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Old 01-05-2010, 03:20 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Default Soo close yet so far

My wife and I have always been...open (not going to call it poly at that point) we have enjoyed a few moments with other women and will likely continue to at least try and keep playing, my wife and I enjoy playing with a 3rd in a purely sexual way. I don't know what that labels us as but thats the gist.

Enter in the new girl, lets call her B. She comes into the picture and befriends us. We hang out a couple of weeks, become friends and enjoy each others company. My wife (call her A) and B get along like long lost sisters. They have many things in common, including the pure ability to flirt and enjoy each other and me. At this point its simply fun times, some drinks out with friends and lots of flirting.

Over the next couple of months we get beyond the playful stage into the sexual stage. We are becoming closer and closer both physically and emotionally. Not a problem in the past (we are friends with past girls but not this close by any stretch). We always knew this was a temporary setup, good times which would come to an end once she found someone more permanent. In the end she is a mono who has/had a kinky side. Now let me say, she was overly aggressive more so than anyone I have met, she saw what she wanted and went for it.

The timing was horrible, when she and I finally got to have sex, enter in the new guy stage left. I end up being badly jealous and almost scorned, the reason being is simple (in my head) , when she met him, in a sexless relationship, we had talked and decided we would play the sex part and he would play the emotional part. At this point my wife and I didn’t know how connected to her we were becoming. Shortly after meeting this guy she started pushing us away. This hurt, a lot. I didn’t have the knowledge or devices to deal with this reaction as I am traditionally not a jealous person and this was a whole new situation. The further she pushed the more I fought to stay close. Over the last 4ish weeks everything became very confused and very bitter. I didn’t know it at the time but my jealousy had hurt her more than I knew, which in turn made her push me away, I ruined the thing I wanted most, by this time I had seen a true vision of what I wanted with my wife and this woman. Lots of mistakes, lots of lessons.

We remained friendly, she kept communicating with my wife, and still hung out with us. She even shared one of her special moments for Christmas, in this town of transients; Christmas can be a very special or devastating time. It was intimate and friendly. Her and I finally had a “date” together, dinner movie and I walked her home. We got to talk, a lot. Spent 4 hours talking about what was, what happened and even stuff moving forward. She finally opened up and told me what I did hurt her, I opened up and explained why, with no excuses, just the why. This was a big moment for us, because for me and her, it had been sex, for my wife and her it was more. We connected on an emotional level. I think and hope this maybe healed things between us. I truly treasure this moment with her, and honestly love the fact my beautiful wife let me have that time with her. It was needed, if there was ever going to be a chance.

She has had an amazing amount of patience and has shown tremendous forgiveness. She gives no hint that anything between us (the three of us) will stop, she has begun to flirt and has begun to talk about “sex” with us again. Everything is just moving in slow motion…like the sheer lust is gone. Not a bad thing, I just don’t have patience, definitely one of my biggest weaknesses.

I am not averse to having a great friendship with her, I have what a few of you would likely call a poly relationship with a couple of friends. Not sex, but we are very close and could probably call what we have is love. But what I feel for B and what A feels for B is very different than how we feel for our other friends. To subjugate it to friendship only, is going to be very difficult and I am scared that I have broken our relationship beyond repair.

I don’t know why I am posting this, I am not looking for answers to any deep questions, I just needed to get this off of my chest to people who may understand. I can’t talk about this with any of my friends and to be honest, my wife has not only heard it but she is involved in it. My be good to get some outside feedback.

Before this we knew we enjoyed threesomes but this friendship and this site have allowed us to come closer to a definition of what we want long term. Being with her made us realize, including my wife, what we actually want.

[edit]
As an extra, we have no intention of locking her into a polyfidelity relationship, we understand that would be unfair to her, so please don't assume we are trying to break the original agreement, we just want to see the original agreement continued along with the friendship and love we have developed.

Last edited by Ariakas; 01-05-2010 at 03:27 AM.
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Old 01-05-2010, 07:13 AM
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Ravenesque Ravenesque is offline
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Sometimes writing something out or recounting an event in our lives in any manner, makes it easier to process or helps us see it in a different light. Or makes us just feel better.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

While reading I felt a vagueness in one place. You and B spoke to each other yet you still seem uncertain. What are you unsure of and is it not something that could be clarified with further communication between you and B and A? Having expressed that you were jealous, were you also able to pinpoint and talk about the reasons behind the feeling?

