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  #1  
Old 01-07-2010, 02:13 AM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Default It finally happened

At a party a girl id never seen before came up to me and P and started to make out with him. he gratiously accepted, while I just stood there feeling extreamly awkward not knowing what to do. I didnt get any warm fuzzies. I thought it was kind of rude actually and felt a little upset. of course we talked after and i made it clear that while he is free to makeout with anyone Id appreciate it if he didnt do it two inches away from me. Have you been in similar situations? I explained to him if it was someone I had met before or he was in a realtionship with, it would be likely i wouldnt feel so upset. I mean, they could have walked away, asked permission, or something.

Needless to say I survived the moment, P and I talked afterwards and decided we need to re-evaluate some boundries. He told me they met a few days ago.He didnt mention this to me and I told him so I felt better after that but still spent the rest of the night worried id run into them making out by accident which I knew would upset me.

When I told him I wanted to think things over than that we should really talk about what is working and what isnt working for me in terms of his behaviors, he got a sad look and asked me "are you trying to tell me you dont want to be with me anymore". I was shocked as I hadnt meant that at all.

The next day he told me he loves me, something he says he cant even tell his parents. I wonder if he said this out of fear, but it was still nice to hear.

Would you tell someone you love them just to keep them from leaving?
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Old 01-07-2010, 02:41 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
Would you tell someone you love them just to keep them from leaving?
Nope.

I wish I had more I could offer you on this. I've had a friend who asked me a similar question once when we were having a conflict...it surprised me to hear that because of a disagreement we had over...something relatively minor, that she thought that our friendship which had stood firm since Jr. High was all of a sudden ending. I was personally very concerned and a little hurt that she was willing to throw away our friendship like that.

Some people will say all kinds of things in desperation. However, if P has not been able to express those words to anyone...including his parents until now, I guess I'm curious why your first question would be to his motives? Is there another reason besides the timing that has cast this doubt in your mind?
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Old 01-07-2010, 01:13 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't know what "love" is.

What he did is not my idea of showing someone how much you love them. It was a way of saying "I'm going to do what I want and if you don't like it, you can leave" and trying to make it look like it was entirely your doing.
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Old 01-08-2010, 04:55 AM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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I agree with YGirl. I'm completley detached form your situation and felt it was rude. I would have been hurt too. That is a shock and to have to deal with it at a party makes it super awkward.

And - no I wouldn't say I love someone just to stay with them. BUT I know people who will. Or people who will say it and not know what it is - that was me once too...

Keep you eyes wide open - be smart while following your heart.

edit - listen to your gut.

Last edited by redsirenn; 01-08-2010 at 05:00 AM.
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Old 01-08-2010, 01:46 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Lots of different things going on here.

First, this does sound a good lesson in understanding your own boundaries and comfort level with things. You can theorize all you want, but you can't be expected to know exactly how comfortable you are with something until you try it.

The next phase sounds almost as difficult - discussing it with your partner. Part of the communication that I expect with my partners is the ability to talk about something that makes one of us uncomfortable without it being a major drama moment. I wasn't there when you brought that up, of course, so can't know how you framed your request, but there should be a mechanism in place to have those chats where nobody feels like the world is going to come to an end.

Respecting each others boundaries is important - being clear in communicating them is just as important. Communication requires not only that someone be told something, but that they truly understand it too. Sometimes that second step is missed and the "Well, I told you" is thrown out. That also goes to comfort levels too - when someone new comes on the scene, that is the most likely time for envies and jealousies to arise, therefore I feel that it is the most critical time for going slowly and making sure that the person you love can deal with whatever negative feelings they may be having before proceeding.

Sometimes I find it's a good idea, when talking about comfort levels and boundaries, to throw up some hypothetical situations, to "test" where comfort levels and boundaries lie, so that each can know. Surprises are NOT good, both being put in a situation where your lover does something in front of you that makes you feel uncomfortable, but also when you do something that you think is perfectly ok, and you learn later that it made your partner feel horrible. So the more talking and working out that can be done in advance, the better, but allow for the "real world" example to take you by surprise, once in a while.
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Old 01-11-2010, 09:45 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Lots of different things going on here.

