try polyamory, then eventually you could tell him about your friend that you're interested in.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 03-27-2015, 08:08 PM
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Journeyofawakening Journeyofawakening is offline
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Thanks for the advice. I brought up the idea of poly to him, not linking it to our situation at all just saying what other people do. He is 100% against it. He feels quite passionate about it.

So...yeah...
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Old 03-27-2015, 10:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Journeyofawakening View Post
Thanks for the advice. I brought up the idea of poly to him, not linking it to our situation at all just saying what other people do. He is 100% against it. He feels quite passionate about it.

So...yeah...
Journey, my husband did, as well - at first. But things changed over the months and he softened and became much more open to the idea. It's a huge mind-change to undergo and most people won't be able to alter their life long perspective in one sitting. Just because he had an adamant reaction the first time doesn't mean his attitude is set forever.
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Old 03-28-2015, 01:39 AM
graviton graviton is offline
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My advice to you is to cool things a bit with this other friend, you are treading on dangerous territory with him.
1. many would consider your relationship with him as inappropriate and an emotional affair (especially hubby)
2. if you think you want to keep educating your hubby (not coercing or pushing) on polyamory then you need to have patience, it could take months or years of continued talks and reading to "deprogram" the monogamy and sense of ownership that traditional Christian marriages emphasize
3. if you want to practice poly with this friend, you should not give your husband the impression that he is hovering over your marriage or waiting on the sidelines to be called in at a moments notice, it will put your husband on alert and very defensive
4. your husband must not only understand poly but joyfully enter into it with a mind for growth and the experience if you as a couple want to succeed
5. you will need to also cope with your husband finding another love, no double standards!
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Old 03-28-2015, 07:24 AM
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Journeyofawakening Journeyofawakening is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
My advice to you is to cool things a bit with this other friend, you are treading on dangerous territory with him.
1. many would consider your relationship with him as inappropriate and an emotional affair (especially hubby)
2. if you think you want to keep educating your hubby (not coercing or pushing) on polyamory then you need to have patience, it could take months or years of continued talks and reading to "deprogram" the monogamy and sense of ownership that traditional Christian marriages emphasize
3. if you want to practice poly with this friend, you should not give your husband the impression that he is hovering over your marriage or waiting on the sidelines to be called in at a moments notice, it will put your husband on alert and very defensive
4. your husband must not only understand poly but joyfully enter into it with a mind for growth and the experience if you as a couple want to succeed
5. you will need to also cope with your husband finding another love, no double standards!
I absolutely agree on every point. Thank you, it's what I needed to hear.
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Old 03-28-2015, 07:42 AM
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I want to completely agree about the concern that you are emotionally cheating on your husband. I'll add that I think it would be helpful to let your friend know that you cannot be involved at this point (emotionally or physically, despite telling him about polyamory). Instead of him waiting around, I hope he can understand that you need to work on things with your husband first and see if your husband is open to the idea of polyamory. If your husband isn't and it's important to you, then you'll have some tough decisions to make. I just hope that your friend isn't waiting around to possibly be in a relationship with you, when it may be months or years.
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Me (Chrissy): Late 20's, female, bi, poly, married to Roger (together for 10+ years) and dating Jack in a LDR (4+ years)
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Jack: Late 20's, male, currently mono, dating Chrissy
Taylor: Late 30's, female, currently mono, dating Roger
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Old 03-28-2015, 10:53 AM
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Journeyofawakening Journeyofawakening is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappilyFallenAngel View Post
Journey, my husband did, as well - at first. But things changed over the months and he softened and became much more open to the idea. It's a huge mind-change to undergo and most people won't be able to alter their life long perspective in one sitting. Just because he had an adamant reaction the first time doesn't mean his attitude is set forever.
Thanks Karen, I shall not lose hope then. I just don't know how to bring up the subject again really!!
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Old 03-28-2015, 10:55 AM
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Journeyofawakening Journeyofawakening is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reflections View Post
I want to completely agree about the concern that you are emotionally cheating on your husband. I'll add that I think it would be helpful to let your friend know that you cannot be involved at this point (emotionally or physically, despite telling him about polyamory). Instead of him waiting around, I hope he can understand that you need to work on things with your husband first and see if your husband is open to the idea of polyamory. If your husband isn't and it's important to you, then you'll have some tough decisions to make. I just hope that your friend isn't waiting around to possibly be in a relationship with you, when it may be months or years.
Yes I agree. My friend and I are taking a break from contact and I've explained the situation to him. It's quite painful when you love someone that much but I can't throw away years of marriage and the fact that I do love my husband. This is also quite confusing and overwhelming for me too, I need time to get my head around it all too.

Wow life is complicated right?? Haha. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
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