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Old 01-01-2012, 11:53 AM
singlecollegestudent singlecollegestudent is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Default MMM Developing Triad

Hello all,

I am new to the idea of polyamory. I am a single, gay college male. On my way home from school (visiting a friend in another city), I was looking for a little fun when I came across a couple in their 30s looking for a 3rd specifically for sexual variety. We all became skiddish about meeting up though, and ended up being geographically separated for a few months as I had returned home for the summer. During that time we text daily and talked on the phone about once a week for usually at least an hour. We all really hit it off well and became friends. They both refer to me as their best friend aside from each other.

We finally met up when the new semester began, and the first weekend we spent together was great. Since then I spent all but 3 weekends with them for the remainder of the semester. Our time is far more than sexual...we all enjoy being together and doing things together (the three of us), as well as one-on-one, although all of my sexual interaction MUST be with both of them present (ground rule we agreed to since day 1). We have all expressed that we really care about each other and they both admit they've never had a connection like this with anyone else. However, we have all agreed things have moved a little fast and none of us are ready for a "relationship" between the three of us. We have also discussed that none of us ever really envisioned this ending up where it has--(they were looking for a somewhat regular sexual partner, and I was just looking for some fun while I was single) That being said, we still text and/or talk daily, and I see them on a very regular basis, so practically speaking we are sort of dating. They have been a couple for 12 years and have only recently (within the last year) opened up their relationship.

I am also working through the idea of an open relationship. I accept it logically and certainly see how it can be very beneficial. But although I understand it is BECAUSE their relationship is open that I am even in this situation, I still don't know whether or not that is something I am ultimately okay with. Yes, I could see myself being in an open relationship, but only after a period of monogamy in which I was able to build trust with my partner(s).

Although they both say they really care about me, I know it is different than the way they care about each other. Obviously, with 12 years of history they have been through a lot more and know each other far more intimately then I do after only 6 months. I know that this is just something I will have to get used to, but I was wondering if it ever gets easier to deal with?

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is whether or not this is something I should continue to invest time into.

On the one hand, part of me is scared at the uncertainty of the situation: Does this really have a future? Are the three of us able to handle a polyamorous relationship? Am I wanting more out of this than they are? What happens if they decide to end things?

But on the other hand the idea of not seeing them makes me sad. They have enriched my life greatly, I care about both of them, and I enjoy the time we spend together. I have dated a few (not a lot) of other guys and no one makes me feel loved and cared for and special like they do. Each of them also are a lot of what I'm looking for in a guy, and so collectively its near a dream.

These are all things the three of us have discussed, and we've all agreed we don't have the answers right now. What are your thoughts? Continue, or end it now before it gets even harder to walk away from? From what I read the feelings I have are pretty common, do these things get a little easier to deal with as time goes on?
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Old 01-02-2012, 05:16 AM
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RfromRMC RfromRMC is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina
Posts: 239

Well, since you are a student, and probably have time constraints, this relationship may be a big benefit. Maintaining a fulltime serious boyfriend relationship is never easy as a student. This puts a little less pressure on you--they have each other to fulfill their main needs. I guess all that remains is if your own needs are being met?

You say it's developing into a Triad, but it really is not one there yet, not hardly at all, I don't think.
For one, they said the rule is they only see you together. Yet, they are able to be intimate together without you during the week when you're not there. That's not a full triad, IMO. When they trust you---and each other--enough to let you have one-on-one intimacy with each of them, then you know it's moving closer to a true triad.
Remember: a triad is a series of four relationships: A+B, B+C, A+C, and finally all three together. What you got right now not there yet. It is a couple, who are primary partners and have you as their boyfriend. And instead of having two partners, what you have is the couple as one single partner, ya know?

But you know, that's not such a bad thing as long as everyone's on the same page. Again, as a busy student, this can have benefits for you, as long as you feel your needs are being met.
Just Rob now. That's all. .

In North Carolina? Check out: facebook.com/ncPoly
In Raleigh/Durham? Check out www.meetup.com/TrianglePolyamory
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