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  #141  
Old 08-08-2013, 09:04 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Its making me think of the times one of my friends would begin dating someone new and we (their social circle) would all get a bad impression of their new interest. Some of us would ask things like "geez why are you dating such a idiot/db/loser?" only to hear:

"When its just us, they are so different."

This can be a whole new ballgame when it comes to poly. Some people experience anxiety over the idea of the friends of someone they really like not approving of them. With poly, it isn't just the friends but also other partners - people they could easily worry might judge them poorly intentionally no matter how much they try to make a good impression just to get them out of the picture. Perhaps its similar to meeting the parents that think no one is good enough for their baby? There they are trying so hard to make a good impression that they become someone entirely different.
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  #142  
Old 08-08-2013, 09:08 PM
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sdguitarguy sdguitarguy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Sometimes our partners selection makes s curious mirror to observe. Which in turn may Make us wonder.. If him..why me..
That resonates to some degree. Ours is not a tight knit group because of geography for the most part. That he is so different from me is certainly one of the reasons that she probably likes him or appreciates him. As she would say, a different flavor of ice cream.

But yes I don't understand why she likes this particular flavor. I think this may be where some of the jealousy kicks in.

(deleted) Comparing is not a good idea. Comparing is not a good idea. Comparing is not a good idea.
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  #143  
Old 08-08-2013, 09:20 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
But I also didn't care if he chose to go do things with her-so long as i wasn't dragged along.
OK, yes, it bugs me that she wants to spend time with him. In my previous post I started to catalog all the ways we are different but I realized that it was filtered through my insecurities. That is, we are SO different in so many obvious ways (that I won't list) she must actually prefer those things because, for me, I couldn't stand it for a minute.

But comparing is a bad idea.

Dean
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  #144  
Old 08-08-2013, 09:29 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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My 2 guys are so opposite it is unreal.
One is goofy and geeky, one is popular and well liked.
One tall one short

One dark one fair (hair and skin)
One extrovert one introvert
One logical one emotional
One video game addict one book addict
One immature and silly one mature and serious
One dominant one submissive
One outdoorsy one NOT into ANY outdoorsy studf
One vegetarian by preference one red meat by preference
One anti killing animals one avid hunter and fisherman

(getting a mental picture?)

I love them both. They struggled a lot with understanding. But reality is I am more eclectic and open in my interests. I love all of these contradictory things. Lol. I prefer to eat vegetarian but i love going hunting. I love the arts and i love outdoors activities.

And there are things neither of them are interested in, like mt biking, kayaking, singing, playing piano that I also love...

It is misleading to assume that one or another is preferential. In fact, even sexually, one is usually soft and tender, the other rough and tumble. I crave both.
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  #145  
Old 08-08-2013, 09:38 PM
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I generally have no involvement with N's other partners unless I already knew them from before. If I didn't like someone it wouldn't really matter since I would never see them.
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  #146  
Old 08-13-2013, 02:29 AM
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AlbertaBea AlbertaBea is offline
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Default Worst case scenario...

My boyfriend's wife has a lot of hostility and prejudice towards me. Tommy, our shared partner, doesn't talk to us about each other. She and I only interact at parties. We used to try and communicate via text and email, only to find it created more problems. There's still tension but we've set new boundaries and everyone is in an okay place now.

My best advice is to keep it superficial. If you don't like this person, don't force yourself to for your partners sake. Let their relationship be separate from yours and don't stir the pot unnecessarily.
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I'm Alberta (F/26) and I've been in a relationship with Doug (M/37) for 3.5 years. We are long-distance and open. For the last 9 months I have also been dating Tommy (M/31). Tommy is in an unconventional marriage with Jordan (F/28).
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  #147  
Old 08-13-2013, 02:55 AM
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There's no reason that "it's just me" can't also be "something I need to talk to her about." The key is that you're sharing your feelings, not asking her to stop seeing him.

A metamour whom you don't like is not different than a partner's friend whom you don't like. No one's asking you to go out with them, so don't worry about it.

All grown-ups should be capable of acting civil when in group situations with people they don't care for. This applies to friends of friends, friends of lovers, lovers of friends, and lovers of lovers. It also applies to your boss and that weird guy in cubicle 3B. And boy, does it ever apply to mothers-in-law.

I would suggest letting your partner know, tactfully, that you'd prefer not to spend time with the guy. Make it clear that you have zero objections to her spending time with him, you just don't want to participate. There will be situations where it's pretty much unavoidable, but New Years and her birthday only happen once a year.
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  #148  
Old 08-13-2013, 03:05 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Default Poly Drama

Interesting thread! I'm going to jump in with some of my thoughts,

I am sharing this based on the view of a couple considering themselves as the primary relationship.

One of the phrases that is used a lot on poly dating sites is "no drama" meaning- we are looking for a partner or partners with no drama. I think this is an important concept when it comes to talking about not liking a metamour.

I think the first part of this is to decide what is unacceptable drama for us? Take time to define it and become somewhat clear about it so that when it comes up there will be a frame of reference. So from now one when I use the word drama I am not defining it for you - you have to define it for yourselves and the definition itself can evolve through time.

Simply not liking a metamour could be a variety of things.

It could be:

Mirror stuff- you don't like them because they remind you of yourself and it's almost a competition because you are so alike

Shadow stuff- you don't like them because they have traits that you actually have but you have disowned those traits within yourself for some reson so therefore you are uncomfortable with seeing those traits in someone else.

You perceive that they are hurting you- which in reality could be that they are just "being themselves" Or........they could be intentionally trying to hurt you.

In most cases people are just "doing their own thing"

Richard and I have a "three strikes you're out" approach to drama between one of us and a metamour and it has worked pretty well for us.

We have good communication between us, so when a drama happens with a metamour, we work in seeing if it can be resolved with cooperation from the metamour.

If it doesn't seem to be something that can be resolved, we discuss and see if we agree that this was in fact what we would consider unacceptable drama that has negatively affected us and our relationship. and if we agree then we have a......strike one.

If that process is repeated two more times then the relationship is ended- period.

We consider that we have a primary relationship and it is the most important relationship to us.

And - from the other side- I would support this view if held by a couple I am dating and they were perceiving me to be causing drama in their lives. Seriously- who wants that?
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Last edited by idealist; 08-13-2013 at 03:30 PM.
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  #149  
Old 08-14-2013, 08:00 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlbertaBea View Post
My boyfriend's wife has a lot of hostility and prejudice towards me. Tommy, our shared partner, doesn't talk to us about each other. She and I only interact at parties. We used to try and communicate via text and email, only to find it created more problems. There's still tension but we've set new boundaries and everyone is in an okay place now.

My best advice is to keep it superficial. If you don't like this person, don't force yourself to for your partners sake. Let their relationship be separate from yours and don't stir the pot unnecessarily.
How do you manage this? Does he not bring her up, at all? My boyfriend and I are trying to negotiate/work around how much or what we discuss about his spouse, and perhaps i need to just say "not at all" but feel that could be unfair to him
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  #150  
Old 08-14-2013, 09:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
How do you manage this? Does he not bring her up, at all? My boyfriend and I are trying to negotiate/work around how much or what we discuss about his spouse, and perhaps i need to just say "not at all" but feel that could be unfair to him
If what my partner is bringing up is their other partners hostility to me or some other topic that is bringing me down, I should think that "not at all" is perfectly reasonable. I want to treat people well but not at the cost of my happiness.
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