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  #21  
Old 01-10-2010, 11:59 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Being a long term successful third requires some very specific things in my opinion.

Experience in life similar to what others around them have.

Maturity - the kind that comes with experience as well as simple character. I find it hard to accept that someone who is 19 has had sufficient time to accumulate enough life experiences to reach the level of maturity I am referring to....sorry if this is not well received

Self confidence - "This is what I need". This area took me a while but first I had to figure out what that was lol!

Self identity - be able to stand on your own two feet so to speak.

Belief that they are loved and truly love the partner they are with.

A clear sense of purpose - why am I here? Plain and simple..no existential mishmash of fluttery words, just ask "why am I here? and answer it.
I am Redpepper's boyfriend because I love her and enjoy the love she returns to me in all the ways we communicate. BUT I am a third because I love Redpepper and feel I can contribute to the positive health and flourishing of her primary relationship and the life of her son

Sounds like you have all of this in the equation LadyMcbeth. I am glad you are moving forward and embracing this relationship with the understanding that no one person has the answer, we're all learning. There is no expert in this Field no matter what they claim. There is a collection of experiences and a body of hypothesis.

Thanks for sharing all of this
Peace and Love
Mono
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  #22  
Old 01-16-2010, 04:42 PM
LadyMacbeth LadyMacbeth is offline
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Default Would make a great film...

A few updates and again, thanks for the support and friendship that has emerged as a result of this post. Sometimes poly life is oddly lonely for those of us deeply closeted. Especially for my bf, who is deeply closeted and also monogamous and has to constantly deal with friends and family asking him when he is going to start dating again...especially when the questions comes in our social circle and he is sitting right between myself and my husband on game night. A lot of our difficulties have boiled down to that, a lot of loneliness...because no matter how much time I have with the bf, there is a parting and he is alone. He doesn't mind being alone, but it is a constant reminder of the life he has chosen.

After a tumultuous week of discussion, clarification, and misunderstanding, we had the opportunity to "revive" the love scene we had performed for our local community theatre for our awards night. He fell in love with me during that production almost a year ago, although this was before my husband and I had agreed to allow others into our relationship. The bf is a filmmaker, and can't help but think our story would make a fantastic film...especially with the envelope of doing this scene again...publicly. Even though the audience thinks we were "acting", we were able to kiss and profess our love in front of several people and it was beautiful. One of my friends (that does not know), stated, "that kiss seemed a little longer than in the original production..."

I feel my empathy has improved, and we have the opportunity to move forward with much greater love and understanding.

LadyMacbeth
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  #23  
Old 01-24-2010, 04:38 PM
LadyMacbeth LadyMacbeth is offline
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Default Sad, sad update...

After three weeks of difficult discussions, passionate arguments, lots of lovemaking and compassion, my monogamous boyfriend and I have made the decision to transition from lovers to friends.

He decided to read up on poly, understood that parameters could be negotiated, and we came to the following conclusion. Even if we had a complete "v" and he had equal time as my other primary, this would not be enough. We took it further but only hypothetically, (because I would never do this), even if I moved in with him and my husband became "secondary", it would not be enough. He needs and wants to be in an exclusive relationship and be married again. He knows that would never be possible for me as a polyamorous woman, even if I were single at this time.

It is a completely new experience for me to have a relationship in which we love each other deeply and passionately, have amazing sex, and love each other's company...but have to part ways because of goals. I know it is the healthy, compassionate, and loving thing to do. I also am grieving.

We aren't really "parting ways" but are transitioning to friendship. A friendship that is deeper and more profound than it ever was before we became lovers. I will always be grateful, he being my "first" in my poly life.

Thanks for all of the support I have gotten from this community over the past weeks.

Lady Macbeth
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  #24  
Old 01-24-2010, 09:23 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyMacbeth View Post
It is a completely new experience for me to have a relationship in which we love each other deeply and passionately, have amazing sex, and love each other's company...but have to part ways because of goals. I know it is the healthy, compassionate, and loving thing to do. I also am grieving.
I think that grieving this loss is perfectly understandable. Knowing that there is this loving foundation there but that you can not really fully explore it because of those different bottom-lines is hard, but it sounds like you all approached this realisation and transition phase in a very mature way.

I have had at least two of my loving relationships ended because of differing goals (they were both mono, wanted to give poly a try but realised after a while that it wasn't for them). Grieving is natural and important - it's not something that should be just shrugged off, as I have seen other do, or advise to do in situations like this.
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  #25  
Old 01-24-2010, 11:00 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyMacbeth View Post

We aren't really "parting ways" but are transitioning to friendship. A friendship that is deeper and more profound than it ever was before we became lovers.



Lady Macbeth
Sorry for you and happy for you. Loss and gain. Lover to friend. Thank you for sharing this.

Peace and Love
Mono
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  #26  
Old 01-25-2010, 02:15 AM
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How graceful you two are and I'm sure this loved one will never go from your life considering your ability to understand one another so deeply.

Hugs to you.
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