Unfair family judgement.

[RfromRMC]

Originally Posted by Somegeezer

I'm better off without people like that in my life. =] I'm sure my mother and sister already think of me as some jerk. Especially at times when I've seemingly brought many people home in short spaces of each other. But thankfully, they generally keep their noses out. Even my sister being bisexual doesn't really seem to open her mind up to other possibilities unfortunately.

Wow, that sux about the sister. Even if being bi didn't help her understand poly more, you'd at least think that she'd know enough not to judge or anything.

Stick with people who embrace who you are, or at least couldn't care what you do with your own life.

Agree, 100%.

[OpenandCountry]

Originally Posted by Castalia

I am with the majority on this. It is absolutely none of his business and if you continue to justify and defend your decisions to this person, he will just continue to invade your privacy and life. This person will likely never except you; don't let them continue to hurt you.

I have another phrase you should learn and use as needed.
"I appreciate your concern but I am an adult and this is none of your business."

This. Some people just want to control situations they don't understand...it's sad, really.

[OpenandCountry]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Many of us make decisions on how to live our lives that our families don't approve of. Dealing with that in a considerate yet self confident way is an opportunity for growth.

I will draw a parallel with breastfeeding, since I am a lactation counselor. Many women I help get negative reactions from family members about their decision to breastfeed, or to continue breastfeeding for more than a few months.

There are several things you can say and do, to get nosy family members to butt out of your lifestyle, your way of loving.

1) Share information. Print off pages from poly websites or share a book about how polyamory works and how it is healthy for some people.

2) Use humor. (In breastfeeding, if someone asks, when seeing the mom and baby nursing, "How long are you going to do THAT?" say, "Oh, probably another 10 minutes or so.")

3) Express appreciation for their concern. This FM might love you and have a real fear you are being damaged by sharing love with more than one partner.

4) Be self confident. If you are happy and feel good about your life, show it! Don't allow them to rock you with their poison.

5) Do not allow them to castigate either of your partners. (Some people will mock a nursing toddler about how they are a big boy/girl and nursing is for babies.) This FM needs to back off your other partners.

6) Even though you say you are a private person, don't back down and hide your joy by not going out with your bfs. (Some women hide indoors to breastfeed, but the more women that hide it, the more of an oddity breastfeeding can seem when someone does nurse in public.) Go out, enjoy life, do it with pride!

7) Is what others have said. Draw clear boundaries. If you like this family member, tell them in no uncertain terms you will no longer discuss this topic with them, and continue your relationship with them. If they just won't back off, stop seeing them.

Remember, this FM might have cravings for other partners themself, and be projecting that longing onto you negatively.

This, too. Lovely.

[bassman]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Many of us make decisions on how to live our lives that our families don't approve of. Dealing with that in a considerate yet self confident way is an opportunity for growth.

I will draw a parallel with breastfeeding, since I am a lactation counselor. Many women I help get negative reactions from family members about their decision to breastfeed, or to continue breastfeeding for more than a few months.

There are several things you can say and do, to get nosy family members to butt out of your lifestyle, your way of loving.

1) Share information. Print off pages from poly websites or share a book about how polyamory works and how it is healthy for some people.

2) Use humor. (In breastfeeding, if someone asks, when seeing the mom and baby nursing, "How long are you going to do THAT?" say, "Oh, probably another 10 minutes or so.")

3) Express appreciation for their concern. This FM might love you and have a real fear you are being damaged by sharing love with more than one partner.

4) Be self confident. If you are happy and feel good about your life, show it! Don't allow them to rock you with their poison.

5) Do not allow them to castigate either of your partners. (Some people will mock a nursing toddler about how they are a big boy/girl and nursing is for babies.) This FM needs to back off your other partners.

6) Even though you say you are a private person, don't back down and hide your joy by not going out with your bfs. (Some women hide indoors to breastfeed, but the more women that hide it, the more of an oddity breastfeeding can seem when someone does nurse in public.) Go out, enjoy life, do it with pride!

7) Is what others have said. Draw clear boundaries. If you like this family member, tell them in no uncertain terms you will no longer discuss this topic with them, and continue your relationship with them. If they just won't back off, stop seeing them.

Remember, this FM might have cravings for other partners themself, and be projecting that longing onto you negatively.

Yes, I liked this, too.

[CautiousLoops]

I suppose I should update - I appreciate all of the feedback.

I had a "meeting" with FM and they didn't fail to make it the most awkward thing ever. I went in there with the plan to be very open & honest and because they were being so awful and weird I ended up just giving a big "Im fine. BF & I are fine. Im happy. Don't bring it up to me or anyone else I know again. This is entirely NONE of your business". & they proceeded to tell me that to live this lifestyle Im clearly unhappy with what I have and I put my hand up, nicely, and said "Again, Im happy. Were good. Thats enough". I left shortly after, there was nothing else to say.


It was good in a way for me to be called out but harder for me to assess where my "relationship status" lies. It seems when people you are close to (or supposed to be?) start to questions your decision, I start to question it as well. Almost as if I feel they are of a higher knowledge than I am with regards to my decision (obviously they are not, but I suppose with this lifestyle being VERY new to me, its sometimes hard to wrap my head around).


The way I see it, as long as my partner and I are on the same page - everyone else can keep to themselves. If we're happy and connected and honest and open, I could give a ---- about what anyone else thinks. I dont live my life for them

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by CautiousLoops

The way I see it, as long as my partner and I are on the same page - everyone else can keep to themselves. If we're happy and connected and honest and open, I could give a ---- about what anyone else thinks. I dont live my life for them

Exactly!

[ThatGirlInGray]

Good for you!

I totally get where you're coming from- we're the same way with "As long as the three of us know and agree with what's going on, that's what's important!" and I'm usually a-ok with that, but I'll admit I felt validated when I found stuff in the Definitions thread that described our situation EXACTLY. It's hard not to have moments of questioning or doubt when you're doing something other than the mainstream, especially when someone you feel you should be listening to is bringing up those questions and doubts, so those times of "Oh look, other people do this! It CAN work!" are important too.

[Vinccenzo]

Yikes!

Yup getting outted and hen pecked by a family member has got to go a long way to making you feel squicky and even maybe reduced to child status for having to defend things that was never suppose to be their business in the first place. What would this person blame it on if you and your partner DID have a relationship blow up and they didn't have this easy and waiting scapegoat to hassle you with? Are they usually this much of a busybody to the rest of the family?
I too, for coming from a very strict religious family, use to fear their judgement. Not anymore though. Kinda hard to get me there now since it took so much less "radical" behavior out of me to get them to disown me outright. All I had to do was not believe and not be politically conservative.

[bassman]

Oh Well done !!!

[Anneintherain]

Thanks for updating, I was curious how this turned out. I do think that the longer you live with anything (drastic new haircut, new hobby, a given career path, poly) the easier it is to be confident about if it's right for you, as well as to be comfortable answering questions about the subject and not caring what other people think about it. Good for you for the way you handled it!