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  #151  
Old 08-14-2013, 09:07 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
If what my partner is bringing up is their other partners hostility to me or some other topic that is bringing me down, I should think that "not at all" is perfectly reasonable. I want to treat people well but not at the cost of my happiness.
my trouble is, i have difficulty discussing her at all. (and it'll be interesting if BF weighs in on this since hes now on the site)
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  #152  
Old 08-14-2013, 09:11 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
my trouble is, i have difficulty discussing her at all. (and it'll be interesting if BF weighs in on this since hes now on the site)
More of a general insecurity issue? Is it your desire to have more of a don't ask don't tell arrangement?
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  #153  
Old 08-14-2013, 10:57 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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In this case yes, dadt might be good. I'm actually very secure in our relationship right now, but there is stuff about her that bothers me a lot so it's hard to hear about her
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  #154  
Old 08-19-2013, 09:17 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default This is strange thread for sure

but not in a way I can't put my finger on, as I often think personal experience gives me a different perspective.

To the original post PolyAus, no, not liking your metamour does not mean there is no hope, not so long as you can be adults about it. However living together -- even in your commune has several dwellings -- wouldn't be as easy to make it work if you were practicing the flavor of poly that is more like two separate non-overlapping relationships. People here call it a Vee, and to be honest when the the legs, arms, branches -- whatever you want to call the partners of the hinge (metamours) -- have the least interaction the easier it will be.

If you read around, there are metamours who have been a part of a Vee for quite some time and have yet to meet face to face. For that type of situation it would take some serious effort or a lot of denial to have the not liking your metamour be a problem in your relationship.

Living in a poly-complex housing will require a little more maturity, which requires honesty which yourselves and each other. Due to the emotions of intimate relationships it would likely require weekly, maybe daily -- or possible only monthly -- some time spent in self-reflection. Being human, who are emotional creatures, as we live our daily lives will never be able to always behave 100% honestly and we often justify or rationalize our behavior during the times we are immediately behaving

most people call it living in the now

but with ten or fifteen minutes weekly, in reflection we can see much more truthfully, and on occasion we will be able to recognize when we made a mistake. As after the fact -- in reflection -- we are capable of seeing the truth if we choose to.

If you really don't like your metamour and want to live in the same poly-complex, it will require honesty in reflection and the maturity to promptly admit the times we were out of line.

If you can do that, there is hope in communal living for whatever label or dynamic you choose to practice
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  #155  
Old 08-19-2013, 09:42 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default CageyCate

I can relate to your preferred flavor of poly, and that is why something rings of misunderstanding

if not and maybe it is because so much of what happened in your story is a black box of mystery to us who don't know you personally. But pride often gets in the way of understanding, especially when all parties involved view themselves as being wronged, or otherwise more in the right, and when until each side fully understands the truth of what happened, there isn't likely to be any resolution. I say "truth" because when things are black and white and one side of the dispute is the innocent victim, then one side tends to be more of a vindictive asshole, and if that's the case your husband would have to be the epitome of the stereotypical male people refer to when they call males "dogs"

and from your writing that isn't the impression I received in reading your words. I don't know what happened, or what bad information or wrong assumptions led to their relationship bringing such a great deal of pain and unpleasantness, but typically when it looks like the metamour is that cold and callous as well as unapologetic with no hints that anything is going to change the fact that your husband is still considering any sort of friendship or interaction is the tell tale sign of a misunderstanding.

a common one is not identifying the relationship as open or otherwise non-monogamous, which I have seen happen when poly-people's friends are not familiar with poly, a traditional friendship can that eventually becomes sexual leads to such misunderstandings. The worst type of misunderstanding happen when a non-monogamist denies their Primary relationship is "open", but that is the extreme end of the spectrum and only your husband, yourself, and the ex will be able to figure out where the misunderstanding took place
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  #156  
Old 08-19-2013, 09:54 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Sparklepop

As well as everyone else, hopefully this has all been resolved by now, but the quick route to solution is to be emotionally honest with her husband and this is the type of honesty that is best understood in person when they can see your eyes, because if he sees what his behavior is doing, and doesn't understand how he needs to change and what that change entails -- when you inform him of how his behavior makes you feel -- it means either that he does not care for you in the genuine manner he seems to proclaim or possibly he is incapable of truly understanding what it means to love another person that they are not sexually involved with without some sort of a value trade system

commonly known as using another human being

which isn't love so don't let him fool you into thinking he is not attempting to use you for something

If he cares about you, he won't want you to be experience the emotional stress that is a result of his behavior (either that or he serious psychological disorders because such behavior would take some serious playing of him on your part, and that doesn't sound anything like what you are describing)
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  #157  
Old 08-19-2013, 10:04 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default as for the numerous other hypothetical situations

which I can only imagine, having never had any real life experience in similar happenstance, I would imagine that it wouldn't even take someone not liking their metamour and there could easily be no hope for any of the relationships.

When human beings loose sight of what it means to be human, and justify what is wrong action taken against other, the malicious occurrences and deeds can be so subtle and destructive, that it only takes moderate levels of passive aggression exbited by others which can single handedly obliterate even the strongest of polyships, and when positions of power are abused the destruction can even be completely undetected, which is a sad state of affairs indeed
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