If the three of you formed a relationship which had additional attributes to what existed in the relationship formerly, would the option of having other relationships, whether they be for flirtatious sensual play or emotional connection or both, be out of the question?

If you allowed the relationship to remain open in this way while you forged ahead together with the new developments between you three, would there be tension because of possible jealousy on your part or would there be ease because you would not feel you altered the original agreement but perhaps only enhanced it?

~Raven~
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Last edited by Ravenesque; 01-05-2010 at 07:16 AM.
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  #3  
Old 01-05-2010, 04:30 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenesque View Post
While reading I felt a vagueness in one place. You and B spoke to each other yet you still seem uncertain. What are you unsure of and is it not something that could be clarified with further communication between you and B and A? Having expressed that you were jealous, were you also able to pinpoint and talk about the reasons behind the feeling?
Yes, there is still some uncertainty. Probably due to a lack of confidence in the situation on my part. Which is why I am on this site, trying to figure out the what and why in what I feel.

I was able to pinpoint why I was jealous. It was 2 parts, I felt very shunned after having sex with B and almost immediately being pushed away, and also felt jealousy because she continued to get emotionally closer with A and would not open up with me. I did eventually speak with B about this, and I believe I have this covered. A was very understanding and supportive because she did understand where I was coming from and why I felt hurt.

Quote:
If the three of you formed a relationship which had additional attributes to what existed in the relationship formerly, would the option of having other relationships, whether they be for flirtatious sensual play or emotional connection or both, be out of the question?
No, that would neither be fair to her or to us. In the same breath it wouldn't be out of the question depending on how the relationship develops moving forward. Hope that makes sense :S

Quote:
If you allowed the relationship to remain open in this way while you forged ahead together with the new developments between you three, would there be tension because of possible jealousy on your part or would there be ease because you would not feel you altered the original agreement but perhaps only enhanced it?
Good question, and I can't say how I will react moving forward. I am simply trying to work within the context of this new relationship. These are feelings I traditionally don't have and I am not even sure why I feel them now. I have always said I am not a jealous person, this has become the exception. I have a gut feeling I know why, but its hard to describe beyond, this situation if it worked out, would be like a utopia for me. Like others on this site, I have always felt like I was non-monogamous. While both my wife and I didn't lock ourselves into any labels, we both want the same thing.

I suppose our goal (myself and A) is to continue working with B and let this friendship evolve. Patience is a virtue that requires work for me. Luckily I have my wife their to support me and this site to be able to relate to other people.

thanks

Last edited by Ariakas; 01-05-2010 at 04:32 PM.
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Old 01-06-2010, 01:38 AM
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Ravenesque Ravenesque is offline
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I hope things go positively. There are some friendly ears here and I think you will find the support you seek in many ways.

It's soo simplistic but if it's a matter of patience, you could try filling your time with things that will spirit your mind to other places. I'd rather watch television or read or play a game than watch a kettle boil

~Raven~
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~Open up your mind and let me step inside.
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide. It's so easy.
When you know the rules.
It's so easy. All you have to do is fall in love.
Play the game.
Everybody play the game of love. Yeah...~
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Old 01-06-2010, 02:17 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Thanks for your responses. Patience is definitely a step, whether or not everything will work out, only time will tell, but it definitely has to be the first step
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  #6  
Old 01-13-2010, 04:04 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Little update, we are getting together for the first time in weeks, the 3 of us for dinner at our place, and some movie. Things are moving slowly but surely and hopefully this all works out in the end. I am tryng to let this flow naturally. While we have had individual dates each week...dinner, movies, communication and snuggling. Its been nice.

