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  #11  
Old 12-28-2011, 12:18 PM
zylya zylya is offline
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Originally Posted by BigGuy View Post
Sky, the answer to your question is... "it depends".

One-night stands don't fall under the poly umbrella technically speaking. It implies a random hook-up with no emotions involved, where emotional connection is one of the key components that define the polyamory concept.

My impression of the intent of your agreement is for one partner to have some protection if the other is about to bring extra drama into the relationship dynamic by sticking dick in crazy or vice versa.

Your problem is that this really isn't a one-night stand.

She's been talking to him, but you haven't really indicated if she has an emotional connection with him, or if this is purely a physical encounter. If its just sex, then I would say this situation isn't covered by your agreement. Like SourGirl says, (if I'm reading her right) if it's just sex, its a non issue because he wont ever be part of the picture.

Now, if she does have an emotional connection or there is a substantial possibility that an emotional connection could develop, then I would say your agreement does apply in this situation.

In which case, your problem isn't him. Its her.

You are going to have to decide, if she's willing to throw agreements out the window whenever NRE strikes, whether or not the benefit you receive from relationship is worth the additional grief she generates.
I always sigh a little inside when I see the whole ONS = no emotions. That's not true at all, otherwise you might as well just masturbate. Excitement of someone new is an emotion, the curiosity of a warm new body is an emotion. ONS does not imply zero emotion, it implies (well in fact it explicitly states) that it will only be for one night. There is also nothing random about it, since ONS will only happen when there's some form of chemistry between two people.

Like you say though, this problem is unrelated to ONS. End of the day, the guy has clearly said that he's not into poly, and is specifically making plans for after your relationship, major red flags to me. You need to have a word with your girlfriend about why she's planning on going to see him, because to me it just looks like a drama-explosion waiting to happen.
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  #12  
Old 12-28-2011, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by zylya View Post
ONS will only happen when there's some form of chemistry between two people.
Or drunkenness, or outright purposeful drugging.
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  #13  
Old 12-28-2011, 05:09 PM
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Originally Posted by BigGuy View Post

If its just sex, then I would say this situation isn't covered by your agreement. Like SourGirl says, (if I'm reading her right) if it's just sex, its a non issue because he wont ever be part of the picture.
Nope, not even close.

Though most likely my fault, as I don`t take the time to plan out responses here.
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  #14  
Old 12-28-2011, 05:20 PM
zylya zylya is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Or drunkenness, or outright purposeful drugging.
Because rape and a one night stand are totally the same thing... (since you were stupid enough to assume I included drugging people as a one night stand, I'll go ahead and point out that I'm being sarcastic here).

As for drunkenness, alcohol merely lowers your inhibitions. It can't make you do something that you don't want to do. Assuming that they're not so drunk that they can't make a conscious decision (in which case see point one about rape) then having a one night stand wouldn't be BECAUSE of the drunkenness, it would still be about chemistry.

I get the feeling that I've really missed something here, because I honestly cannot believe that someone would suggest that raping someone is comparable to a one night stand. Maybe my sarcasm detector has broken?
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  #15  
Old 12-28-2011, 07:19 PM
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in response to your specific question: IMO poly people can have one night stands. Individuals in a poly relationship need to negotiate if this is acceptable for the particular relationship.

That's not why I responded to your post though...

Something I felt was worth sharing is that I've come to the conclusion in my relationships that the presence of metamours or other partners is not the important concern when it comes to if a partner is going to be committed to me. Whatever the metamour does cannot harm my relationship. It's how my partner reacts to my metamours behavior that matters.

In your case your girlfriend has observed that her potential ONS blatantly disregards your importance in her life. Your girlfriend's choice of reaction tells me that there are some serious concerns in your own relationship. My advice is to stop worrying about the other guy, and figure out where the relationship between you and your girlfriend needs fixing. And if she's not interested in fixing it, I advise you to move on.
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  #16  
Old 12-28-2011, 08:05 PM
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Originally Posted by zylya View Post
I always sigh a little inside when I see the whole ONS = no emotions. That's not true at all, otherwise you might as well just masturbate. Excitement of someone new is an emotion, the curiosity of a warm new body is an emotion. ONS does not imply zero emotion, it implies (well in fact it explicitly states) that it will only be for one night. There is also nothing random about it, since ONS will only happen when there's some form of chemistry between two people.
My apologies for the sloppy language. I take those emotions as a given. Surak hasn't made his appearance yet. For clarification, I am speaking to the "I'm interested in possibly making this person a part of my life" emotions. Or, those emotions that motivate a person to desire more than one sexual encounter with an individual.
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Last edited by BigGuy; 12-28-2011 at 08:15 PM.
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  #17  
Old 12-29-2011, 02:57 AM
skyfire322 skyfire322 is offline
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Sorry for the delayed response, but thank you all for your input. We had a very long talk about everything, and laid it all out on the table. I also showed this thread to her, and I have to say, although things aren't perfect, it's getting better.

I told her that the situation boils down to common sense and that if I don't trust him and if I don't feel comfortable with this entire situation, then she should respect it. Relationships aren't a one way street. Sometimes, she does have a tendency to play with fire, as she trusts very easily. I think the main reason why I'm so hellbent on this is because I don't want to see her hurt.
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  #18  
Old 12-29-2011, 01:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zylya View Post
Because rape and a one night stand are totally the same thing... (since you were stupid enough to assume I included drugging people as a one night stand, I'll go ahead and point out that I'm being sarcastic here).
STUPID??? I beg your pardon!

Quote:

As for drunkenness, alcohol merely lowers your inhibitions. It can't make you do something that you don't want to do. Assuming that they're not so drunk that they can't make a conscious decision...
Of course that is the degree of inebriation I was referring to.
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  #19  
Old 12-29-2011, 05:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zylya View Post
...since you were stupid enough to assume...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
STUPID??? I beg your pardon!
Yeah, really, WTF? How bitchy!
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  #20  
Old 12-30-2011, 12:23 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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The guy sounds like a typical cowboy. He likes her so he figures she'll leave you for him, plus your relationship has to be on the rocks for you to be fine with him anyways so that can't be much longer.

I would worry about it a lot. Does she know he mentions you being out of the picture? That seems pretty bad.
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