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Old 07-15-2010, 09:44 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default Envy and Left Out

I've been (as many of you know) thousands of miles away from Maca this past month.
I introduced him to a lady I found on OKC JUST before I left. Her profile really caught my eye as down to earth, caring, sincere, friendly and a good personality fit for him (and I-but that was moot since I was leaving).

I let them both know I was ok with them working on getting to know each other and the possibility that if things went well going on beyond friendship to who knows where. And I meant it-still do.

In the midst of all of this they have found that they indeed do greatly like one another and that they do indeed have an interest in more than just friendship.
I really think that's wonderful. But at the same time, I'm envious of her ability to spend time with him-because of course right now I can't spend ANY time with him. I envy the soft kisses, the passionate conversations, the sexy embraces and what I predict will be the passionate love-making and rowdy, playful sex. I envy her ability to be there with my family, while I'm so far away.
This is NOT mind you impacting my decision-I just thought I'd share a bit because I'm sure others who deal with long-distance moments have similar emotions and struggle with how exactly to say to someone, "Yes I love you, yes I want this for you because I think it's good for you, but I still feel left out and a little down trodden that I can't be there to enjoy you ALSO."

Not to mention wondering how to say to that OSO, or POTENTIAL OSO, "I'm so glad that you and my SO are making a great connection;that you can fill a need and desire in one another. I find you sexy, funny, entertaining, intriguing and my only major regrets are that I can't spend time with my SO right now AND I can't spend time doing with you what he/she is getting to do with you."

It's a bit of an emotional struggle for me and it's very new, because Maca hasn't before seriously entertained the possibility of another woman. Whilst it was ME that started the whole thing-and I'm glad I did. I knew when I did so-it was only one week before I left-and that was going to increase the difficulty. It sucks being unable to be at all involved or included when your SO is building a new relationship.
There's no moment for us to "reconnect" in the evenings like normal. There's no chance for me to curl up in the safety and protection of his arms, feel that reassuring squeeze that tells me how much he still wants/needs me.

It was frustrating when he opted to go forward with their relationship without keeping me apprised of the progress. It was a break to our boundary rules and it was painful to me that he would feel he couldn't talk to me honestly, openly and forthrightly because I thought we'd already tackled that dilemma.

It hurt a lot that he did that. But it was a positive step in confronting it, because I think he really truly understands now just how much that honesty and openness means to both of us. I hope that it works out well for him and E. I only wish it were all three of us-not just him and her.
I've found in recent months, I miss the delicate, soft touch of a woman. It's been years since I've been able to enjoy that experience.

Its frustrating to me to know that I suddenly find myself desiring a woman again, there is a woman (this is VERY VERY RARE) that I actually find of interest-but I can't really pursue, because it would be totally UNFAIR for her.
I am a very "all or nothing" kind of girl. I don't have an interest in flings, don't have an interest in short term relationships. I'm ok with the sex coming and going, but if I'm going to have sex-I want to know that the friendship is a lifelong friendship.
Does that seem snotty or over expectatious? I don't know.

I just know that it's hard being away from all of my loved ones and all of you too!! At any rate! I am happily continuing to do my walks-increasing my mileage by the week. I'm enjoying the time with my kiddos and I'm looking forward to a "friendly date" August 16th with a beautiful lady and looking forward to a week of sexy, romantic time with Maca then too.

(I do know those of you who know me are wondering "what about GG"-he's there, I don't know what the situation is. The same issues from the last thread of frustration I created are continuing and I'm not sure how to resolve them right now. Yes of course I remain in love with him and no I'm not giving up on him. Just on hold waiting to see what it is he's going to really decide he wants out of a relationship...)
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Old 07-15-2010, 10:29 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It's a bit of an emotional struggle for me and it's very new, because Maca hasn't before seriously entertained the possibility of another woman. Whilst it was ME that started the whole thing-and I'm glad I did. I knew when I did so-it was only one week before I left-and that was going to increase the difficulty. It sucks being unable to be at all involved or included when your SO is building a new relationship.