We have had a lot of opening up emotionally and talking. Not what I am particularily strong at, at the best of times. But I try. Opening up is something I fear and need. I love getting closer emotionally, but as the perenial "friend", I am always worried it will head in that dreaded direction. When I was single, being the "friend" was sometimes a curse.
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Old 01-13-2010, 03:35 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Ariakas,

Well, that's a nice and not that uncommon story. A lot of people (couples?) start out on a path like this and labeling it all about "sex" only to find out it has the potential to grow into more. The fact that A & B really seem to have a bond only adds to that potential. Many are not so fortunate and it ends in ugliness and drama. Everyone gets hurt.
However, in your case the biggest hurdle seems it's going to be YOU ! From all I can determine from your writing, it appears that there's a deeper connection between you and B and you are fighting it to a degree. Trying to keep in more rooted in a sexual level. My bet is that you are going to fail at that miserably<chuckle>.
But, when you truly care (dare we say the 'L'word?) about someone, their happiness becomes a prerequisite for us. And assuming that she's going to want some form of primary relationship for all the traditional (and legal) reasons - you are faced with the dilemma of giving up your jealousy for the interests of all of you. It will just destroy what seems to otherwise be a beautiful thing. It's only right & fair for her to develop a life that includes pieces she desires - including security etc.
Of course the other option IS available. That of the 3 of you becoming one family. That's not easy either but you must keep her wishes and needs in this clear and honest.
Wish you luck with this because it seems to have loads of potential but you really have no choice but to banish any jealousy. It's just not something that can live when you care about someone. It's simply selfish & uncaring.

Lot's of us been down this road before and happy to help any way we can !

GS
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Old 01-14-2010, 10:40 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hi Ariakas,

Well, that's a nice and not that uncommon story. A lot of people (couples?) start out on a path like this and labeling it all about "sex" only to find out it has the potential to grow into more. The fact that A & B really seem to have a bond only adds to that potential. Many are not so fortunate and it ends in ugliness and drama. Everyone gets hurt.
I am hoping this doesn't happen, all 3 of us really want to, at the very least walk away friends.

Quote:
However, in your case the biggest hurdle seems it's going to be YOU ! From all I can determine from your writing, it appears that there's a deeper connection between you and B and you are fighting it to a degree. Trying to keep in more rooted in a sexual level. My bet is that you are going to fail at that miserably<chuckle>.
This makes me most nervous and is most likely the reality. My wife is content just letting things re-develop. I am like a puddle of nerves. We are having dinner with her tonight and I am terrified. Since things between us became strained, my relationship with her changed. I don't know which "me" to be. While we have gotten closer again its still distant in a way. I am a very analytical person and not having clear goals or and understanding of what is happening, makes me very nervous.

are we just friends
will things continue
what, how far etc.

My instincts in this fail me almost every time. What worked for us before, doesn't now. Heck what worked for me a single guy with girls doesn't. The game changed, I suddenly feel like a football player on a soccer field....one wrong move and I get thrown out of the game haha (stupid yellow card)

Quote:
But, when you truly care (dare we say the 'L'word?) about someone, their happiness becomes a prerequisite for us. And assuming that she's going to want some form of primary relationship for all the traditional (and legal) reasons - you are faced with the dilemma of giving up your jealousy for the interests of all of you. It will just destroy what seems to otherwise be a beautiful thing. It's only right & fair for her to develop a life that includes pieces she desires - including security etc.

Of course the other option IS available. That of the 3 of you becoming one family. That's not easy either but you must keep her wishes and needs in this clear and honest.
I agree 100% and we aren't at any stage to suggest having a long term V relationship. Although that would be what my wife would love to see. We just want to continue having fun with her in every way. Simplest term would be dating. When and if she finds her real match we would be there to support her as friends.

Quote:
Wish you luck with this because it seems to have loads of potential but you really have no choice but to banish any jealousy. It's just not something that can live when you care about someone. It's simply selfish & uncaring.

Lot's of us been down this road before and happy to help any way we can !

GS
Thanks and I appreciate the kind thoughts. I just hope I can get control of my nerves. I feel like I am on a first date...I haven't felt like this with a girl in 20 freaking years. I sometimes don't know how my wife puts up with me haha
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Old 01-15-2010, 06:17 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Well for those paying attention, lets call this far away...platonic at best...

great friendship though...:S ...I don't know whether to be happy or depresed. In the end, my wife is happy, which is what matters.

have a good night everyone...
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Old 01-15-2010, 06:24 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Well for those paying attention, lets call this far away...platonic at best...

great friendship though...:S ...I don't know whether to be happy or depresed. In the end, my wife is happy, which is what matters.

have a good night everyone...
Good night Friend..thanks for sharing.

Peace and Love
Mono
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