First, this does sound a good lesson in understanding your own boundaries and comfort level with things. You can theorize all you want, but you can't be expected to know exactly how comfortable you are with something until you try it.
this is very true and i agree whole heartedly. I read somewhere that it is unfair to "try" polyamorous relationships without knowing if its right for you because it puts youre partners heart on the line. I tried it out and i am very happy even though its challange. P is still not 100% convinced it is right for me i think though. I know he doesnt like that he keeps meeting girls who are younger or dont know "what they want". I was one of those girls too who was uncertain but i am becoming more and more certain of what id like and more importantly i think what I dont like. I know i didnt like seeing that kiss. it wasnt jelousy as much as it made me uncomfertable and feel lonely. When I saw him kiss a girl that I had gotten to know I did not feel so lonely or hurt I felt more lucky to be part of something so full of love. He says that even durring those moments he says my whole disposition changes, i suddenly seem less happy.I do notice this sometimes but for the most part I don not, mostly I think he is sort of self absorbed sometimes and thinks this is the case (i dont mean this in a bad way)

Quote:
The next phase sounds almost as difficult - discussing it with your partner. Part of the communication that I expect with my partners is the ability to talk about something that makes one of us uncomfortable without it being a major drama moment. I wasn't there when you brought that up, of course, so can't know how you framed your request, but there should be a mechanism in place to have those chats where nobody feels like the world is going to come to an end.
at mentioned before i love the fact that i can be so open and honest with P that he encourages communication in a way i never had with my previous mono relationship. That said in the begining of the relationship i felt almost as though he was testing me out. flirting with other girls in front of me, seeing that it made me feel uncomfertable in a way i wasnt used to then saying 'you look upset". back then my instinct was to say "im fine". i think maybe because I felt like I was being challanged in a way. or i was being defensive. I felt like he was stirring up my feelings then blaming me for having them at all. I tend to over analyze (as you can probably tell).

Quote:
Respecting each others boundaries is important - being clear in communicating them is just as important. Communication requires not only that someone be told something, but that they truly understand it too. Sometimes that second step is missed and the "Well, I told you" is thrown out. That also goes to comfort levels too - when someone new comes on the scene, that is the most likely time for envies and jealousies to arise, therefore I feel that it is the most critical time for going slowly and making sure that the person you love can deal with whatever negative feelings they may be having before proceeding.
I couldnt agree more, thank you so much for explaining this in a way that makes sense.

Quote:
Sometimes I find it's a good idea, when talking about comfort levels and boundaries, to throw up some hypothetical situations, to "test" where comfort levels and boundaries lie, so that each can know. Surprises are NOT good, both being put in a situation where your lover does something in front of you that makes you feel uncomfortable, but also when you do something that you think is perfectly ok, and you learn later that it made your partner feel horrible. So the more talking and working out that can be done in advance, the better, but allow for the "real world" example to take you by surprise, once in a while.

thank you thank you thank you. this post has really helped me out. I have to treat my feelings as valid and rational, or if unrational figure out why and discuss them with P. I think I am putting a lot into this relationship as this is really new to me, but i feel that he sometimes feel like hes putting more into the relationship just by having to deal with someone who is totally new to being in a poly relationship. Its a challange. but I am up for it.
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Old 01-12-2010, 03:12 AM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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Feelings are always rational. What we do about them is sometimes questionable.
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Old 01-12-2010, 05:36 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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Feelings are always rational. What we do about them is sometimes questionable.
There are irrational feelings. My sister is afraid of snakes, which extends to being very creeped out by rubber toy snakes, and being unable to watch scenes on TV involving snakes. She knows rationally that a toy snake or a snake on TV cannot hurt her, but she's still phobic about snakes.

So, the important thing is picking apart the fear and figuring out what is a real threat and what just has some superficial resemblance to an actual threat.
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