There's no moment for us to "reconnect" in the evenings like normal. There's no chance for me to curl up in the safety and protection of his arms, feel that reassuring squeeze that tells me how much he still wants/needs me.
You might have to find new ways to have him comfort you, until there is that physical connection. For everyone the need is different. I completely understand where you are coming from, and as a touchy person. while I am not any where near that point in my world, being unable to touch long distance is tough. Might have to get creative to find that comfort


Quote:
I am a very "all or nothing" kind of girl. I don't have an interest in flings, don't have an interest in short term relationships. I'm ok with the sex coming and going, but if I'm going to have sex-I want to know that the friendship is a lifelong friendship.
Does that seem snotty or over expectatious? I don't know.
No..its within your right to want what you want ...we all have those wants. Just realize the limitation that may create in the ability to build a connection. And I can only use Pengrah as an example. If I had been closed off to the idea of a short fling, I would never be married, and never be where I am today. If I had only wanted long term and that was the primary requirement I would have lost the connection

I am now slowly moving towards the idea of assessing each connection as they come. Don't judge them based on time or intensity and just work with them.

Obviously, it is different for everyone. I am getting close with someone who is very much about building the friendship first and letting it evolve. This is a new experience to me (I tend to be the flaming fire of relationships that burn bright and then die out kind of guy), I just kept myself open to the idea of that kind of structure

Quote:
I just know that it's hard being away from all of my loved ones and all of you too!! At any rate! I am happily continuing to do my walks-increasing my mileage by the week. I'm enjoying the time with my kiddos and I'm looking forward to a "friendly date" August 16th with a beautiful lady and looking forward to a week of sexy, romantic time with Maca then too.
awesome on all counts. Glad to hear you are keeping up on the walking. Can't wait to drag you and yours through the woods of whistler on a nice hike

Quote:
(I do know those of you who know me are wondering "what about GG"-he's there, I don't know what the situation is. The same issues from the last thread of frustration I created are continuing and I'm not sure how to resolve them right now. Yes of course I remain in love with him and no I'm not giving up on him. Just on hold waiting to see what it is he's going to really decide he wants out of a relationship...)
Sorry to hear that...hope he gets stuff figured out
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Old 07-16-2010, 12:30 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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You might have to find new ways to have him comfort you, until there is that physical connection.
We are working on that Ari.
In fact, I think that the D/s helps with that. But I'll leave those over the top details for the BDSM thread!


Quote:
No..its within your right to want what you want ...we all have those wants. Just realize the limitation that may create in the ability to build a connection.
This is very true, but I'm ok with that. I have found that having the requirement in my life to have long lasting relationships or none has truly been more than beneficial. It's not that I won't consider having sex with someone I'm not going to be in a long-term committed relationship with, it's just that if we aren't good enough friends that I can pretty much say you'll be a friend for life-then I don't (to use Mono's terminology) wish to share my energy in that manner.

Quote:
Glad to hear you are keeping up on the walking. Can't wait to drag you and yours through the woods of whistler on a nice hike
Now THAT is something else for me to look forward to!! I LOVE taking a nice hike. I mapped out several routes today that range from 9 miles-25 miles in length.
I'm not ready for the 25, but I'm hoping to do it at least a couple times before snow falls!

Quote:
Sorry to hear that...hope he gets stuff figured out
Me too-but when you love someone, you have to be willing to let them do their growing on their speed. And so, I wait. (I'm very impatient, can you see my fingers drumming?)
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Old 07-16-2010, 12:32 AM
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ya, the bdsm thread came after...I should have rescinded what I said haha......congrats on finding that btw.
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Old 07-16-2010, 03:30 AM
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haha,
You totally made Maca's day-cause he read this thread first too! He saw your reply and was laughing.

I'm happy to say that just getting our "playful groove" back, by way of our conversations, instead of the endless serious and morose planning conversations has helped A LOT with my emotions as well.

The thing is-I KNOW that all those emotions are temporary-and Maca can back me up here, so I'm really good at not allowing the emotions to make my decisions or change my decisions as the case may be.
But some people aren't as conscious and controlled as that. I thought, just maybe, someone would read the thoughts and think-huh, well you know I feel that way too, but maybe there ARE other ways to solve the feelings besides just saying, "this is hard so you can't see them anymore."

You never know.

I've had a great day. But it's also been a REALLY long day. I think I'm going to go drop off to bed a little early tonight. I may even go to bed before the kids! They all went next door to my sisters house for dinner and I may just go to bed without them in about 1/2 hour!
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Old 07-16-2010, 07:59 AM
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hm, bad Maca. *smack*

no communication? crossing boundaries? going ahead with sex without consulting and respecting feelings and pace? Maca! you should know better!

