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  #21  
Old 02-16-2012, 12:35 AM
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whitelettersky whitelettersky is offline
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Hi sweetie, thanks for posting

Mag, thanks for your support. We definitely have no problem finding ways to spend time together...we see each other nearly every weekday afternoon in between my bf's classes, so it's not like we are really starved for time. What sucks is that it is totally secret from his parents. There is no "Hey Dad, I'm gonna hang with Katie and her friends on Saturday" or "Mom, I'll be home at 9 instead of 6, I'm having dinner with Katie and Mike" without a fight: a snide comment from his dad ("Chris...I'm 'this' close. You need to stop seeing her.") Or a pout from his mom, or general threats and even some insults about me being thrown in there (even though I get along with them usually and I know they like me as a human) to persuade my bf that I'm not good enough and am a waste of time in some way, shape or form. It's totally abusive and happens during dinner, outings, and even duuring the TV watching family time they porport to cherish. Can you imagine your parents insisting you come home straight away after Calculus bc your mom "misses" you or dad "made your favorite dinner" and then to be greeted with a storm of scolding, insults, threats and sob stories. When I hear about this I just wanna explode.

When it comes to family and close friends, I can be assertive and defend myself if necessary. For instance, I love my parents, but they have said some stupid crap in the past, given out-of-date advice and made some ridiculous assumptions and I've stood my ground, explained myself, and insisted that I'm smart and careful and am who I am. Chris has never really had issues at home and this is the first time his parents have had a problem with anything (other than a lifetime of guilt about partying and spending time with friends...he was always encouragged to be and stay a homebody.) So they find out he's found happiness with God forbid, a married woman and OMG theyMve got some big problems now. Chris does not know how to stand up to his parents and I feel like a jerk encouraging him to yell back or at least defend myself and speak his wants and intentions. Does he have a right to talk back? Even a little? Can he demand respect since he isn't doing anything wrong?

Going home after class every day sucks for him bc he knows he's going home to sarcasm and snide remarks. I hate that his once peaceful homelife is tumultuous because of our relationship...and it pressures us to not waste a single second of time together. I'm sure doing homework and studying isn't easy at his house now...it's tough for him to leave everyday. We are hoping to find some sort of compromise with his parents so they will at least stop harassing him so he enjoys coming home. If anyone can think of something diplomatic and reasonable he can say (even it's in via email or note he can write to them if a face to face confrontation is gonna be too much) we'd love to hear some suggestions...

Thanks
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  #22  
Old 02-16-2012, 02:18 PM
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Purport** during** sorry about typos.... I do this on my phone and it has it's own ideas on what I'm typing.
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26 yr old bi songwriter and music teacher - Michael - my husband. Chris (karatekid) - my boyfriend.
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  #23  
Old 02-16-2012, 03:07 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hi KK! I'm very glad my advice has been helpful.

Your situation is basically the same as a gay person who comes out and has parents who don't understand and don't want him to see his boyfriend. There is no right or wrong way to handle it, it's a very personal decision, and not knowing what to do is totally natural. It will probably just take time. You can ask for respect but in the end that doesn't mean you'll get it. You can force the issue and risk damaging your relationship with them, or you can carry on with subterfuge until they calm down or you're out of the house.

This site might be interesting to you: http://whenicameout.com/

WLS, of course you want to help, but ultimately this is not your issue to resolve. You can choose to not be in a relationship with someone who's in the closet, but KK did the brave thing and came out. Sure you can encourage him to be more forceful with them, but what if they then reject him? You'd feel terrible!! Your concern is that they're not treating him like an adult, but you have to treat him like an adult too and that means letting him handle his familial relationships himself, even if it's not how you would do it.

It's going to be ok guys.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 02-16-2012 at 03:14 PM.
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  #24  
Old 02-16-2012, 04:05 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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^ what she said
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #25  
Old 02-17-2012, 03:48 AM
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Thanks for the advice Annabel. WLS and I decided we should come out to my family because we wanted to share good times with family and friends at both her house and mine. My family was initially accepting of poly, but then afterwards they became more and more uncomfortable with my situation and explained that poly is ok for other people, but not for me.

