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Old 12-31-2011, 02:45 AM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 48
Default lost; poly may not be for me

well, I have been missing for a few weeks. To start, I started the poly idea by falling in love with her friend. She decided to do the same with her friends husband. Since she decided I had major problems with everything. I pretty much lost that special love for my SO during this time. Long story short I struggled to be poly. I tried so hard I started having feelings for another woman. I know it was just my head wanting someone to take me away from this but nevertheless the feelings were there. I also lost my ability to get an erection which could have been caused by all this or just the medication. It was then I started to realize this may not be for me.

I also suffer from really bad anxiety. I have been on medication for many years but for some reason I decided to come off. Get myself off the meds. Well, my anxiety has come back something fierce. I almost considered going to the hospital one night. So in november I asked my wife for a break. She reluctantly agreed to make it a friendship. However when my anxiety got worse I just told her I needed her to stop. It was making me physically ill and pushing me away from her. We have 3 kids together ages 6,6,9. I can't let this happen and she agreed.

We currently are not speaking with our SO's. My wife is a total mess. Still dealing with limerence, NRE what have you. crying etc. I feel horrible but I cannot give something that makes me sick.

So I ask from some of the senior members. How should I handle this situation? Is it possible to remain friends? Do I move away entirely? Will my wife ever stop wanting to be with him? I don't know what I should do. I just know that I am not comfortable with her loving someone else and not physically either.

We have talked about it and I am torn. I want her happy but I know that I will not be happily married like this. I have to be honest with myself. Eventually this is going to push me away and I do not want that. My wife loves me very much and wants to stay with me but not if it makes me sick. The thing is she will never run away with him. So it's a lose lose situation.

I am sad I cannot find a place in my heart to move past my fears and insecurities. I sometimes think it's just my anxiety that causes me to be non-poly. I really believe in multiple loves. I just can't seem to live like that.

fyi, we are going to see a therapist who is poly experienced.

Last edited by redpepper; 01-23-2012 at 05:01 AM. Reason: clarification
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Old 12-31-2011, 03:21 AM
sage's Avatar
sage sage is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 633

Oh dear it is so sad that polyamory is supposed to be about love and yet it can cause so much pain. My partner and I have achieved a successful polymono relationship after a lot of growing pains, so it can be done. what are you doing to try and make it work? That is the first question that needs answering I think.
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Old 12-31-2011, 03:25 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,515

So the break isn't giving you much peace?

I don't understand your comment ...wife loves me wants to stay but not if it makes me sick

How many sessions have you had?

Was your going off the meds done in consultation with your doctor? Is there equalizing period ?
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