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  #61  
Old 02-16-2013, 08:12 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Didn't realize it had been so long since I've written here. This illness has kicked my ass.

I read a forum for aspies, giving and requesting advice for relationships - one to another and NTs with aspies. It was quite inspiring. (and yes, that name for them was in the name of the forum) I feel like I learned a lot. Stuff I already knew, but now I know it with a different label, and a different way to relate to the knowledge.


Today, which sucked, and in which I chose myself first (over and over):

So I went back to work for the first full day in almost three full weeks. I'm glad I chose Friday before holiday. It was pretty quiet and everyone was as mellow as they get. Next Tuesday, I anticipate much suckage. But today was pretty tolerable. I remembered to feed myself at lunch. I remembered to pee. I remembered to take myself across the street for a snack before they closed and because I just needed to get out for a minute.

I have someone at work who had a baby, even though she had not known she was pregnant. Quite a shock; and after I got over all my empathy and shock for her, I got very sad, because i realized I'm out a staff person! I went to see them tonight (baby is not yet home) and it was lovely to see them. When I left, I realized I felt distressed and unsettled, so I thought about what I could do to comfort myself.

When I got home, I called my parents. It was helpful just to be able to talk about it out loud. Also, (because my life wasn't fun enough with all this illness) my step mom had a biopsy this morning. So I got to talk that through as well. She was surprised, she hadn't thought it would hurt quite as much as it did. Probably no results for a week.

But it gets weirder.
CBF calls and he's plastered. And hungry. (and without a vehicle) So he asks if he can come over for food. So I say sure. I heat up leftovers for him. He has two bites, and goes to heave all over the bathroom. Yay. Nothing says I love you after a break like heaving all over your bathroom. right?

So he sits back down, and keeps eating. Then starts talking about having a heart attack. Then he asks if I'm going to let him crash in my bed. Riiiight. 'Nope'
And he leaves.
Not really surprised, am I. Not even disappointed. Just wish it was different. Wish we didn't have to go through it.
ETA: I also shared with a good friend on fb, so I knew someone knew what I was up to. And because sharing helps.

FBF has told me he's afraid of the day when I call and say something's happened to CBF. Because it will be me who has to call everyone. OTOH, it may never happen.

I'm really happy I'm waking up alone tomorrow.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #62  
Old 06-20-2013, 07:13 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I'm not very regular at this blog thing.

[follow up to the last post, CBF just last week told me a story about telling his boss 'who I am' - and used every possible name except 'ex-gf'. I think he's clear on the concept, I do; but because we're still friends, he, and, sadly, his mom, are a wee bit confused on the concept of not-the-girlfriend-anymore.]

Okay, I feel the need to confess. Declare, maybe more likely. I did confess to TGIG, and that just made me want to say it more. Wondering if there's anyone here who might understand this.

Went to see Carmen (it's my third time to see this performance from The Met, and my fourth Carmen (saw it at La Scala last week)). Elena Garanca is the diva who did what I hadn't considered could be done to me. I'm not given to star worship, or even generally, crushes. But this Carmen, I want to BE her, I want to TAKE her, and I want to be TAKEN by her. I have often experienced one of these three feelings for real people I know, or actors, or characters. But I can't recall ever experiencing all three for one person.

I am so not butch. I have moments I'm inspired to butch-ish acts. But I'm just not. Spent a fair amount of time in therapy working that out (stupid people have spent a lot of time telling me I'm butch, or too butch, because they don't know what to do with a woman who knows, speaks, and follows her own mind). But every now and then, there are women (and I've had few moments with some men), who just make me want to grab them by the hair and throw them down and make them quiver. This Carmen is one.

But I think mostly I want to be her. Not the getting murdered part, obviously. But her sheer delight at snatching life out of very thin air. Her defiance of others' wills for her. Her acceptance of fate, while still living her life. And holy crap, she's gorgeous.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #63  
Old 12-02-2014, 03:44 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Hallooo everybunny!

Well, it's been WAY too long. So much has happened. Finally got a new boss at work (about just after I wrote that last post). I applied for the job I'd been 'acting' in for over a year, and someone else was hired. He actually was a great choice, I just think they handled everything so badly. So, because he turned out to be so fabulous, I decided I could step back and stop being a supervisor. [I actually got a raise as I stepped down, so that was sort of awesome. Barfy to realize I had been supervising several people who made significantly more money than I did.]

