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  #11  
Old 12-31-2011, 04:12 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by risingscarlet View Post
Your boyfriend is choosing to remain 'under the wing' of his parents, and they are treating him as child because of it.
Some parents will treat you like a child and try to limit your lifestyle choices no matter what age you are -- we've had stories here from people whose parents have absolutely freaked out at their poly relationships even though they were adults, long moved out and even married with children of their own. In contrast, I had my first poly relationship in high school and though my parents asked questions they accepted it once they were sure I was ok and didn't try to force me to change, which would almost certainly have just bred resentment and rebellion in me anyway.

Due to the fact that they invaded his phone, a deeply messed up action which isn't ok to do to someone who actually *is* a minor unless you're worried for his or her safety, I'm doubtful that they would respect his choices even if he was moved out.

Another thought -- what if he was 40 and had lost his job and had no choice but to move in with his parents for a period of time. Would they have the right to tell him who he could date then?

I get that people have different opinions, but to me this situation is very simple. He's over the age of majority, he's making his own way in the world and paying his own bills, and yes they're being kind by allowing him to live rent-free, but he is an adult and it sounds like he's acting like one so he deserves to be treated like someone who can make his own romantic choices and has a right to basic personal privacy. If they won't give him that, then they don't deserve a window into this portion of his life.

I wonder if people would feel his parents had the right to make him break up with a partner if he was living at college and she was a fellow student? In that scenario, since he still wouldn't have a full-time source of income they'd presumably be paying for his board and he'd therefore actually be more of a burden on them. Would they somehow have less of a say because he wouldn't sleep in their home for 2/3 of the year, or do they still get to make the final call on his personal life?

Do they get to tell him what sort of sex he can have? Do they get tell him if he can masturbate? Do they get to tell him who his friends can be? Why the hell should they get to tell him who he can love???
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 12-31-2011 at 04:18 AM.
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  #12  
Old 12-31-2011, 04:39 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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One thing you might want to consider is they are only thinking of the best interest of there kid....with little or no understanding of this dynamic. And if he hasn't had much college dating experience I might steer him toward that myself....having had loads of fun during those years. Think about it from their side. Hooking up with a married women during your college years???
Plenty of time for that later.

The question is should you keep seeing each other or submit to the parents request ....right?
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  #13  
Old 12-31-2011, 04:55 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
And if he hasn't had much college dating experience I might steer him toward that myself....having had loads of fun during those years. Think about it from their side. Hooking up with a married women during your college years???
Plenty of time for that later.
Dh, what about dating a married woman is substantially different from the fun he could have dating someone who was single? And since it's a poly relationship, what will *keep* him from dating others?

I had an older partner who broke up with me when I was in college "for my own good", saying that it was so I could have more experiences (Ziggy, for those who've read my blog). I found it to be a ridiculous cop-out, was depressed for a while, then went on to sleep around a little before quickly getting into a serious LTR with an older friend who was just getting out if the Marine Corps (Davis) without ever getting over the guy who left me "for my own good". So much for the crazy college dating I was supposed to do??

I have a big problem with the idea that anyone should expect someone else to be happier on a different, more "expected" path when that person has consciously chosen the path they're on, isn't harming his or herself, and isn't obviously struggling.

I apologize for spamming this thread, I just have some strong feelings about the issues being brought up...
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #14  
Old 12-31-2011, 08:15 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I think time and focus to start. But I was thinking of campus life and all the things surrounding that. Parties, events, dining hall, late night walks from the library....3am runs to the taco shack...stupid college stuff.

Last edited by dingedheart; 12-31-2011 at 03:01 PM.
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  #15  
Old 12-31-2011, 04:55 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post

The question is should you keep seeing each other or submit to the parents request ....right?


Actually the question was.

"Does anyone have any advice for me? Anything further I could say to them? Or does it make sense that we just quietly continue our relationship with or without their permission? "

So it looks like the consensus is two fold.

1) It's up to him to decide how to handle his parents. To talk to them, to 'come out' to them, to stand up to them. Not easy but at some point I think most of us had to take a stand for our own beliefs and life against what our parents may have wanted.

