Mono/poly tangles

[MonoVCPHG]

Hats off for the support you give both of them Macbeth. You're a great example.

Take care

[Ceoli]

I would add that perhaps it would be helpful for him if you guys were to start discussing what the future of your relationship would look like. The fact is that if he is indeed mono and unable to be anything else, he would have to have a clear understanding of what he gains and what he would have to give up when pursuing a relationship with you. There's a hard truth that if he's mono, he'd have to give up a lot to stay in that relationship.

However, if he's starting to explore the possibility of not being mono, then it also makes sense to discuss what that relationship could develop into. I honestly don't really know "how mono" this guy is, but I don't think that monogamy has to prevent him from understanding the poly boundaries you want.

Either way, you brought it down to the clear question: Does he want to explore staying with you while being in other relationships or does he want to find a lifelong partnership to replace the one you're building. Both of these are fair ways to move forward, it just seems he needs to figure out for himself a bit more of what he really wants. And it's completely right of you to be clear that you do not want to be a placeholder for relationships in his life. Either he commits to this type of relationship with you or he doesn't. Giving him as clear a picture as possible about what a relationship with you can be and can't be will help him figure that stuff out.

[redpepper]

Good point Ceoli. I think that might be what your boyfriend might be thinking of. What is the reasons to stay or not stay with you. Perhaps he also wanted to see how he felt about another woman that he is interested in too, in that train of thought.

Isn't there a thread on what monos get out of poly relationships?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Isn't there a thread on what monos get out of poly relationships?

There's a few sources of information specific to mono/poly relationships that have been passed along.

[rosevett]

LadyMacbeth ~ hope your discussion last night went well. I was lead to this thread I believe since we are going through as similiar situtation with my bf of almost 3 years; this is his first true 'run at dating' and he BLEW IT..ok my opinion..we are communicating through it with much of the advice that I have seen here; thank you everyone for sharing!

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

Hi Lady,
Some thoughts on this and more..........
If you think about this, it seems to me this is pretty stereotypical dating behavior for the mono world - which is obviously where he comes from (and still is to a large degree). Maybe you should rethink your expectations. You really are more in the role of a teacher at this point than an equal. Make sense ?
GS

I do want to mention to GS that as much as I know what you said here is true when feelings are hurt and exposed, for whatever reason it's hard to be both the 'scorned lover' and counsel.

I give much credit to my mindset for open communication to allow me to not want to kick the cheating bastard out(sarcasim)...because as much as we have communicated and learned in the last three years, as much as I though he really understood the ground rules obviously there is still something we missed.

Hugz and best wishes - Elaine

[redsirenn]

Hi,May I offer another perspective?

It is possible that he is also seeing this relationship as new still, and is dating around, just as many people do in our society. Asking him if he is ready to commit to your lifestyle or find his own way right now might be a huge undertaking for someone. It is possible that he simply wants to date you in the way that he would date others... In the dating world, this isn't strange, but healthy...

So - Clarifying that you'd like to know that he has other dates would be great. he might just not be used to that level of honesty - hence the cancelling of your date and the secrecy (but he did admit it once you asked - once again the level of honesty he is used to in the dating situation)

My suggestion is for both of you to come a little more to the middle to understand each other's situations. Instead of "training" him to act in a certain way, or vice versa. He might just not want that training if he doesn't even know if he wants the lifestyle.

get my drift?

[LadyMacbeth]

Thanks so much for the amazing support. I have had a very emotionally turbulent 72 hours, but the GOOD news is that my boyfriend and I are still together, love one another more now than before, and understand each other's suffering more than before. I love my husband more than before, and have found out several areas of personal growth that need to happen on my own part. It was just too bad it had to be so difficult! But, I know that's the life I have chosen in this, and he is very worth it to me and I am worth it to him.