Last Thanksgiving, both CBF and FBF were at my apartment for your traditional roast beeste dinner. This year, they were here and did a turkey. FBF is very worried about CBF. CBF's mom died early in 2014. I was so sad, she was such a good friend to me. Someone said at her service that she made every one feel like they were her favorite. A while ago, CBF also lost his job. He's kind of a wreck. FBF was really pissed because CBF did something rude and stupid; and now he's trying to figure how to convince CBF to save himself.

2013 Christmas was with FBF, and The Hogfather found us and left prezzies in our shoes! It was so sweet. Until I woke up with a ridiculous fever on Christmas day. Was deathly ill again for weeks. Went to ER, on doc's advice, wasn't seen after 6 hours, so came home. And had norovirus on top of whatever I had. Seriously considered death a better option. Made a new rule: No ER unless I'm unconscious or bleeding and have to go in ambulance.

Sadly, I've been there twice more this year. May 2nd, I went after having a specific pain in my gut for two days (after ignoring medical advice to go on the first day). Unlike not being able to breathe, apparently gut pain gets you right into a bed. My doc looked like Stiffler from American Pie. They gave me lovely drugs. CT scan showed I had stones in my appendix. IKR? Ridiculous! They recommended I get them out.

Two weeks later, I fell down with all my weight on the right knee. Every medical professional to whom I have shown the picture, takes a sharp breath and flinches. People, it was leopard-spotted (only red and purple and green and blech). Got the appendix out 6/30 and thoroughly enjoyed not being at work.

In October I had a six month follow up for a thing they might or might not have seen on mammogram the previous April. Then had ultrasound. Then biopsy on 10/24. Two masses - Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Spent an insane two weeks - it felt like I went to a doc every day (wasn't quite that much, but it was insane). On 11/20/14 I had a bilateral mastectomy. Just today I had my first follow up appointment. [Although I was in ER again last Friday, because the surgical drains were infected. They took them out and gave me super strong antibiotics.]

The margins were clear. Deep margins, not just millimeters, but centimeters. No cancer cells in all the tissues they took, except the masses. There was a third mass, that wasn't invasive (it was in situ). No cancer in the two lymph nodes they took. I'm unhappy about losing the lymph nodes, but two is pretty few. The surgeon said my incisions look amazing. (uh, okay!)

The first thing I did when I left the ultrasound was call my therapist. Then I called FBF. Was able to have a session with therapist the day after biopsy. My sweet primary care doc didn't want to tell me. She went to shake my hand and I was like, pull it in for hug. She's such a tiny thing that me sitting in chair was perfect for a hug. I said, it's just another diagnosis, it doesn't mean anything. It just meant I had to do the next thing, and the next.

I had a moment where I considered reconstruction, but then I saw the video and talked to the plastic surgeon. *shudder* Not for me. I had a nice moment in my first shower when I realized that it must be a wonderful moment for transmen, when they first see their body matches who they are. It wasn't a super moment for me; but it wasn't a horrible moment either.

The word that keeps coming when I think about it is 'free.' My tits were annoying. Now I'm free of them.

FBF has been so lovely. He frequently says the absolute perfect thing. It would likely not be perfect for many other people, but it was for me. On Thanksgiving, he offered to sleep elsewhere, but I really did want him with me. He held my arm like it was a teddy bear (had to sleep on my back and couldn't really move). He was here pre-surg, and left me a t-shirt, and smelling him is very comforting. He left it so I could wear it back to work, and I'm so excited about doing that. The picture is the Knight, and the text is 'It's only a flesh wound' (come back, I'll bite your ankles!)

I'm grateful to have some time to be back here and catch up a little with all y'all. <3
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #64  
Old 12-02-2014, 03:52 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You have been through a lot!

Hugs,
Galagirl
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  #65  
Old 12-02-2014, 06:41 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Good to hear from you.

Sorry to read about all your health issue. I hope that you are very much on the mend now.
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  #66  
Old 12-02-2014, 02:29 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Wow, you've been through a lot - and that is putting it mildly! Glad to hear from you and to see such a positive spirit in your writing. Hope you come back and keep posting!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #67  
Old 12-03-2014, 12:32 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Hey, NR - been wondering where you were, but JEESH that's a LOT to go through! wow. Here's to 2015 being less...eventful.

Glad to see you back though.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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