2) You don't need their 'permission' for a relationship. Both of you being legal adults. If it comes down to a 'not under our roof' thing, then again boyfriend needs make a decision. Sadly, not much for the OP to do but be supportive.
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  #16  
Old 12-31-2011, 05:54 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Vix, I saw the wonka picture a few days ago but because of screen size I couldn't make out the text. I got to say you really got me today...nice job, very funny...and possible true

Also thanks for the summary. I was trying to ask that as a question...I see now how poorly I did.
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  #17  
Old 01-04-2012, 09:43 PM
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whitelettersky whitelettersky is offline
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Dinged, he doesn't live on campus and never will lol he only lives twelve miles from the college. It's a suburban campus. He also has zero interest in typical college parties (he partied some in high school), and the town doesn't have a nightlife after 2am bc of parking restrictions and bars close then too. We live in New Jersey lol so only liquor stores carry liquor and they close at 10pm lol so there isn't really much of a crazy, exciting campus life he's missing by continuing to commute. Of course, if he lived on campus, we would get more freedom (I mentioned I live in a neighborhood close to campus), but that would be a whole different loan he'd need to have cosigned just so he could live on campus...just to be with me. He shouldn't have to augment his student loans further just for me, you know, that's something he'll be dealing with for years and years.

As for me being married...most people will agree my group of friends and I (including my husband) are way more fun than drunken, sloppy college parties lol. We're only in our midtwenties and do plenty of experimental microbrew Friday nights (responsibly always, which appeals to my bf), Star Wars drinking games, jam sessions (my friends are all either musicians/artists and/or engineers...), late night Call of Duty fests filled with creative trash talk and weekend Asian food-gorging. Plus, many of my friends are comfortable with sex and various discussions of the sort and even some intercouple sex so there is plenty of interesting activity going on...with people who know what they are doing, if you catch my drift. My bf has a friend who goes to a different school (similar university though) who says similar things, "why you fooling around with a married chick, you should be hooking up with drunk college girls like me" and my bf responds with "I partied with my gf and her friends last night, and the only thing I missed that you didn't is awkward morning-after texts from a girl who passed out mid-coitus and a cheap beer hangover."


So siding with his parents on that front (missing college life) truly isn't accurate and my bf would agree with me. Annabel, all of your posts have me cheering. I don't think you're spamming this post. I agree with what you said and your defense on us continuing to see each other. Since last week, the situation definitely isn't better. His dad wants us to pretty much stop seeing each other (though my bf uses us being friends as a defense for that - that we're gonna go back to "being friends" even though we aren't doing that...) His dad even said the other day when his family was at dinner "You know, Chris....if you hadn't been wasting your time hanging out with a married girl, you could have a relationship that is actually going somewhere and she could be eating dinner with us right now." Brace yourself, Anna.....I was so upset about that comment...

Anna, you bring up a lot of great points. Parents aren't infallible and they are from a different generation where this kind of lifestyle is totally weird and hippy (his parent's aren't religious, but they are conservative....neither being common in my life or family.) Even though everyone who has posted on this forum with advice to help me has been kind and helpful, I definitely agree the most with Annabel. I also noticed she is closest to my age... many of you who have posted saying that we have to respect his parents wishes are indeed parents or are Chris' parent's age...I found that amusing and I totally get it!

Anyway...my conclusion is that I have a handle on this lifestyle, as do the people involved. Sure, it's gonna be a learning experience, but I intend to keep to the "campsite rule"...leave things in better condition than they were. Maybe not with Chris' parents but definitely with him...he is much happier being with me and if I can bring him joy and passion and happiness as much as he has given it to me....then I'm in, you know? And I'm a bit close-minded to close-mindedness. So as far as I'm concerned....Chris is an adult, isn't a trouble-maker, and isn't doing anything wrong. He's having fun and is happy. Those are the only things we have any control over, so we're gonna keep trying to make this work despite the overbearing concerns of his parents.

Thanks everyone for your advice and assistance. Hope your holidays rocked
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  #18  
Old 02-13-2012, 01:51 PM
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karatekid7412589 karatekid7412589 is offline
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Default Hey Whitelettersky

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  #19  
Old 02-13-2012, 04:35 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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karatekid, you're the bf! Hi! Glad you're here too, I'd like to hear your side of the story.

I think lots of young men like older women. I'm 56 and have dated plenty since i became single and fully poly in late '08.

I had a long term relationship with a lovely young man who was 19 when we met, one month away from becoming 20. We were together for 2 years, had a lot of fun and fond times.