It's all very nice to be happy for him LR, but the fact of the matter is that it's you that suffers and therefore him and then her and everyone else when he doesn't do what he says he will and have the foresight to check in before doing things. Nothing changes in that regard just because you are happy for him and want him to be.
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Old 07-16-2010, 04:54 PM
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Ah RP, don't underestimate me my friend.
I did confront him and he took it upon himself to notify both her and I WHAT he did wrong, WHY it was wrong, HOW he was going to ensure that it didn't happen again etc. He took full responsibility for his actions and after apologizing to both of us he added in letting her know that he could completely respect and accept if this was a "deal breaker" for her, as his behavior was inexcusable.
They backed up a little bit and opted to make a "restart" with their situation, going over more details of what was expected and acceptable.

Had he done ANY of that differently, my post would be vastly different as well! I have NO abillity to accept repetitious disprespect and he knows it. I may be his sub, but I'm not his doormat and I expect a fairly large level of respect as his wife, his lover, his sub.
I know this thread isn't pertinent to D/s, but D/s is pertinent to respect and so I include these thoughts for some other random person to consider.

In order FOR him to have a D/s relationship with me it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY and uncompromisable that HE must be willing and committed to obeying and following the rules, ALL of the rules of our marriage, love, friendship relationships FIRST. There can be NO D/s if both parties don't have THAT in place. It simply won't work.

When this errupted, it was a setback to a relationship that is quite meaningful to him-our D/s relationship that we are continuing to create. He fully understood that his actions and choices-were a direct conflict to what HE HIMSELF wants in OUR relationships.

We all make mistakes-and yes, he should have known better (don't doubt I didn't let him off THAT hook!). But we also all deserve a little grace if we are willing to bear the burden of our consequences, face the gavel so to speak and correct our wrong-doing, which he also did.
It meant A LOT to me that without provocation he not only took responsibility to tell ME he was sorry and attempt to correct the issue, but he also went straight to her. I did NOT go to her, so if he hadn't, she'd have NO CLUE there was ever a problem. He detailed the problem and explained that it was ALL him and that he flat knew better. He explained that he allowed his fear to be what he made his decisions from even though he ALREADY KNEW that doing so would lead him in the WRONG direction and he knew why. He explained that there was no excuse for his behavior, that it was IN ESSENSE disrespectful to HER as well as I because by allowing himself to move forward with her and not respecting me, he was creating their relationship upon the foundation of a lie.

FYI-I HAD already given them both permission to move forward as they saw fit with their relationship. That is all SHE knew. She wasn't privy to our boundary list from me because when I left it wasn't yet pertinent information. So she did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG at all in this situation.
Also the WHAT that happened, was not breaking the boundaries either. All of what was DONE was perfectly acceptable. The boundary rule that was broken was "full disclosure to primary". That was fully and completely Maca's responsibility-not hers.
Also-cause I know how things get when we aren't clear on definitions, when I say "full disclosure" is one of our boundary rules, our boundary list has a very clear explanation in it that PRIVACY is not to be invaded on any side in this. For example, it's NOT against the full disclosure boundary for him to keep to himself any details of their sex life or her personal life that she is uncomfortable having shared. That is a matter of respecting her PRIVACY. What is unacceptable is not saying to me, "this is where things stand with us, this is what I'm feeling right now, this is where I'd like to go with it, or this is when/where I'll be with her this week." Those types of things require full disclosure.

SO ANYWAY-yes RP, it is IMPERATIVE that when people break rules that are the basic guidelines for how to love and respect your partners best within the dynamic you share, that this is addresses IMMEDIATELY. IT MUST be corrected or the relationship will become very unhealthy, very fast.

Why I'm happy for him, for her, for myself, is that while we are still finding areas we need to improve upon with one another, we're no longer finding it a struggle to do that work. We're finding that with each new step, the steps get easier and more enjoyable.
It was SO NICE for me to be able to tell her that yes, Maca and I had an issue. Yes he broke a boundary rule, no that isn't acceptable, but with his immediate admition of his error and consequent immediate correction of the issue AND his effort to put in place a method for ensuring that he doesn't fall into that self-induced trap again, I was confident and secure that our relationship was on track and therefore not going to fall apart under the destruction of repeat behaviors of this type.
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Last edited by LovingRadiance; 07-16-2010 at 09:10 PM. Reason: to fix my error in using a real name!
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Old 01-02-2012, 11:35 PM
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This just helped me greatly. After talking with another member it was pointed out i may be feeling more envious than jealous. After reading the original post I can better catagorize and discern my feelings and find a way to deal with them.
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