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  #31  
Old 01-14-2012, 02:30 AM
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The thing is that there isn't an abundance of single women who are looking to become part of a triad with a pre-exisiting couple. Are you open to the idea of her having another primary relationship outside the two of you? What you're looking for is the same thing a lot of other couples are looking for. Hell, to begin with it was what my husband and I were looking for and we met with a lot of the same frustrations. We're happier now letting relationships develop into whatever they're going to be. You can't force people into the mold that you want them to fit, they're going to fit into your life, and you into theirs in their own unique way. Maybe one day you'll find that you're in a triad but chances are that it won't be because you're looking for it. If you're happy for him to have a girlfriend seperate from you maybe that's what he should focus on for now.
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  #32  
Old 01-14-2012, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by jeffnmeg View Post
so we now have a profile on okcupid together but no ones even replied to any of our messages so ive talked to jeff about me making my own profile and doing what some of you have suggested (me meetting women on my own and they seeing if we can work it into a 3 way relationship) but i almost feel like im tricking people. like im leading them on to think that ill be with them on my own without jeff which i wont do.
If you're up front from the very start about your aims, having your own profile seems fine to me. But if you're not clear about it from the start, then I can say at least that I'd feel hurt and deceived if I were a woman you were talking to and the requirement to be into both of you only came up later.

It may help to understand that what you're looking for is something that is hard to find and that may just cause problems if/when you find it. A couple seeking a single woman to be with both of them exclusively is sometimes called "unicorn hunting" because it can come from a place of unrealistic expectations.

For starters, you're looking for someone to desire and have emotions for you both at the same time from the beginning, which is no mean feat considering that physical and emotional attraction for just one person can be hard to find. It's also a situation that many women are wary of -- when a couple will only accept a new person being involved with both of them, it often turns out to stem from insecurity on one or both of their parts, which doesn't lead to healthy relationships. Sometimes people are afraid to date separately because they actually can't stand the thought of their partner being with someone else without them, but then that jealousy ends up surfacing eventually in the triad situation too when the new partner is into one person more than the other or when the original couple realizes that their relationship is now in fact changing due to the presence of this new person.

It can also make a potential new partner feel devalued when they're essentially expected to just slot into your existing life rather than getting the chance to work with you to define the type of poly relationship that would work best for them. The potential new partner is expected to have no other partners ("single women only") so they'll have only you to turn to in the difficult situation of trying to build a new three-person relationship, whereas you two will have the fun, exciting newness of the relationship with her PLUS the stable, reassuring existing relationship between each other to fall back on and rely on. This puts her in an inherently unequal and vulnerable position right from the start, and to my mind isn't really a fair thing to ask... why is it important for her to be exclusive with you?

One last thought -- when this is the only sort of relationship a couple will accept, they seem to end up finding mainly young women who are new to poly. This can just exacerbate all the potential issues outlined above, because these women may not have the best communication skills, or may not know exactly what they're getting into, or may not even know themselves very well yet. Women with a little more experience who are open to poly are more likely to already have at least one other partner of their own, and even if they'd like the idea of hooking up with the two of you at the same time may be turned off by the whole "unicorn hunter" vibe.

Just some food for thought based on many, many stories I've read here from people on both sides of the equation (couples and solo women).
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  #33  
Old 01-14-2012, 08:00 PM
jeffnmeg jeffnmeg is offline
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well thats alot to chew on but its all very good advice. i just feel like if we look for someone who is already in a relationship then we are getting that person to cheat. like if they really like us but are already with someone but decide to be with us also i feel like we are coming between her relationship with her boyfriend.
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  #34  
Old 01-14-2012, 08:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeffnmeg View Post
i just feel like if we look for someone who is already in a relationship then we are getting that person to cheat. like if they really like us but are already with someone but decide to be with us also i feel like we are coming between her relationship with her boyfriend.
Not an issue if she's poly!
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  #35  
Old 01-14-2012, 08:44 PM
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Not an issue if she's poly!
What she said
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  #36  
Old 01-14-2012, 10:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeffnmeg View Post
well thats alot to chew on but its all very good advice. i just feel like if we look for someone who is already in a relationship then we are getting that person to cheat. like if they really like us but are already with someone but decide to be with us also i feel like we are coming between her relationship with her boyfriend.
If you do end up meeting a woman who's into you guys and who already had a serious partner, you can always ask to meet them before anything happens, so that you can see first hand that all is well. That's a very common poly request, and it can build trust all around. It can be an e-introduction instead of an in-person get together, but I like the idea of hanging out for coffee... if a potential partner's other partner isn't even willing to do coffee, then they're probably not really ok with it and you shouldn't go ahead. Meeting other casual partners probably isn't necessary, in that case you just have to trust that the new person is being truthful to all involved.
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  #37  
Old 01-15-2012, 02:25 PM
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If you find a woman you are interested in (you, singular, since unicorns hardly ever work out), who already has a partner of her own, of course she can share time with him(her) and you, as long as it's all negotiated ethically with both of you. If she is in an open relationship with her OSO, this is a given.

If she's cheating, run the other way.

Currently, I've got a primary gf (tho we don't live together for various reasons) and 3 male partners. I prefer to see my gf for the weekend (long weekend, usually) and see one of my others once a week.

So, breaking it down:

every weekend w miss pixi
wk 1: see The Ginger
wk2: see The Hottie
wk 3: see The Gentleman

lather, rinse, repeat

That would be an average month. However, miss pixi is going out of town next weekend, so I can see The Ginger then. miss pixi is also going out of town for 2 wks in Feb, and one of those weekends I am going on a little getaway with The Gentleman.

So far, this arrangement is working out, and we have had similar configurations in the past with other partners of mine, and hers. No cheating anywhere!

2 of my OSOs are single, but open to polyamory. miss pixi has met The Gentleman. I want to meet The Ginger's wife soon, and have him meet miss pixi as well.
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #38  
Old 01-15-2012, 07:56 PM
jeffnmeg jeffnmeg is offline
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wow, i think with my memory i would screw something up! thats a very complex month you are working with but it seems to work well. I hope to one day have our GF move in with us and i guess since its considered "unicorn hunting" we would live happily ever after lol. with or without finding the glass slipper... :P
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  #39  
Old 01-15-2012, 11:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeffnmeg View Post
wow, i think with my memory i would screw something up! thats a very complex month you are working with but it seems to work well.
Well, one has to juggle social engagements anyway. Maybe I'm used to it from being a mom of 3 kids (all grown now) and dealing with their activity schedules for so many years!

Lots of poly tribes use a Google calendar to keep everyone on track.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #40  
Old 01-16-2012, 04:10 AM
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hey jeff and meg, thanks for coming back and telling us how its going I would love to know if you ever find what you are looking for the way you are looking. I have never known it to happen, but I love to be proven wrong on such things.
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