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  #11  
Old 01-04-2012, 10:51 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Originally Posted by Tesla View Post
Should I talk to this girl's bf? He really is easy to talk to although I've never spoken to him about something this serious. How do you bring something like this up?
If you are struggling to find people to talk to, I think you should talk to this girls bf. Of course, you'll have to be clear up front that the motivation for your communication is NOT to get it together with him !

So, surely he knows his gf is a hit with your bf?

So, here we go, as a suggestion -

"Hi there, I'd really like to get together with you to discuss whats going on with our partners. I'm new to this, am really struggling, and I'm wondering how you deal with the jealousy and fear of losing your loved one etc? Do you mind if I can get some pointers/reassuring or even just a listening ear from you to allay my fears and help me deal with the situation?"

or similar, you know?

If you approach it that you want to listen to what HE has to say first, he will, I'm sure, be interested in what you are feeling, etc.

worth a try, maybe?

*hug*
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  #12  
Old 01-04-2012, 01:35 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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OK, so here is my take. Tesla the feelings of jealously are yours to own , and realistically yours to deal with, Nothing has really happened yet, yet here you are ready to tear a head off and in tears. You can say things like i was brought up this way and so on, however every one of those things are just excuses.

You need to get down to the base emotions you are NOT dealing with and deal with them, at the current rate your jealous behaviours are destructive and will ultimately break down your relationship, based on what you said its starting already.

Go talk to this guy,(her bf) just bring up what your feeling, invite him out or over for a coffee and just talk, you will probably find it easier to do once you start.

BTW once you do get past these jealous feelings and you can love many it really is a wonderful place to be. Also if you really want to talk I dont mind talking on the phone.
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  #13  
Old 01-04-2012, 06:43 PM
Tesla Tesla is offline
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Originally Posted by bassman View Post
So, surely he knows his gf is a hit with your bf?
He does. Apparently, since everyone else is a-okay with it, I'm being silly for not being okay with it.

I'm almost 100% certain he'd be interested in what I have to say... I just need to get over the fear of talking to someone who IV'm not terribly close to about something I am not comfortable talking about.

I really do appreciate all of these comments. You're all being helpful by just letting me vent and giving feedback. I really think this is helping me to become brave enough to talk to him about everything.
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  #14  
Old 01-04-2012, 07:38 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Tesla View Post
So, while I may have these desires in me, I've have 27 years of the opposite beliefs shoved down my throat.
At the risk of sounding glib... so what? I've had 51 years of repressive conservatism shoved down my throat. We, all of us, live in a monogamous-oriented society in which we are constantly facing a barrage of "find your one and only to live happily ever after" messages in our faces. I agree with polyq4 - that is just an excuse.

Years ago, I went to see an astrologer to have my chart done. This really has nothing to do with astrology, so whether you believe in it or not is irrelevant. What he told me is that, no matter what traits and tendencies we're born with, talents we learn, or environments we grew up in, our job on this earth is to transcend them. He said, "When you look at your chart, it's not enough to say 'oh, that's why I am the way I am.' One must strive to always rise above the hand you have been dealt in life." We all have challenges, but most of them are not insurmountable.

I think what has to happen to transcend these things that we often feel are so burdensome (like a conservative upbringing) is, first, a surrender to what is. You can't fight it - this is what you were given. Then, next, we stand on our own two feet and carve out a life that expresses our individuality. Instead of clinging to old ideas and hurts and belief systems.

Yes, it requires bravery. You have that. You can confront anything you need to.
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  #15  
Old 01-08-2012, 06:09 PM
vermin06 vermin06 is offline
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Sounds to me all this jealousy is your own insecurity in yourself. Think of loving others in this way: how can a lifeguard save a drowning person, when they don't know how to swim? How can you love others, when you don't love yourself, first? It sounds cliche', but a wise Indian once told me, "Hey, if it's cliche', cousin, it's probably because it's true".

You can't dump all this jealousy on someone and hope that repeating how you feel will make things better. You both need to stop and realize how your actions are affecting yourselves, and each other. The party story really makes me sort of feel on the side of your guy, because he was trying to say, "See? Things are fun, everything's okay in the world, no need to be upset!" He was trying to share his happiness with you, and your own insecurities overlooked that meaning.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, you already feel that, but you need to understand that HE'S not making you jealous. Neither is his crush. YOU are making yourself jealous. If you have no confidence in yourself, you can't have it in others easily. And more frightening enough, your jealousy and insecurity could, in the long run, end up pushing him away.

What I like to do is imagine my husband really enjoying the company of another woman so much, and he's filled to the brim with love, and he comes home, gives me a big kiss, and with a smile from ear to ear, tells me about how he and his lovely new crush had such a wonderful time. I can't tell you how my heart swells at this thought, and I really really really hope you can one day let your love concur your insecurity.
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  #16  
Old 01-09-2012, 05:16 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I really think it all boils down to my horrible self esteem. I compare myself to this girl all day every day and I see all the things about her that he loves and I just beat myself up over it. I just keep thinking over and over, how could he want to be with me after he's with her? I mean, obviously he's going to leave me once he realizes how much more beautiful (inside and out) she is, how much better in bed she probably is, how much more "together" her life is. I could go on and on. I stick her on this pedestal as some kind of ideal and I know that I'll never be her.
You said this gal is an ex-girlfriend, right? If that's the case, while he may still want to be involved her, THERE IS A REASON SHE IS THE EX, and you are the one he is living with. True, you will never be her; but likewise she will never be you.