They think that poly relationships can never last and that I am aiding the committal of adultery. I'm not sure if they will ever accept it, but since we came out a couple months ago we have just been lying and being sneaky. As time goes by, my dad wants more and more for me to stop seeing her completely even as friends.

You are right AB, we will be ok because nothing can stop us from loving each other, but it would be more enjoyable if I could include my family as well as her's (her fam doesn't know she is poly).
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I am a 19 yr old straight man hoping to overcome all of my stress associated with being poly. Thanks parents, society, and non-believers

Katie (whitelettersky): Married 26 yr old and I'm her better third since July 2011

Also looking for a female to turn the "V-relationship" into an "N" or "M" so there is less stress on the tips of the "V"
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  #26  
Old 02-17-2012, 06:45 AM
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whitelettersky whitelettersky is offline
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Thanks, AB, I'll try to back off a bit and trust him to deal with his parents accordingly...I'm such a justice chaser, I just hate seeing good, sweet kids get it hard from their parents when they aren't doing anything wrong. Just going against the grain.

Chris, I disagree that your parents were ever okay with polyamwork..your dad seemed to receive our confession well that night in late December, but the next day he was harping and berating and every day since. I think your dad wanted to put up a nice front in front of company and then lashed out when I left, telling you how crazy our relationship is and how it will never work. Your mom was the first to be a little weird about us hanging out and sitting together on your couch, but she's since calmed down and is operating opposite your dad's opinion...which I know is super awkward for you

My parents don't know bc they don't have to. My hubby and I have a house and even though they only live in the next town, I've already mentioned that they can be assuming and jump to conclusions. Even though the are liberal and chill, they both had infidelity issues with each other at various points in their relationship. They worked through it, but I imagine my situation might sound like theirs and any differences, though hugely significant, would be overlooked. If I'm hanging out with a guy friend with whom I maybe had a slight sexual history with in high school, my mom will respond differently depending on her mood. If she calls and I tell her who I'm with it might go, "Oh, tell him I say hi" or "You better stop hanging out with so maybe guys, especially if you used to fool around with him. Michael will divorce you." I'm like...."Mom...Michael doesn't give two craps about me hanging out with guy friends, regardless of a ten yr old history we might have had. He is friends with them too and he knows everything is good. He trusts me, these relationships are different now and we're good friends." She still occassionally reverts back to the 50's and 60's when she grew up and thinks married women shouldn't have guy friends (even though she does...) She doesn't always feel this way...just sometimes. My dad thinks monogamy is a joke, so he probably wouldn't care if my husband insisted he was fine with it. But I figure there is no reason to worry them, stress them out, or cause secondhand grief. They love my friends and we all hang out (even my in laws too, it's pretty cool...I have an awesome group of friends) so Chris is still involved that way and is welcome to participate in our warm and loving social circle.

Anyway, there is the lowdown on why my parents don't know...in case anyone was sniffing out a hypocrite... :P
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  #27  
Old 02-17-2012, 06:50 AM
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whitelettersky whitelettersky is offline
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Polyamwork? What did my phone think I was trying to day? Stupid.... polyamory***
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26 yr old bi songwriter and music teacher - Michael - my husband. Chris (karatekid) - my boyfriend.
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  #28  
Old 02-18-2012, 04:54 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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White,

Clearly your phone knows about the longstanding poly tradition of only dealing with tough issues in the morning once everyone has their coffee - hence polyamwork. There is also polypmplay - which is the, ahem, fun times in the afternoon once the thorny issues of the morning have been resolved.
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  #29  
Old 02-19-2012, 08:45 AM
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whitelettersky whitelettersky is offline
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LOL thanks Op...

Btw, update. My bf's father threatened last night to "call me personally to put a stop to it" and to "call my parents and tell them." Which is crazy...I'm 26 and don't rely on them finacially or otherwise...what would they possibly do? And how does his dad know they don't already know? I'm getting worrried, you guys...
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26 yr old bi songwriter and music teacher - Michael - my husband. Chris (karatekid) - my boyfriend.
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  #30  
Old 02-19-2012, 02:58 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Maybe you should preemptively come out to your parents, just in case? It's something you probably would have wanted to do eventually anyway, if things got more serious. Maybe if both you and your husband were there, and spoke equally during the coming out, your mom would be less likely to freak out?
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