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  #31  
Old 01-05-2012, 04:36 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bricklie View Post
Hi there,
The most important thing, I think, is to create a firmament in your pain. You have to separate pain from pain so it stops all looking the same--it comes in flavors. Pain of being without this one guy can come from your own personal hungers that he may not be able to cure.

One has to ask oneself why one fell in love with a guy who cannot provide the normal boyfriend stuff. I personally hate this question, but it's a necessary one.
I agree that sorting out the exact sources of the pain will make it easier to communicate with my SO and, frankly, with myself. Sorting out the exact sources of my love is a lot harder. I try to keep my filters up and choose my partners well, but love does not make that easy!
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  #32  
Old 01-05-2012, 04:38 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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@redpepper, I was reading your Poly Lessons Learned thread and you mentioned depth in relationships. That stuck a chord. As a non-live-in secondary, I wonder where this relationship is going and if/how more depth can be achieved.

Traditional primary relationships have the typical options like buying a house, getting married, having children, planning a retirement together, etc. Those are not my foreseeable future in this relationship. I am happy to throw out the old traditions, but Id like something else to look forward to. Hey, if we really make a go at this we might..do something great together. Sadly, my imagination is lacking.

What are some ways primaries have taken their secondary relationship to the next level? How do other secondaries build depth after the NRE is gone?
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  #33  
Old 01-05-2012, 05:37 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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You can't build depth by yourself on your six off days or a good night text. This is a time, attention and focus problem.

Whats your typical date night look like. When does it start ...or rather what time does he arrive? Go from there...

Last edited by dingedheart; 01-05-2012 at 05:43 AM.
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  #34  
Old 01-05-2012, 05:48 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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@dingedheart, my SO and I have actually been discussing this one for longer than I have wondered about our relationship. My idea was to plan a trip together, something that would be challenging to both of us. Maybe hike a mountain. We would assign time and resources, and probably learn some things about each other along with way. It would be our accomplishment.
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  #35  
Old 01-05-2012, 05:59 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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Our typical date night usually starts after work around 6:30-7pm. He'll pick me up, we'll go out to dinner. I like trying new restaurants. We'll come back to my place and (more so lately) talk on the couch or watch a DVD. Then bed and sex, sometimes before sleep, sometimes after, sometimes both. Generally, he needs to leave around 8 am.
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  #36  
Old 01-05-2012, 06:02 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Sound great ...short term. The planning of the trip ....the trip itself....what about after.? What if the new depth has you wanting even more than now?
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  #37  
Old 01-05-2012, 06:17 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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So 6-8 hrs per week of actual face time. I excluded breakfast because I assumed sleep or more sex would be higher priorities..
If my maths wrong please correct. I'm thinking plus or minus 2
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  #38  
Old 01-05-2012, 07:37 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Depth and connection are about sharingn in vulnerable ways, something of ourselves that is precious and only revealed in moments of trust. It isn't about having kids, marriage plans, buying a house. This is why to me primary/secondary relationships don't exist in my life; because I have depth and connection with those I feel safe with and trust. This is what having a partner is about to me. Maybe that will make it seem more clear to you PaperGrace?

The lull between NRE ending and RE is a tough one I find. I am always filled with doubt and concern that I have made the right choice staying in the relationship. I usually wait it out and if I continue to be bored and there is no spark of interest then I change the game or move on.
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  #39  
Old 01-06-2012, 12:54 AM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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@dingedheart, counting it up, 6-8 hours of awake time is about right. I never seem to get enough sleep. We used to get maybe 30 more minutes for a shower and breakfast, but his schedule changed so that isn't possible right now. We both made arrangements to spend the day together yesterday, and that was lovely.

If I feel even more wanting after the trip and no circumstances have changed, I will have confirmed that the existing relationship can't meet enough of my needs. That will be sad. I imagine I will have learned more about my SO which would be good assuming we continue as friends. I might meet a potential primary on the side of the mountain standing among the mountain goats. I'll also have added a new life experience (mountaineering) and that's always a good thing.
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  #40  
Old 01-06-2012, 08:06 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I think you have a great attitude on the trip...the situation just reminded me of a summer romance I had once. It was very crushing for the girl when it ended and she really wanted more. The calls and letters were very hard to take or read. Good luck ....hopefully the primary doesn't come in the form of mountain rescue. You ladies love the uniformed guys... and hint ...you cant ask for mouth to mouth Be safe and good luck
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