He didnt want a gf his own age, because he was very serious about his studies and future career in finance, and didnt want to be distracted by a needy immature young lady. After he graduated and got a good job, 70s hrs a week, he drifted away from me.

Now, your relationship with karatekid is different. You're friends, close in age.

His parents wanted him to either settle down with one serious gf, or date around casually? I'm not sure which they want. Either way, he's found you, gets along with your husband and your friends, and knows he eventually wants to graduate and get a job and find a wife and have kids. I think his parents are overreacting because, in their conservative mindset, somehow he will become "ruined." Neglect his studies, become some kind of Don Juan, never give them grandchildren?

I guess parents always worry about that... goodness knows, my oldest, who is 25, has dropped out of college and put her partner's needs first. I don't like it either. She just has a semester or two to go, she is gifted and intelligent, and here she is, working at a Walmart in Texas. But it's her decision... I'm letting her make her own choices and mistakes. Heck, she's a Sagittarius, you can't tell them a thing anyway. I'm just trying to be supportive and a shoulder to cry on, long distance (I'm in Massachusetts).

I'd recommend, as other have, to just let him come to your place. Stop going to their place and cuddling him in front of his parents. Keep a low profile and let things simmer down. And karatekid, keep a close hold on your phone! I can't believe your parents looked at your texts. Make sure your computer is secure as well.

Good luck, kids!
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  #20  
Old 02-15-2012, 07:11 PM
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karatekid7412589 karatekid7412589 is offline
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Default My cover has been blown!! lol

Magdlyn, I am surprised you inferred that I was the BF with only a simple "hello Whitelettersky." You are correct, however, and I am also surprised with your response and support even though you are older than us and you have kids as well. Most of our support has been from the younger demographic, but thanks a lot for breaking the mold! I was around when Whitelettersky's posts were made so our stories are one in the same, but I will expand.

I would also like to thank AnnabelMore because she has been very helpful and understanding to our situation.

Yes Mag, we are somewhat close in age, a little over 6 years and we are very close in many ways and will at least be very close friends for the rest of our lives. If I were to meet someone someday with whom I could settle down, I realize I might not be able to spend my life with White because she has all that with her husband, but weíre taking this one day at a time. And kids for me are still up in the air depending on my financial situation and if Iíve visited Italy yet.

My parents donít know what they want. My mom wants me to fall in love and pick a partner before sex and my dad wants me to sleep around and settle down someday so he can cook for her and she can keep me monogamous and happyÖand I guess the grandchildren thing as well.

Yes my phone and my computer will be locked down lol

We have stopped hanging out at my house completely, but it is still a stressful situation. I would like to spend most of my time with Whitelettersky and my parents donít want me to even come in contact with her even though we have mutual friends.

I love her very much and you could say I am new to dating. Going from a dull life of shy fantasies of the popular girl in high school to a poly relationship has been hard to deal with and understand. I have not had to deal with jealousy since Iím inexperienced so itís hard to deal with my first legit relationship involving a husband and an older woman. Because she is older and experienced, we arenít really experiencing new things together, many of them are just new to me. This might be different if I was dating a teenager who was just as new to this stuff as I was. I am famously indecisive so I can weigh pros and cons of the situation but can never decide on which to choose - a pro being that I think I did need an older woman to break me out of my shell and she has done that wonderfully. I am also pretty mature for my age partly due to teaching karate since I was 16. I have different priorities than a lot of guys my age and Iím not interested in a lot of the college girls I meet. A lot of girls my age donít know what they want or how they want to be viewed. I know who I want to be and what I want pretty well. White is all figured out and set in who she is, and knows how to communicate and so this situation is very open and makes sense and is amazing! It also didnít start out with 6 months of tentative dating and awkward mind games.

I guess if I found someone who was ok with our situation (which would be very cool) then White would have to learn to share me which might be a new feeling for her since she has been the poly queen of the hill within her circle of friends and family. Overall I hope to continue our relationship for as long as possible and my parents will have to deal with it regardless of their feelings about my decisions. All I can do is follow my heart and common sense to make my own choices that make me happy, and if everything works out then great, but if not then Iíll have to fight a littleÖbut it doesnít matter.

~What Dreams May Come~
Chris Nielsen: [to Ian] ďIf I was going through f***ing HELL, I'd only want one person in the whole g*ddamn world by my side.Ē

Thanks for reading along with our thread
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