My Journey from agnostic - atheist - Page 8

bassman · #71 01-09-2013, 11:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent

Bassman,

I am so sorry about your nephew's passing and that the anniversary is causing you pain. It sounds like you two were close. I hope you remember him in ways that help you grieve.

Thank you . He was only 26, imagine a life so short?

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent

The year after my divorce was a long, miserable and lonely one. My ex broke up with me and my OSO ended our romantic relationship shortly afterwards. I felt very, very alone. I was devastated by two such losses in so short a time. My life as I knew it ended. I was very broken, sad and lonely.

How I feel now, yes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent

You are broken right now, I'm sorry to say. I was. I am healing but it takes a while. It hurts so much but it is ok to be broken. Mourn your losses - they are real and need acknowledgement.

Focus on building a good co-parenting relationship with your ex. That will be very hard but, as you know, necessary. (Why is she angry with you? Is it different beyond what has already happened?)

Luckily, we have a very good arrangement, Ive seen my boy loads and loads over the festive season. oh, she's angry because I watched some movies with him, thaat made him a bit scared - and she cant get him to go to sleep. It'll pass, Ive apologised, but it gives her ammunition to send me angry messages. ( and im sure, in her mind, it proves her right about how useless I am - she is LOOKING for fault in me)

Rely on your friends and family. [/QUOTE] They have been great, and one of them keeps complimenting me, and telling what a gem I am, and how my wife is making a mistake. That certainly helps !

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent

They supported me through some miserable times. Get out of the house, go do things you enjoy even if you don't freakin' feel like it sometimes. This will help you make more friends, which is a good thing. Rant on here when you want to.

I like sailing, so i am trying to fix up my boat and get OUT there again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent

Get counseling if you think it would be helpful. (This is still on my to do list.) And if you are a pet person and can take care of one, get a pet. The only reason I got out of bed on some days was because my dog needed me.

Oh dear, I travel, so it needs to be low maintenance - a snake maybe? lol!

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent

This first year after divorce will be one of the hardest of your life. The pain will lessen and become more manageable. You will have good days again. You will become less broken and eventually more wholly yourself. You will discover new things about yourself that you never anticipated. This is startling but a good thing. But it will not be fast or straightforward.

I can only, at the moment, look forward to having my boy on every 2nd weekend. this helps - I love just jumping in the car and going away for a weekend. We seldom did it because 1) We struggled to save - shes ok with spending more than we earn - I am not. 2) We had committments - Cubs on a Fri night, she ran a beavers colony on Sat mornings, my boy had piano lesson saturday morning. then she ran the church crech on Sundays for about 3 years. (dont get me wrong, volunteering is important - but surely organiastions can expect you , to once in a while, phone them "im going away with my family on such and such a weekend. lets find a stand-in or cancel the say". But I felt so trapped, and England is beautiful, we meigrated here 10 years ago - theres so much history, and beautiful coastline, castles, and and and.... I WANT to go and see that stuff. Maybe now I can do it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent

Now is the time just to hold on and grieve. If your experience is anything like mine, it will be all you can do anyway.

Thanks for writing , Ive had a nice evening chatting on Blackberry and Whatssap, and Im feeling a tiny bit better.

bassman · #72 01-09-2013, 11:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility

My heart goes out to you. Loss is so hard to deal with. I know just what you mean by things adding up.

I have been finding that allowing myself time to just be - to do the minimum I need to is helpful. The only things I'm making sure that I do is get to work, see my friends, family and SO often, get some exercise and make sure that my dog, love and companion, C is cared for.

I'm letting everything else drift for now.

Be gentle with yourself and concentrate on what's important to you. I hope you feel better soon.

I just HAVE to concentrate on work now - im under huge pressure to learn new stuff, and Im self-employed and I have to make a go of this opportunity I have with work.

Thanks for writing!

SNeacail · #73 01-09-2013, 11:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bassman

England is beautiful, we meigrated here 10 years ago - theres so much history, and beautiful coastline, castles, and and and.... I WANT to go and see that stuff. Maybe now I can do it?

It's real easy to let the "commitments" pile up that we forget to live. Sightseeing with the kid can be awesome, especially if they get to help plan it. Plan short trips that allow for last minute detours. I did Washington DC with my 17 year old this year and we both had a blast. We negotiated, so the boy could re-visit his favorite museum multiple times, which meant I missed a few things I wanted to see, but so what, the kid got an experience he won't forget and I got a happy teenager.

InfinitePossibility · #74 01-11-2013, 09:36 AM

Travel is good.

I'm planning lots for this year as well.

IP

P.S. England is beautiful but it is not as beautiful as Scotland, IMO - I may be a little biased in that.

bassman · #75 01-11-2013, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility

Travel is good.

I'm planning lots for this year as well.

IP

P.S. England is beautiful but it is not as beautiful as Scotland, IMO - I may be a little biased in that.

You're Scottish?
Ive just been in Forfar for 2 day's work. I was beautiful!

bassman · #76 01-11-2013, 10:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail

It's real easy to let the "commitments" pile up that we forget to live. Sightseeing with the kid can be awesome, especially if they get to help plan it. Plan short trips that allow for last minute detours. I did Washington DC with my 17 year old this year and we both had a blast. We negotiated, so the boy could re-visit his favorite museum multiple times, which meant I missed a few things I wanted to see, but so what, the kid got an experience he won't forget and I got a happy teenager.

one weekend around April May, I knew we were in trouble. I wanted to schedule time to talk, and work through a relationship book with her.

Hell, there were cubs Fri night, beavers Sat morn, then a cubs parade Sunday = nearly all day. then she had cubs committee meeting - Tue night, Wed night, Thu night. I asked her to resign as a volunteer. So she went to see her leader, she told me - to give 6 weeks notice. She came back having let herself be talked into another year.

err, 5 times in ONE WEEK? Surely thats unreasonable?

SNeacail · #77 01-11-2013, 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bassman

err, 5 times in ONE WEEK? Surely thats unreasonable?

Of course it is, but it sounds like my house

. We have had more fights about my husband's "volunteering" than anything else. I have come to accept, that he needs to volunteer for stuff, but we have also, after 10 years

, figured out how I can let him know that it's too much. He truly doesn't see when it's becoming a problem. It was a bigger deal when the kids were little and I couldn't get involved in stuff I liked because someone had to help with homework, and get them to bed on time, etc.

For family vacations, I would ask for his schedule, then plan our vacation around his schedule. A few times, he tried to schedule something at the same time. I basically told him "That's fine, but the kids and I are taking the car and are still going on the vacation we already planned, you want to blow us off, that's your choice." He ended up coming with us.

I do have to schedule well in advance (in great big BOLD letters on the calendar) things like cleaning out the garage, etc.