A great deal that occurred had to do with misunderstandings on my part, followed by assumptions about what everything meant. First, I had to apologize because I realized that the "date" I thought I had with my boyfriend had not ever been confirmed anywhere other than my own brain...that was hard to admit but I did. Secondly, I had to admit that I jumped to huge conclusions about what his intentions were in the date. (Which, after I found out what actually happened...a facebook friend asked if he wanted to get a cup of coffee and he agreed) was not an intention to seek a lifetime exclusive partner! Now, we both agree that there were completely valid reasons that I might have seen it that way based on the communication, but my head took it to galaxies that it never needed to go.

The good that has come from the situation is that we now understand each other's deepest insecurities and emotions in a way that probably wouldn't have been possible without going through it. And...he has opened up to actually learning and reading about poly, something that he has been closed to before.

In the past, when I have asked him about his needs, he has been cursory in his responses. He might say, "to be respected" etc. He was able to tell me that he has believed that up to this point he has had no say in anything regarding this relationship and has felt he has to "take whatever is offered and try to be happy with it." To clarify...that is in no way how my husband and I operate, but he had initial faulty assumptions that the primary/secondary model involving the primaries setting all rules and parameters was the ONLY kind of poly relationship. We couldn't clarify, because I didn't know he thought that. The issue is, because my hubbie and I are new at this too, we didn't know we were giving off that vibe. So...when he would call and say, "hey, you want to do some second hand shopping together" and I would say, "that would be awesome, let me check in with hubbie," he made understandable assumptions that permission was being sought. When he was extremely ill and felt horribly lonely and depressed, he hadn't realized he could call me to come be with him...since it wasn't a previously discussed time. List goes on.

So...when I explained that anything and everything could be brought to the table and discussed, it made a big difference. He explained that feeling like a "secondary" was humiliating for him and destroys his self esteem and so he's had to wonder if there is any way to do this, no matter how much he loves me, and to maintain his own sense of identity. And, of course, he doesn't know yet and is now willing to try to see. He had assumed when I had previously tried to give him things to read about poly or suggested he review this site, it was my way of helping him be more comfortable with "the way things are" rather than "learning how things might be."

Anyway, thanks for the support all!

Lady Macbeth

[redpepper]

It sounds like you are on a new plateau of your relationship! That's awesome!

The whole secondary thing is so tricky for those in it. So much to work out. It sounds like you are and that it took going through some stuff to come out in a different realm.

Hope to hear some stuff from your boyfriend maybe? I know Mono loves it when he know he isn't the only one in his situation.

[StitchwitchD]

Originally Posted by LadyMacbeth

He was able to tell me that he has believed that up to this point he has had no say in anything regarding this relationship and has felt he has to "take whatever is offered and try to be happy with it." To clarify...that is in no way how my husband and I operate, but he had initial faulty assumptions that the primary/secondary model involving the primaries setting all rules and parameters was the ONLY kind of poly relationship. ...He explained that feeling like a "secondary" was humiliating for him and destroys his self esteem and so he's had to wonder if there is any way to do this, no matter how much he loves me, and to maintain his own sense of identity. And, of course, he doesn't know yet and is now willing to try to see. He had assumed when I had previously tried to give him things to read about poly or suggested he review this site, it was my way of helping him be more comfortable with "the way things are" rather than "learning how things might be."

That's pretty similar to how I felt and reacted when I was first in a secondary (well, officially not even a secondary, just with considerable life-entanglement) relationship, I didn't feel like I had any ground to stand on to ask for anything, I was just terrified she'd change her mind about the whole thing.

Since then, I've been dating a man whose wife's boyfriend lives with them, and I see how that works and how the boyfriend fits into their household, and has both rights and responsibilities- and that he isn't constantly walking on eggshells for fear that his girlfriend's husband will demand she end it. Oh, and he's officially her boyfriend, not just a roommate, except to relatives or co-workers or other people who they just don't want to explain the whole thing too.

[indigo]

Macbeth and his Lady,

Remember that there is very little social modeling for these relationship structures so be gentle with yourselves as you move through your process. I am reminded again and again by my own experiences and by those of the community here just how dynamic these love relationships can be; just when I think I've got it nailed some new aspect appears


Congratulations for being such self aware people and for your willingness to confront prickly topics.

Not for the feint of heart this.