A lot of times poor self-esteem has to do with the messages we recite in our heads everyday and have no basis in reality. And the more you recite them, the more you believe them. Just like anything you practice, you get better at it, and in this case, you've become an expert at believing you don't measure up. While I know it sounds like a lot of psychological B.S., something that actually works is to make a list of things you're good at, things that you like about yourself, and recite them to yourself instead of the negative self-talk. The negative self-talk is a lie that you've just practiced too many times. Practice the good stuff.
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  #17  
Old 01-09-2012, 03:56 PM
amitabhisgood amitabhisgood is offline
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Default This may sound out of tune

@Tesla

To start with, I am complete outsider to poly relationship. Yet, I have worked with people of different sources dealing with emotional issues.

After reading your post, I feel that your are quite smart to see benefits of a new approach to handle your situation and give you the emotional control that you are asking for.

I would say that your feelings are more so creating a barrier in your relationship with your bf. This statement is coming from the a background that can be comprehended by reading the book "Ask and It shall be given"(nothing about poly but applicable to emotional issues).

I would say if you could cool down a bit and allow the situation to show what is good for you (and him) in the long run, then you can get a clearer picture of what is happening in your absence (and not assuming) as you cannot be at more than one place at a time.

If you could imagine the situation you want instead of thinking about the situation as it is, then you will notice your relationship to take a direction that is beneficial to you both.

If you could speak to yourself within your silence, "Wouldn't it be nice if" and then speak in yourself about what situation you want, then over the days(weeks/months?) you would notice changes occurring and also be happy about it.

Something like .... "Wouldn't it be nice if he helps me handle this matter?".
Write similar statement in your personal pad or type and store in your personal computer.

Give a week or 2 or 3 for situation to shape-up. There seems to a lot of resistance that has to be smoothly dissolved. And you will be able to.
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  #18  
Old 01-11-2012, 03:12 PM
Tesla Tesla is offline
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
You said this gal is an ex-girlfriend, right? If that's the case, while he may still want to be involved her, THERE IS A REASON SHE IS THE EX, and you are the one he is living with. True, you will never be her; but likewise she will never be you.
This helped. It's incredibly easy to forget something as simple as that when you're so busy tearing yourself down.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
A lot of times poor self-esteem has to do with the messages we recite in our heads everyday and have no basis in reality. And the more you recite them, the more you believe them. Just like anything you practice, you get better at it, and in this case, you've become an expert at believing you don't measure up. While I know it sounds like a lot of psychological B.S., something that actually works is to make a list of things you're good at, things that you like about yourself, and recite them to yourself instead of the negative self-talk. The negative self-talk is a lie that you've just practiced too many times. Practice the good stuff.
I've actually heard this quite a few times before (and always immediately thought, what bs!), but after I read your post I decided to give it a go and started my own lists. It's amazing how much my psyche was fighting back. For every thing I wrote that I like it asked, "but what do you hate?" And, "is that *really* something worth liking about yourself? Really?" For every thing I'm good at it countered with, "you're not really that good at it. And you know what you're really bad at? This:_________ and this __________ and this _______." Yikes!

Once I started getting into the lists and was in the habit of telling that bitch in my head to shut up, I started feeling much better about myself and much more calm. So, thank you.
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  #19  
Old 01-11-2012, 03:23 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tesla View Post
once i started... Telling that bitch in my head to shut up, i started feeling much better about myself and much more calm.
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  #20  
Old 01-11-2012, 03:27 PM
Tesla Tesla is offline
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Originally Posted by polyq4 View Post
You need to get down to the base emotions you are NOT dealing with and deal with them, at the current rate your jealous behaviours are destructive and will ultimately break down your relationship, based on what you said its starting already.
I agree. I'm going to try and work that stuff out with myself. I told him the other day that I've been spending years externalizing my happiness and self-esteem, but that's clearly not working out too well for me. It just places my self worth on a shaky tower and the minute some external "thing" that makes me happy disappears, the whole model comes crashing down again. I can't keep rebuilding my self worth every few weeks, months, years. It needs to be built on a sturdier foundation and the only way I'm going to build one is by basing it on myself, essentially internalizing it, because I am truly the only constant factor in my life. I would hate for something born out of honesty, respect and love to be what drags this relationship down. He and I have such a long and loving history... I could never forgive myself for being the reason it fell to pieces.

Quote:
Originally Posted by polyq4 View Post
Go talk to this guy,(her bf) just bring up what your feeling, invite him out or over for a coffee and just talk, you will probably find it easier to do once you start.
I think I will start by writing him a short letter, this way he knows what it is I want to discuss beforehand and I'll be less inclined to chicken out.

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Originally Posted by polyq4 View Post
BTW once you do get past these jealous feelings and you can love many it really is a wonderful place to be.
I certainly hope so.
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