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Old 01-03-2012, 09:22 PM
Ewing Ewing is offline
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Hi. I've been in the same relationship for 9 years. Recently, my spouse told me she wanted both of us to have the freedom to hook up others people. Well i really didn't mind the idea of a random hookup but was brothered by the idea of her being with someone more then once and making plans to see people.

I have explained that i am not against the idea in general but b/c of our history and where we are in rebuilding our relationship and individuals selfs after a long period of struggle im not ready to be comfortable with that type of thing.

She has agreed that doing things that knowingly hurts the other person is toxic to our relationship. She or I can make those choices but it has been acknowledged that doing so would be harmful to our relationship.

Anyway, the thing is she wants to go out on a date with someone because she says it will help her figure out how she feels. It is hard not to feel that her decesion to do so controdicts her telling me she is willing to go at my pace and not do that sort of thing until we work on some other stuff. It make me feel like when she asserts that she is sure im the one she wants to be with that she is being less then honest. I also cant see myself knowingly doing something that would hurt her and enjoying it and have trouble not dwelling on these thoughts

The road to our current understanding has been a little rocky so its possible that the agruements we had are pushing her in the direction she wants to go. Still i know she feels bad about making a choice that hurts me. I'd just like your feed back. Is there something in here that i maybe missing? Words of advice? Anything? Thanks
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Old 01-04-2012, 03:28 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Polyamory requires lots of understanding, trust, and communication. The two of you really ought to have your act together before proceeding. From what you've written it sounds like there are other issues that are not completely resolved. Adding new relationships on top of an unsteady one won't help.

It really sounds as if your spouse has made this decision unilaterally.
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:21 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Nine yrs in ....any kid?

What were her reasons for wanting to open up the marriage?

I wrote a thread a while ago called restless heart syndrome...read the first few entries ...let me know what you think.
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Old 01-04-2012, 02:13 PM
Ewing Ewing is offline
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Polyamory requires lots of understanding, trust, and communication. The two of you really ought to have your act together before proceeding. From what you've written it sounds like there are other issues that are not completely resolved. Adding new relationships on top of an unsteady one won't help.

It really sounds as if your spouse has made this decision unilaterally.

Thank you. We definitely have things to resolve and while she did kinda make the decision unilaterally it was that or sacrifice to make me most comfortable. To her credit she has taken the time to understand how I feel. She also says is willing to work on us first and even says that what she is asking for isnít fair. She just feels she canít move on unless she does this once.

Other then my insecurities the problem is that she seems to want to do this and wants me to say that it wonít bother me. I canít. I told her she should do what she has to do, that we can survive it, but that its likely going to bother me and we will have to deal with that.

Also (this is what I've been thinking about most recently), if she goes through with it I want to know what happens. I even want to know if she plans on sleeping with him or will consider it before hand. I know it doesn't make total sense but if she sleeps with him after we have gone through all these emotions with regard to this issue i think i would be pretty upset. I'm really not sure how deal with my emotions on this one, weather i should say something, how i should feel etc.

Thanks again
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Old 01-04-2012, 02:27 PM
Ewing Ewing is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Nine yrs in ....any kid?

What were her reasons for wanting to open up the marriage?

I wrote a thread a while ago called restless heart syndrome...read the first few entries ...let me know what you think.

No kids. No plan for them. My spouse was sick for a good period of time. Recently she has been better. I think when she was down we both got pretty weak. We lost all our friends, our confidence, etc. I also became resentful while tring to nurse. I am sure she is missing excitement and i guess this would be an easy way to get it. I relate to the thread you recommended a lot. I feel like now we are strong enough to work on us so we should. Its tough. I also think we agree on that. It still pretty crazy

Last edited by Ewing; 01-04-2012 at 03:03 PM.
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Old 01-04-2012, 03:31 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ewing View Post
Other then my insecurities the problem is that she seems to want to do this and wants me to say that it wonít bother me. I canít. I told her she should do what she has to do, that we can survive it, but that its likely going to bother me and we will have to deal with that.

Also (this is what I've been thinking about most recently), if she goes through with it I want to know what happens. I even want to know if she plans on sleeping with him or will consider it before hand. I know it doesn't make total sense but if she sleeps with him after we have gone through all these emotions with regard to this issue i think i would be pretty upset. I'm really not sure how deal with my emotions on this one, weather i should say something, how i should feel etc.
I think, based on my reading here, that it's totally reasonable for you to say something. I don't think she wants you not to feel (and if she does, that's pretty heartless).
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Old 01-04-2012, 03:58 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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You both agree on working on your relationship as a couple. And also work on removing the resentment or stigma of the nurse/ patient relationship. But her plan includes dating and banging other men. I'd try counseling first...get on solid ground before dealing with the complexity of all this.

At least have her look around here first.

Last edited by dingedheart; 01-04-2012 at 06:19 PM.
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Old 01-04-2012, 04:19 PM
Ewing Ewing is offline
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Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I think, based on my reading here, that it's totally reasonable for you to say something. I don't think she wants you not to feel (and if she does, that's pretty heartless).
She doesn't. She actually sees her request as unfair. However, i feel like if she getting a pass (even if only b/c she cant let it go) that i should not be infering or setting guilt traps by sharing how i feel before hand. I think im actually close to terms with her going and trusting her (at least at the moment but i think this feeling might have some sticking power). Her actually being with him (or the idea of) still might make my blood boil

Last edited by Ewing; 01-04-2012 at 04:26 PM.
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Old 01-04-2012, 04:49 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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ok for you to deal with this you need to understand the base emotions you are dealing with. You cannot resolve any of this without understanding where you yourself are coming from. Based on what I am reading (and between the lines) you are jealous of this decision and maybe that is coming from some insecurities on your part. IE, she finds a guy and leaves you.

I think this iw what you need to address directly with her, but you ned to fully understand your feelings first, Imagine some scenarios and then see what the feelings are and truly understand them ad communicate them with her.
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Old 01-04-2012, 04:56 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ewing View Post
Her actually being with him (or the idea of) still might make my blood boil
This right here should make her NOT want to sleep with another man. Seriously. If she is really putting your relationship first, doing something that pisses you off before it even happens is obviously not the way to go. Now, if you think you might be ok with it sometime in the future but not right now, going on this date that she planned might not be a bad idea as long as she has the strict understanding that she is NOT GOING TO SCREW HIM. If she doesn't go into it with a firm grasp on that, she probably will end up doing something that really upsets you and it will be on purpose and as she has apparently acknowledged that is toxic to a relationship.
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