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  #11  
Old 01-11-2010, 07:17 AM
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sorry, I thought he had contracted it... I knew it is skin to skin contact and unprotected would mean that there was a flare up of it on their skin and then he came in contact with it knowingly.

I see what you mean Rolypoly... lifestyle choice. That is the question.

Yes, this person is outside of M,N and me. Someone that N and I share or shared at this point as he has decided to pursue another relationship for now in order to give it the time to develop that they think is needed.
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  #12  
Old 01-11-2010, 08:01 PM
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Sounds like it might have been affecting your relationship(s) negatively, so maybe it's a good thing that it's in the past? Thanks for sharing the story. It's wonderful to explore these nooks in poly relationships and wonder, "Wow, how do I deal with that!"
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  #13  
Old 01-11-2010, 09:03 PM
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Okay so you have an idea where I am coming from my male partner of 4 years has HSV2 and I decided to have unprotected sex with him. In 4 years I have never contracted it, but just having sex with him I warn all my other partners that it is possible that I have it (I do get tested every six month or so and any time I get a new partner) and let them make the choice.

I don’t think having unprotected sex with someone who has herpes is self loathing or self destructive. It can be if your ex feels the same way about it as you do it might be. But I just wanted to put it out there that a giant percentage of the population has 1 or 2 and it affects their lives very little if at all.

I for insistence contracted HSV1 from my girlfriend (before she knew she had it) and I have never had an outbreak. If I hadn’t gone in for the very specific test I wouldn’t have even know about it.

People have different values and make different choices. Make the choices that are right for you and leave other people to make the choice that are right for themselves. Maybe you ex is falling in love, maybe he doesn’t care if he gets herpes, maybe he understands the risks (You are a lot more likely to get herpes from someone who doesn’t know they have it then someone who does) and decided it was well worth the risk.

Now that I’m off of my STD soap box I will say you have every right to choose who you have sex with and if you feel like you cannot deal with your current partner having sex with your ex (for any reason) and you make that clear then they know what they stand to lose.

So what I’m saying is you are doing it right. You are being clear; you are communicating your feelings. But you don’t have to do it with SO much judgment on your ex, that isn’t helping. And I’m sure your girlfriend would take it better if you talked to her about why possible exposure to this STD is scary for you other than just telling her you won’t fuck her again if she fucks the ex.

Do you feel that you would be okay if your girlfriend having sex with the ex if he hadn’t slept with that chick? Or if he didn’t know if she had herpes? Or if he had used protection? I might be singing in the dark here but maybe the issue and the harsh judgment comes from you not wanting your current partner to have sex with an ex partner?
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  #14  
Old 01-11-2010, 09:23 PM
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Faraday, thanks for your post. You bring up some very good points. Often I make judgments that come from my ignorance. Thanks for telling us your story so that I might think of it from another perspective.
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  #15  
Old 01-12-2010, 12:56 AM
constlady constlady is offline
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Quote:
If things get rocky between any pair in the relationship, there is nearly always some sort of impact on the third - it's hard to avoid, really. Sometimes it's just feeling the empathy of what the other two are going through, sometimes it is being a little more flexible to give them room to get things sorted. It might even be a role of catalyst/facilitator to get the two to talk about stuff openly, if there is some breakdown in communication. That latter I could imagine could be a tad tricky, and would need to be handled carefully.
This is very similar to how I view things, though recently I've discovered that sometimes the issues between other people in my family do affect me more directly.

While nothing like the example from the OP, I do find myself struggling a bit with the feelings I have because I was impacted by a situation I was not directly involved in. I'm trying to figure out how best to work on preventing any of us from feeling the same way in the future but navigating uncharted waters needs to be a slow and careful process.

It was interesting to come here today and see the subject of this thread; even though the situation doesn't directly correlate, it was good to see others navigating those same waters.
Thank you!
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  #16  
Old 01-12-2010, 01:07 AM
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Hi faraday. Thanks for your post.

Quote:
I donít think having unprotected sex with someone who has herpes is self loathing or self destructive.
I definitely appreciate where you're coming from. Thank you for showing me another spin on this. I appreciate that the choice you made was conscious and deliberate. And that you've taken steps to follow up with your choice, (getting tested, full disclosure to other partners).

You're right, this sounds pretty judgmental. The judgment you hear is actually fear and hurt.

Partly because I lived with him during a very, very difficult time in his life. It was absolute hell. His last email to me said something like, "I am in a hell of my own choosing".

So, when I then hear that he's drastically changed his sexual habits and put himself at risk (with someone he is definitely not falling in love with), I think that he's not taking care of himself.


Quote:
Do you feel that you would be okay with your girlfriend having sex with the ex if he hadnít slept with that chick?
Yes. Before she told me about the herpes, I felt fine about them sleeping together.

I also recognize that what I'm feeling goes beyond contracting an STD. Something about his actions, which I interpret a certain way, combined with being involved with her are triggering me.

I am open to cracking open where this resistance comes from. But, for the moment, I'm noticing the feeling of resistance that I get when I think of sleeping with her after she's slept with him.

She said recently that she was beginning to reevaluate the men she sleeps with. She doesn't fall in love with men, she just fucks them. So, she doesn't choose lovers based on emotional intelligence, strength of character, standards of self-care. She just fucks them.

This bothers me a lot.

Quote:
People have different values and make different choices. Make the choices that are right for you and leave other people to make the choice that are right for themselves.
This is the ticket.

That's why I love polynerdist's post. Is it "their" issue or a "relationship" issue?
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  #17  
Old 01-12-2010, 05:20 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
She said recently that she was beginning to reevaluate the men she sleeps with. She doesn't fall in love with men, she just fucks them. So, she doesn't choose lovers based on emotional intelligence, strength of character, standards of self-care. She just fucks them.

This bothers me a lot.
Yeah...I don't fall in love with everyone I chose to be sexually involved with, but I am still picky about my partners, I need to be able to have actual conversations with them, respect them, not worry about them doing something stupid (because I don't have sex with people I don't care about), and not get sucked into annoying drama because of them being part of my life. If anything, I'm more likely to overlook some problems if it's someone I'm falling in love with that I would get quickly annoyed with in someone who was more of a fuckbuddy.
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  #18  
Old 01-12-2010, 05:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
I'm more likely to overlook some problems if it's someone I'm falling in love with that I would get quickly annoyed with in someone who was more of a fuckbuddy.
This sounds liberating.


Quote:
It was interesting to come here today and see the subject of this thread; even though the situation doesn't directly correlate, it was good to see others navigating those same waters.
Thank you!
I'm glad that in some form or other, this issue is helpful to discuss.
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